To Forgive or Not to Forgive: That Is the Question

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Anger, grievances, vengeance — we can’t stop hearing about how people are feeling, especially the pain that swirls around us. After a while we begin to feel so emotionally drained that it’s exhausting. Perhaps we’re hearing the barrage of negativity from others, or are holding on tightly to our own grievances. Whatever it is, the emotional undertow is dragging us down.

Perhaps we need to forgive. What? Are you kidding? This may be the dialogue spinning around in your head. But before you try to find the exit door, you may want to stop and think about this for a moment: There are benefits to what many of us find so hard to do. First, we must understand what forgiveness is not and is.

What Forgiveness Is Not

Forgiveness is not about forgetting. When painful events happen to us it is unrealistic to think we can just forget about it. What does happen when we are able to forgive is that we don’t dwell on what has happened and are able to control how we feel about the situation.

Forgiveness also doesn’t mean that you let someone off the hook. People need to be held accountable for their actions. What forgiveness enables us to do is to let go of our emotional pain. Forgiveness is an inner process not an outward action, and this is why just because you can forgive it doesn’t mean that you need to reconcile. Forgiveness is about what is taking place inside of you. Reconciliation involves another person and engaging in building trust. There are times when it’s very possible, and maybe even wise, to forgive someone but not reconcile.

Unfortunately, people often associate forgiveness with weakness. Truth be told, many people are afraid to look within themselves and muster the emotional maturity to change their mindsets about someone else. It is easier for us to attack and blame rather than try to understand what happened and why. For many it is anxiety producing to delve within our own being—something many of us avoid.

Forgiveness is not something that happens quickly, nor is it usually a one-time event. It is an inner process that takes time. Our emotions need to be worked through for us to see a situation differently. Looking within ourselves and being honest with ourselves takes time and courage.

When we are unable to forgive, we are usually holding on to a grievance story, a story someone tells over and over again of being wronged. Grievance causes suffering; the more you focus on your grievance the stronger they become. People begin to ruminate over them, giving power over the grievance. As you continue to replay the incident in your head, what happened in the past only gets uglier. Over time, holding on to grievance can affect your mood, your relationships and your health. But there is a surprising countermeasure to grievance: forgiveness.

What Forgiveness Is

So, what is forgiveness? Forgiveness is a cognitive and emotional process that lessens anger and grievance, the desire for revenge, and helps stop rumination. It is decision, a choice not to see the world through the lens of anger and bitterness, but through a greater understanding. It is choosing to let go of negative emotions toward someone who has harmed you. In so doing, you are taking back control of your emotional well-being and choosing not to be a victim twice over. Forgiveness helps you develop greater awareness, greater insight and better judgment. It gets you out of the past which you cannot change and helps create a new healing narrative, developing a new perspective and a chance for inner peace.

Forgiveness is powerful. It is transformative. What makes that so is our willingness to look within ourselves. And this is what also makes forgiveness frightening. It can bring up feelings of vulnerability and have us question who we truly are, possibly even getting to the core of our identity. Forgiveness arises both from within us and outside the place of hurt. It necessitates a degree of openness and the ability to reach out, beyond ourselves to others, even when we would rather resist engaging with the person who has hurt us. This is what frightens us and, at the same time, this is where forgiveness can be most transformative. Our inward journey that is so necessary, is what enables us to see the humanity of those responsible for our wounding, and when we forgive them, we are sanctioning them back into the world of our common humanity.

Science Confirms the Healing Power of Forgiveness

If for no other reason, to be willing to forgive is very pragmatic. There have been numerous scientific studies which have highlighted the healing power of forgiveness. These studies focusing on forgiveness training have shown a reduction in stress, depression, anxiety, and anger, and an increase in hopefulness, spiritual connection, better relationships and mental and physical well-being. Learning to forgive can have a healing effect on such illnesses as cardiovascular disease and cancer. Preliminary studies from research in allied fields such as psychology, medicine, and religion show that feeling more positive emotions such as gratitude, faith, and care have a positive impact on cardiovascular function.

Neuroscientists have also become interested in the neural systems of forgiveness. According to The Neural System of Forgiveness: An Evolutionary Psychological Perspective, forgiveness systems regulate interpersonal motivation toward a transgressor in the wake of harm by weighing multiple factors that influence both the potential gains of future interaction with the transgressor and the likelihood of harm.

In other words, is this relationship worth keeping in the future or not and if so, can we now forgive that person based on the worthiness and safety of the relationship. The article also describes in scientific terms what is going on in people’s brains when they are in the mindset of unforgiveness. Their focus was on neuroscientific research that links desire for vengeance to reward-based areas of the brain that singles out prefrontal areas likely associated with inhibition of vengeful feelings and that correlates the activity of the intentions and blameworthiness of those who commit harm. The neuroscientific findings presented here identify neural systems that may reflect the computational systems posited by the evolutionary model. (ibid.)

What does this mean for a political forgiveness process? When people enter into a political forgiveness process, most often they are stuck ruminating about their anger and grievances. These are the underlying emotions we need to be conscious of, emotions which other conflict resolution frameworks do not deal with. When you forgive, it leads to changes in your brain that improves your ability to regulate emotions and reactions. Activity in the amygdala, which processes fear and anger, decreases. Areas linked to empathy, positive feelings and emotional control become more active. This rewiring makes you less reactive and more compassionate over time. Forgiveness may also work by changing how the brain interprets and responds to social transgressions. Research addresses the importance of forgiveness not only in enhancing mental health but also in fostering social harmony which speaks to the importance of a political forgiveness process. A political forgiveness process deals directly with emotions that have fueled conflict, such as anger and the need for revenge, with the goal of healing these emotions and moving people away from the desire for revenge to a desire for something more positive. A political forgiveness process is directed toward helping people transition out of an unforgiving mindset and becoming more aware when they are in a mindset of unforgiveness. No other peacebuilding framework deals directly with this. Political forgiveness is a powerful tool for healing and a process that, when people are engaged, can lead to a more peaceful world.

SOURCES

The Neural System of Forgiveness: An Evolutionary Psychological Perspective, Joseph Billingsley, Elizabeth A. R. Losin, Frontiers in Psychology, 8:737. Doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00737.)

Are Grievances Running Our Nation and Is Political Forgiveness Our Way Out?

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On January 6, 2021, a date that will go down as one of the darkest in American history, a routine certification of presidential election results turned into a bloodbath of grievance. What happened at the US Capitol was not just the result of one election and the defeat of then-President Donald Trump, it was the culmination of years of adding kindling to the bonfire. On January 6, the words and actions of one man, encouraging his mob of supporters to believe him, resulted in an insurrection against the United States Congress at the US Capitol building in Washington, D.C.

Americans are deeply divided over why the insurrection happened, most assuming the split reflects bitter partisan politics. Although we may think that the insurrection was about the Big Lie or that the 2020 presidential election was stolen, what motivated the rioters that day was the notion that the United States is for white people whose power must be protected at all costs. The slogan, “Stop the steal,” was not only referring to the belief in a rigged election, it was also referring to the sense of status being stolen, the resentment that Black people and other minority groups were using race to gain unfair advantage. It is a metaphor for what some people are feeling is happening in our country: their status is being stolen and they feel threatened. White grievance, according to Robert Pape, a professor of political science at the University of Chicago, was the primary motivation for January 6. According to Pape, “There is a clear racial cleavage that you see in our data and that is what is also captured in the ‘great replacement theory.” Racial resentment was a crucial factor among white Americans who supported the January 6 attack on the United States Capitol.

Not all grievances are created equal. The protests over the killing of George Floyd and the resulting Black Lives Matter protests are examples of grievances that need to be heard and dealt with. Genuine grievances stemming from personal experiences are grievances that need to be listened to. The grievances at the heart of the protests that have erupted in hundreds of US cities need to be heard and addressed if the country is to move on from its tragic history of racism and violence.

A large majority of US citizens are beginning to accept the long history of racism, and the legacy of racist ideas and structures left behind, according to Simon Clark, writing for the Center for American Progress. “The recent protests and public reaction to George Floyd’s murder are a testament to many individuals’ deep commitment to renewing the founding ideals of the republic. But there is another, more dangerous, side to this debate—one that seeks to rehabilitate toxic political notions of racial superiority, stokes fear of immigrants and minorities to inflame grievances for political ends, and attempts to build a notion of an embattled white majority which has to defend its power by any means necessary.”

Violence and, in particular, political violence seems to be feeding into a cacophony of grievances, loudly broadcast through our airwaves and any other form of conceivable communication. Racism and political violence fueled by grievances touch every aspect of our personal and political lives, creating a great division and polarizing our country. How do we heal this?

We need to understand the nature of racial resentment. If we only focus on “racism” it runs the risk of continued polarization and makes healing more difficult. Using anger and violence to intimidate shuts down communication; people will not listen to one another, rendering any healing process or reconciliation impossible. Everyone needs to be treated with respect, to feel safe, to have their voices heard and feelings worked out, in order for a change of mindset to occur. This is the premise of any political forgiveness process, for people to feel safe and be heard, to share deeply about themselves and to deeply hear one another.

Political forgiveness is an act that joins truth, tolerance, empathy, and a commitment to repair fractured human relationships to support a process of conflict transformation. To stop the cycles of anger, hatred, and fear fueling so much suffering requires a radical change in our thinking, which involves changing our mindsets. We change mindsets by seeing each other through a different lens, not one of anger and fear toward one another, but through understanding the psychological landscape where all of us have come from, and gaining an understanding for what we have all been through. This enables us to reframe the past by giving it a new narrative which can support societal change.

A political forgiveness process begins with individual understanding: for all of us to get in touch with why we feel the way we do. It’s important to understand how our grievances, our resentments, began, and to create a meaningful story. It’s not easy to develop peace within oneself, especially when we feel mistreated—and this is what a grievance is about, we feel that something happened we didn’t want to happen, or that some event we really hoped for simply didn’t occur. Ultimately a grievance forms because something in our life turned out to be radically different from what we wanted, and we feel unfairly treated.

Our grievances form when we don’t have the skills to deal with our reality and don’t know how to communicate with one another, focusing too much on the injustice we feel. A political forgiveness process helps people learn those skills of how to work through grievances and to develop the necessary skills and the mindset, which can lead to resolutions. As part of the process, people come together and learn to deeply hear and communicate with one another, engage in a dialogue process and with a greater openness to one another and to discuss how they can come together to create societal change. As a deeper healing takes place among people with different views and concerns, this country can develop a culture of political forgiveness and peaceful co-existence that can become the foundation for societal change by healing emotions that have fueled polarization and by developing skills that can be used — including forgiveness skills to foster better relationships in one’s personal life — within communities and within nations. By developing a new way of thinking through a political forgiveness process, participants deepen their ability to reframe situations, thereby creating a new vision, which includes a healing narrative, accepting one another as legitimate partners in creating a more peaceful society.

 

Sources

American Myths Are Made of White Grievance—and the January 6 Big Lie is Just the Latest, Anthony Conwright, Jan.–Feb. 2023 issue, Mother Jones.)

How White Supremacy Returned to Mainstream Politics, Simon Clark, Center for American Progress

How Can Israelis and Palestinians Achieve Peace?

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During the early morning hours of October 7, 2023, a horrifying massacre took place where the Palestinian Sunni Islamist group Hamas led a surprise attack against Israel from the Gaza Strip by land, sea, and air, firing barrages of rockets towards the southern and central parts of the country. The fighting continues and countless people are dying on both sides. One of the largest targets were the children in Gaza. Debates continued concerning whether there should there be a ceasefire and the issue of humanitarian aid. Was this genocide of the Palestinian people? Many voices expressed the horror of the brutality that was taking place on both the Israeli and Palestinian people.

One such person, Rula Daood, the Palestinian Israeli co-director of Standing Together, a progressive grassroots movement that mobilizes people around issues of peace, equity, and social justice, passionately said, “There is no other way but forward.” They told us that this war would crush Hamas. They told us that it would bring the hostages home. But none of this has happened. The hostages continue to die. Those that came back, came back as part of a deal. Hamas is only growing stronger. It’s Gazan lives being crushed: children, women, men, innocent people whose homes were destroyed and who have nothing to eat.

Tens of thousands of people living near the border lived through a horrifying massacre on October 7, lost family and friends, and now they don’t know when they will be able to return home. How is any of this good for any of us? For the good of those who live here? How much more blood will be spilled before we understand that this war is crushing all of us? How many people will die before we understand that this is not the way to get security? How many homes will be destroyed? How many dreams abandoned before we understand that there will be no hope on one side of the border if there is no hope on the other? That the fate of Israelis and Palestinians is intertwined. That we will all live in peace and freedom — or that none of us will.

How can Israelis and Palestinians achieve peace? Aziz Abu Sarah, a Palestinian peacemaker and Maoz Inon, an Israeli peacemaker share a touching story of friendship and how they choose reconciliation over revenge. What brought them together was a belief in a better future and, through finding shared values, they built a coalition of Israeli and Palestinian citizens whose intention is creating a path of hope and peace.

On October 7 Inon lost his parents during the massacre, along with many of his childhood friends, their parents, and their children. Inon was drowning in an ocean of grief and pain. At night he visited this horror in his dream state. In one particular dream he saw humanity crying with him. Tears were streaming down faces washing over wounded bodies until the tears healed the bodies and washed the blood from the ground purifying the land. What emerged from the ground was a path, a path to peace. When Inon woke up he immediately knew that this was the path he needed to take, a path of reconciliation and not revenge.

Maoz Inon and Aziz Abu Sarah met only once before October 7, yet Abu Sarah sent a message offering condolences when hearing that Inon’s parents were killed. In a response that surprised Abu Sarah, Inon said he was mourning not only the death of his parents — he was crying for the people of Gaza who were also losing lives. Inon didn’t want what happened to be justification for anyone to take revenge, understanding that it was easier to be angry than to not want to justify war.

Abu Sarah had a different story of pain and sorrow. His brother Tayseer was killed by an Israeli soldier when he was only nineteen years old. Abu Sarah, ten at the time, was angry and bitter, only wanting revenge. It was eight years later when Abu Aziz went to study Hebrew with Jewish immigrants to Israel that he realized that he could make choices regardless of what other people do, and, through being angry and hateful, Abu Aziz would only become a slave to the person who killed his brother.

Abu Sarah has worked in 70 countries, and he’s discovered that the causes of conflict are the same. It’s the lack of recognition, a lack of willingness to understand each other’s historical narrative or listen to one another deeply with respect, and not having a shared vision for the future. The other issue is that people are divided because they cannot talk and have conversations with one another.

All of us need to learn from each other, to not be afraid to ask the hard questions, and to be honest and willing to listen. What Inon learned from speaking with Palestinians is that we must forgive for the past, forgive the present, but we cannot and should not forgive for the future. We need to work to make the future a better future. Inon speaks of the gap, since the beginning of the Zionist movement and the Palestinian national movement, with the war they have been waging on each other becoming wider and wider, with their stories so very far apart. And according to Inon, a miracle can happen where the stories meet in the future; they will be based on reconciliation and recognition, where all will feel safe, secure, and equal.

People may hear the word “forgiveness” yet think: How can you lose people you love and not be angry? No one is saying to abandon your anger. Anger can be a teacher, telling us that something must change, either within ourselves or outside of ourselves. Anger is real — yet we must be very careful not to let our anger turn into hate, blinded by the need for revenge.

What is being asked of us is to have moral courage, hope, and the ability to envision a better future. If we come with the mindset of seeing the world not through the eyes of anger or fear but with willingness to see things differently, a new story can be written. If we recognize there are people on all sides of the divide who want to live normal lives in harmony, together we can build a narrative that includes reconciling with one another so that all people can live in peace.

Being Valued, Seen, and Heard in a Polarized Society

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Roelf Meyer, a prominent South African politician and privileged member of Afrikaner society, may have become President of South Africa had the system of apartheid not come to an end. Yet Meyer became one of the key people who convinced President F.W. de Klerk to release Nelson Mandela from prison, and then subsequently led the negotiating team of the white-minority government in the talks to end apartheid, according to the book Beyond Conflict. How was Meyer able to make a shift in his thinking, moving away from his initial beliefs of racial superiority and developing a greater awareness of the importance of equality for all?

During the time when Meyer started practicing law, he was confronted with the reality that Blacks and other non-white South Africans had no constitutional rights, and as such began to grapple with his personal sense of fairness and justice. In a story recounted in Beyond Conflict, Meyer described a young Black boy sitting in the back of a white farmer’s pick-up truck, along with the farmer’s dog. It began to rain, and the farmer stopped the truck to get his dog and put him in the cab, leaving the boy in the back of the truck to be drenched in the rain. Struck by the profound act of humiliation and insensitivity to the young boy, Meyer began to think more and more about the blatant racism found in his country.

At one point during his political life, Meyer was given an assignment by President P.W. Botha to learn why Black people were rioting. While spending eighteen months visiting Black townships to gain an understanding of the unrest, he started to recognize that, although he was an elected representative to Parliament, he in no way represented the people of South Africa. Rather, he only represented a tiny white minority whose advantages and privileges he could no longer morally support. It became clear to Meyer, at least on an intellectual level, that there was a critical need for social and political change to take place. On an emotional level, Meyer wasn’t there yet. It wasn’t until years later, that he completed his personal journey, making a paradigm shift and leaving the thoughts of Black inferiority behind, realizing that South Africa’s future could only be based on equality for all. It is this type of thinking and changing of mindsets that opens one up to be willing to work with others—not only as a leader but in a healing capacity.

The course of Meyer’s personal transformation, from a pragmatic shift in his thinking to a much deeper, more personal paradigm shift, did not happen overnight, and fundamentally involved more of an emotional understanding rather than an intellectual one. As Meyer would say “It involves deeply personal values and passions and has to come from the soul.”

Unity Takes Center Stage

What can we learn from this story, especially within the context of what is currently taking place in the United States? Changing mindsets begins when we are willing to get to know the “other,” to listen to their stories and understand their realities. We cannot understand the other side without knowing the other side. Change is something we all must be challenged with at some point, whether in the political arena or in our social lives. Our democracy depends on it.

Meyer’s story also shows that instead of hating one another, we could focus on working with each other. This unity needs to take center stage if we want to combat all that divides us. More importantly, our focus needs to be on making systemic changes and connecting with each other to make that happen. We need to develop courage within ourselves to face what is going on and to stand up to what is wrong. And we need to ask ourselves, “What does it mean to be an American?” Just as Meyer went to the Black townships to gain an understanding of the different realities, we need to become aware of what the different groups of Americans’ lived realities are, and to experience these realities of who we think of as the “other.” In this spirit of inclusivity, we are saying to one another “I see you.”

All the elements we have just talked about are important steps in a political forgiveness intervention. Taking responsibility for one’s thinking is critical to creating a paradigm shift. It is the transformation of mindsets and the building of trust that creates this lasting change. One needs to understand that, by engaging in a collective form of forgiveness on a political level, it is possible to bring antagonistic groups together in a healing capacity, to prevent senseless bickering, grievances, and polarization and to ensure instances such as this will not happen again.

A Political Forgiveness Research Project

Currently I’m developing a political forgiveness research project in the U.S. to reduce polarization by quieting anger and intolerance, as well as enabling participants to tolerate diverse views, better articulate one’s own point of view, increase self-awareness of bias, and to link a political forgiveness intervention to societal change. The purpose of the project is to bring people together who hold different political views and train them to engage with one another in a constructive way.

This is designed as a four-session training program. The first session focuses on defining forgiveness and political forgiveness, the differences and overlap between interpersonal forgiveness and political forgiveness, and why political forgiveness is necessary. The second and third sessions focus on building the basic skills of forgiveness, including letting go of grievances and petty anger, learning how to change mindsets and how to be more understanding and tolerant of one another. Session four takes a deeper dive, teaching deep listening skills that enable us to feel valued, heard, and seen. Participants will have the opportunity to take part in a dialogue process, the “logics of truth” where they can share their own truths, their hopes and fears, and discuss what a societal healing process might look like, linking political forgiveness to social change.

Political Forgiveness Training for Members of Congress

It is anticipated that one of the ways this program can have great impact is by offering it to incoming freshmen entering Congress in Arizona, my home state, or in any other state. Teaching freshmen these skills before they start working in Congress will enable them to have better working relationships and be more effective in the work they will be doing. And if we can all learn these skills, our personal and social lives would be more rewarding.

Why is this political forgiveness training so important?  Sacred traditions have a deep understanding of human psychology and tell us that the development of the ego is not the final state of human evolution. The idea that humans can grow beyond ego to divine self-transcendence is crucial to our understanding of forgiveness. Forgiveness on an individual level, which lays the foundation of a political forgiveness process, can be very powerful, even transformative. Forgiveness helps us tap into the deeper meaning of what it is to be human and helps us develop those transcendental values that are not about self-interest but about become more caring human beings.

Transcendence is considered one of the highest states of consciousness where we are focused on things beyond the self, such as a spiritual awakening or service to others. It informs the way we think, so instead of seeing the world through the lens of our fears, insecurities, and need for power, we see the world through the understanding of our interconnectedness. We are not reacting out of our ego’s self-interest, but coming from a more spiritual place within ourselves and are more concerned about the highest good for all. These are the values that are missing in our discourse. Until we begin to develop those values, such as wisdom, generosity, fairness, truth, forgiveness and human dignity, we will stay stuck in our fear-based thinking—an “us vs. them”—thinking which feeds into the chaos and polarization we are experiencing today.

Be Part of the Research Project

For those of you who would like to participate in the political forgiveness research project, you will be at the forefront of creating a positive change. Not only will you experience feeling more peaceful within yourself by learning how to let go of grievances and petty anger, but you will also learn how to build a community by building trust and developing healthier relationships with one another. You will learn how to change mindsets where people can accept one another as legitimate partners and engage in a process linking forgiveness to societal change, building a culture of political forgiveness in our country instead of fostering more anger and bitterness. This is an exciting research project opened to anyone interested in bringing people together, bridging the political divide and reducing polarization in the United States. It will be a virtual program, offered nationwide. If interested please email me at erborris@gmail.com.

Source for Roelf Meyer story: Beyond Conflict: 20 years of Putting Experience To Work For Peace by Timothy Phillips, Brideswell Books, 2013

Powerful Women Changing Mindsets and Forging Political Forgiveness

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Commemorating International Women’s Day

Gloria Steinem, a world-renowned feminist once explained: “The story of women’s struggle for equality belongs to no single feminist nor to any one organization but to the collective efforts of all who care about human rights.” This is what International Women’s Day (IWD) commemorates. March 1911 was the birth of IWD, which was to be a day of collective global activism and celebration belonging to all those committed to forging women’s equality. It calls for breaking down barriers, challenging stereotypes and creating environments where all women are valued and respected. It encourages everyone to recognize the unique perspectives and contributions of women from all walks of life, including those from marginalized communities. And it celebrates women from around the world who are powerful change agents making this world a much better place for all of us.

Marina Cantacuzino and The Forgiveness Project

To celebrate IWD, I’ve written about some extraordinary women who not only understand what inclusion means but who work toward countering divisive attitudes — an important factor in a political forgiveness process. One only needs to think about what took place on October 7, 2023, when the world woke up to the horrors of Hamas’ brutal attack on Israel to witness “us and them” rhetoric. Marina Cantacuzino is founder of The Forgiveness Project. She has interviewed the families of terrorist victims and survivors of domestic violence, and through the project provides resources and experiences to overcome their unresolved grievances, helps people bear witness to the resilience of the human spirit, which acts as a powerful antidote to narratives of hate and dehumanization. 

Aware of the pain people were feeling, Marina reached out to a friend, Israeli filmmaker Yulie Cohen to make sure she was OK. As recounted in the Forgiveness Project article, Clinging Onto Hope, Yulie replied, “Your  email is very meaningful for me; many people whom I know and know me well through the years and my films didn’t write a word and it says it all.”  Marina understood the importance of reaching out and she understood through her own work how important it is to know others and change mindsets towards those we once considered “an enemy.”

Yulie Cohen Meets Her Attacker Years Later

Yulie Cohen has her own remarkable story about changing mindset as she was able to forgive a Palestinian who tried to kill her. In 1978 Cohen, while a student at Tel Aviv University, worked that summer as a flight attendant. In one of her flights to London Yulia was getting off the bus in front of her hotel when she saw a man across the street looking quite hatefully at her. He was Palestinian. She started to get some distance from him and in a matter of seconds saw the man pull out a machine gun and started to shoot people around him only to be followed a few moments later with him throwing hand grenades, killing one person, wounding another, and leaving a small piece of shrapnel in the arm of a very traumatized Yulie. 

Years later, after receiving a master’s in communication arts, Yulia started working on films in New York City and Los Angeles. One of her films involved filming a Palestinian man who she found very interesting and intelligent. Getting to know him brought back the trauma of what happened years earlier when Yulie feared for her life. This man she admired so much was of the same age and from the same political group as the man who shot at her. Yulia realized that the Palestinian man she had such respect for could have easily been the person who tried to kill her, yet instead he was her friend. This sparked a desire in Yulia to look for the man who shot at her, her own “terrorist” and asked a British colleague to look for him in England. Two weeks later he was found in prison. Yulia wanted to meet him and decided to write a letter asking about himself and his childhood and told him that she was a sixth-generation born Israeli, never thought of Arabs as people she should hate, nor thought of them as “enemies.” 

Then she asked: Why did he join the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine (PFLP)? And why did he shoot at Israelis? He answered her right away, full of remorse, wanting to talk to her, and said how grateful he would be if Yulia would continue to write to him. He then asked Yulia if she would be willing to meet him in prison. Nervous about entering a prison Yulia marshaled bravery to visit him, and with her first encounter recognized this man as a human being, just like her, a man who only yearned for a good life and to have a family.

When they met in the streets of London they were both 22. When they met up again in prison, Yulia had a life and, although coping with trauma, she also had a family, a career and a master’s degree. This man in prison was on his own, had no family, no friends, no nothing. Yulia could see that he had changed, that he was a person taking responsibility for his mistakes. 

When Yulia left the prison, she realized that she was a different person. She felt a profound change take place within herself, something too hard to put into words. In retrospect Yulia recognized that she had faced one of her deepest fears: This Palestinian man that she mustered the courage to see represented those deepest fears — but when she faced him, to her surprise, she was able to let go of a lot of anger and hostility. Going to that prison, more than anything, else was difficult for Yulia. She recognized that she was on this incredible journey and, although she has more work to do to, Yulia experienced the life-changing power of forgiveness. The impact of this experience was so great for Yulia that now she speaks of the importance of forgiveness, encouraging others who have gone through painful experiences to consider the possibility of forgiveness and understanding, and that with this comes inner peace only forgiveness can bring.

Mary Noble, Co-Founder of Feminenza International

There have been other exceptional women who, through their own pain, forged a path towards forgiveness. Mary Noble, co-founder of Feminenza International, an organization whose focus is on empowering women and helping women discover their strengths and capabilities, is aware of the importance of forgiveness in personal lives as well as in helping communities recover from bloodshed and atrocities. She recognizes that one of the most important issues facing humanity is how to live with one another, and for Noble that can only happen through the human heart and soul, which we can access through the work of forgiveness. 

Forgiveness, as Noble recounts in this video, comes from a higher intelligence, which allows us to become stronger and more immune to the pain of human heritage. According to Noble the practice of forgiveness helps build our “higher” immunity and a mindset that allows us to stop scratching our wounds, clearing a new pathway in our mind, which is the remedial balm of forgiveness. The power of forgiveness can help us find relief from what has happened to us, that which we cannot change, and build something better.

In 2010 Feminenza International ran a pilot program for training grassroots women as forgiveness and reconciliation counselors in Kenya, funded by UN Women, a United Nations entity for gender equality and the empowerment of women. This particular year the People2People initiative took place in the Rift Valley, Kenya in 2010–2011, following the post election violence in 2007–2008, training 20 women leaders to become forgiveness and reconciliation counselors. It enabled grassroots women in the communities most at risk to reach across party and tribal lines to secure peace and security, to play a decisive role in conflict mitigation, and to grow the inner development to help individuals and groups re-humanize each other. They learned how to foster empathy and mutual understanding, build trust, and create healthy relationships as a basis for long term reconciliation. 

Twenty rural women activists each conducted their own community peace intervention project in Nakuru, Kericho, Borabu, Sotik, Kisii, Burnt Forest, Mt. Elgon, Pokot, and Turkana, according to this report. They were assisted with training and mentoring about fear management, forgiveness, project planning and accountability, and media strategy. The community impact was considerable, with 5,000 confirmed beneficiaries and independently verifiable outcomes. The women leaders trained still substantially contribute to the cohesion and security of their communities. Some of them help in training programs, others have become board members of Feminenza Kenya. 

These three women and countless others have been working tirelessly to help heal the hearts of humanity. They also understand the importance of changing mindsets — especially their own — and how this leads to the practice of forgiveness in one’s personal life and within any political forgiveness process. Forgiveness is true human work and is the remedy to making our world a better place. Without forgiveness humanity will not survive. 

Extraordinary Personal Forgiveness Leads to the Healing of a Community

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While we still are working toward racial justice, there are inspiring stories that shine a light on bravery and perseverance, stories that show when people can begin to question their basic values, we can change and experience and learn new things. The following story about the Echo Theater is a reminder that we can acknowledge and admit wrongs, concede failures, hear people more clearly, and seek forgiveness. When we see injustice, we are obligated to act — and just as a person’s values can change so can a nation.

An Unlikely Friendship

It would seem quite unusual for a former white supremacist Ku Klux Klan member and a Black pastor to become close friends, but that is exactly what happened in Laurens, South Carolina. This was where Reverend David Kennedy, a Black pastor, met the Grand Dragon of the local KKK, Michael Burden in 1996.

What was once a historically segregated movie theater, The Echo, became a white supremacist store, the Redneck Shop, which sold white nationalist and neo-Nazi paraphernalia owned by Michael Burden and John Howard. When the Redneck Shop opened in 1996, Reverend Kennedy fought continuously to have it closed and protested relentlessly outside, risking his life to stand up against hatred. Throughout the time of the shop’s existence, the building became the self-proclaimed “World’s Only Klan Museum” and the meeting spot for several white nationalist groups, including the National Socialist Movement (NSM), the largest neo-Nazi organization in the country, according to the Anti-Defamation League (CNN, 2021). When Kennedy stood up and fought against the store, he became a target for the KKK, putting his life, and the lives of those close to him, in jeopardy.

Opening the store was Burden’s idea, but he soon fell out with John Howard, and he and his family were struggling to get by. When Burden met his wife, he began questioning his affiliation with the KKK and his beliefs; he joined because he felt isolated and alone, and felt he had found a collective to belong to. Burden and his family had lived in the basement of the store at one time, but following the falling out with Howard they had nowhere to go. It was then that Reverend Kennedy extended a helping hand to Burden and his family, fed them, and aided them in finding housing.

Despite all that had gone before, Reverend Kennedy saw someone who needed help and was not found wanting (Greenville News, 2020). Burden sold his share of ownership in the shop to Kennedy in 1997 and turned over the building deed. Following a protracted legal battle Reverend Kennedy and his church were deemed to own the building although there was a legal stipulation attached which meant Howard could continue running the store rent-free until his death (Washington Post, 2021). Reverend Kennedy’s battle to have the store closed continued and the Redneck Shop was finally forced to close sixteen years after it had opened, by court order, in 2012.

How could a Black pastor have even contemplated helping a member of the KKK? Reverend Kennedy realized the courage it took for Burden to ask for help, particularly from him. Reverend Kennedy’s feelings toward Burden changed and he saw a man who was trying to help his wife and family, rather than seeing him as a KKK member who felt he should not exist. The selfless gesture of goodwill to someone who had only wished him ill previously began to sow the seeds of an unlikely friendship, one which is now 25 years old. If Reverend Kennedy and Burden could come together and form this friendship, nothing is impossible.

In 2012, following the court order, Reverend Kennedy and his church took full possession of the building. Rather than destroy its contents, many of the artifacts were saved to be used to engage in meaningful conversations about racial history and to attempt to tackle the difficult questions which resulted. In 2018, Regan Freeman, a local historian started researching what took place at the Redneck Shop, uncovering records and digging into the archives of the past 20 years. Eventually, he discovered posters of Hitler and other paraphernalia such as a KKK’s business card designed to scare Black families with a warning not to make the next visit a business call. Freeman also discovered that the Redneck Shop was a recruitment center of the American Nazi Party promoting evil and hate.

In 2019, Reverend Kennedy partnered with Freeman to establish The Echo Project. Under this foundation, The Echo Theater is now being restored and plans are underway to transform The Echo Theater and Redneck Shop into a museum of remembrance and reconciliation. The museum will tell the story of what happened in Laurens, including its struggle for justice and its fight against the Ku Klux Klan. What was once a segregated movie theater, and a store glorifying the KKK, is now becoming a center for social justice, healing, and reconciliation. It will display what Freeman uncovered and be a place where people can gather and engage with one another. What was once a base of hate is being transformed into a center that supports diversity and a place for every race and religion to congregate.

As for Burden, who joined the KKK believing no one loved him and thinking that they would become his family, he realized that he did not want to be a hateful evil person like the rest of the KKK. Burden hopes people will learn from the mistakes that he made and not choose to hate to belong. He also realized that it will be us, the people, who are going to make changes in this world, not the politicians (Washington Post, 2021).

As Reverend Kennedy once said, “You have to stand up for what is right regardless of what the consequences are, how long it takes, or who stands in your way … we are warriors, full of love and full of forgiveness, but we will always fight, even if it means dying for our communities” (CNN, 2021).  Now, many years later, both Reverend Kennedy and Burden stand in the light of grace, Reverend Kennedy knowing that he helped turn Burden’s life around and Burden being ever so grateful for it. If this was possible, then anything is possible. We often feel that our country, and the world, are so polarized and divisive that nothing can be done to remedy that. We can, and we must learn to forgive. It is possible to change our course, and it is possible to shun hatred, but we must have the will and humility to do so. The message in this story is inspirational, remembering that the impossible is possible, that love conquers hate, and that the power of forgiveness can transform.

Forgiveness has the capacity to touch many souls. The forgiveness that Reverend Kennedy extended to Burden went far beyond individual forgiveness. It had an impact on the community and society at large. This is what a political forgiveness process can look like. It may start with one individual and with that circumstances can emerge which affect communities and societies alike. As more individuals recognize the power of forgiveness, this kind of work begins to build a foundation that can change mindsets and ultimately build a culture of political forgiveness within our communities and support the healing of this nation.

Unfortunately, we have a terrible stain on our history and what this country was built on. This can be healed, especially if we can engage in a political forgiveness process. It is up to us. Like the story of Reverend Kennedy, Black History Month gives us the opportunity to learn from, as well as celebrate, heroes and cultural icons, and to strive for a more perfect union.

Bringing Together Israeli and Palestinian Families

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Parents Circle – Families Forum

The escalation of the war between Israel and Hamas has brought one parents’ group for peace to the forefront. The Parents Circle – Families Forum (PCFF) is an organization I have been following for years — on of over 600 families on both sides who have lost someone to the ongoing conflict, I’ve admired and respected them for their commitment to a structured program of joint understanding and compassion between Israelis and Palestinians. They believe an end to violence and a sustainable peace can only happen through a process of reconciliation between nations.

In an address to the UN general assembly a few years ago, I shared the story of Robi Damelin, a PCFF member. In one letter, Robi demonstrated the impact that a single individual or group of individuals can have on an international conflict.

Robi was born in South Africa but left her homeland because of Apartheid. She moved to Israel, only to encounter more issues of injustice. Her son David went into the Israeli army and was shot by a Palestinian. Robi wrote this letter to the mother of the Palestinian soldier who killed her son.

“For me, this is one of the most difficult letters I will ever have to write. I am the mother of an Israeli soldier who was killed by your son. If he had known David he could never have done such a thing. David was 28 years old and a student at Tel-Aviv University doing his masters in the Philosophy of Education. He had compassion for all people and understood the suffering of the Palestinians, who he treated with dignity. David was part of the peace movement and did not want to serve in the occupied territories.  Nevertheless, he went to serve when he was called to the reserves.

“Our children do what they do, and do not understand the pain they are causing. Your son is now in jail for many years and I will never be able to hold my son again, or see him married, or have a grandchild from him. I cannot describe to you the pain I feel since his death or the pain of his brother and girl-friend. And all of those who knew and loved him.

“I have worked my whole life for causes of co-existence, both in South Africa and here in Israel. After David was killed I looked for a way to prevent other families, both Israeli and Palestinian, from suffering the dreadful loss my family has endured. I was looking for a way to stop the cycle of violence. Nothing, for me, is more sacred than human life. No revenge or hatred can ever bring my child back.

“A year after David’s death, I joined the Parents Circle – Families Forum. We are a group of over 600 Israeli and Palestinian families who have come together because we have lost an immediate family member in the conflict. We have shown that reconciliation between individuals and nations is possible and it is this insight that we are trying to pass on to both sides of the conflict.

“After your son was captured, I spent many sleepless nights thinking about what to do. Should I ignore the whole thing, or will I be true to myself and the work that I am doing and try to find a way for closure and reconciliation. This is not easy for anyone and I am just an ordinary person. I came to the conclusion that I would like to reconcile. Maybe this is difficult for you to understand or believe, but I know, in my heart of hearts, this is the only path that I can chose.

“I understand that your son is considered a hero by many Palestinian people. He is considered a freedom fighter, fighting for justice and for an independent, viable Palestinian state. I also feel that if he understood that taking the life of another will not get you what you want and that if he understood the consequences of his act, he could see that a non-violent solution is the only way for both nations to live together in peace.

“I have given this letter to people I love and trust to deliver to you. They will tell you of the work we are doing, and perhaps create in your heart some hope for the future. I do not know what your reaction will be. It is a risk for me, but I believe that you will understand, as it comes from the most honest part of me.

“I hope that you will show this letter to your son, and that maybe in the future we can meet.

“Let us put an end to the killing and look for a way, through mutual understanding and empathy, to live a normal life, free of violence.”  — Robi Damlin

Robi is active in the PCFF organization to this day, and was recently profiled in an article, Clinging Onto Hope, by Marina Cantacuzino of The Forgiveness Project.

“I beg you not to take sides,” Robi said, “because your opinions are importing our conflict into your country and creating hate between Jews and Muslims. It doesn’t help us.”

Some might think that not taking sides is turning a blind eye to inequality, but Marina, the author of the article, explained: “[Robi] wasn’t saying don’t protest, she was just saying do it with less righteous anger, and demand an end to violence and the occupation with an emphasis on peace and inclusion. … It doesn’t mean being neutral. It means recognising that there is pain and trauma in both communities and navigating around this agony. If you don’t acknowledge this, you create a vacuum of silence.”

Marina said that silence and erasure are just another form of oppression, and an acknowledgement of the stories and suffering of the victims is an essential step in a process of healing. She quotes Nelson Mandela, who said, “Leaving wounds unattended leads to them festering, and eventually causes greater injury to the body of society.”

In the article Marina describes facilitating a discussion between Robi and Mohamed Abu Jafar, who attended virtually from the West Bank. In the discussion between this Israeli mother who had lost her son to the ongoing conflict and a Palestinian man whose 14-year-old brother had been shot by an Israeli soldier, they talked about “grief and conflict in the context of holding onto our shared humanity.”

In Marina’s experience with The Forgiveness Project one critical ingredient to forgiveness came up over and over again — curiosity. In encouraging the audience to explore the stories of a single Palestinian under siege, or a single Israeli hostage, Robi is asking them to rehumanize the other by “by looking with new eyes and a sense of curiosity.”

Somewhere in the middle, Marina said, is a new consciousness that will be able to “embrace complexity and contradiction at the same time as holding a deep reverence for the sanctity of every human life.”

Political Forgiveness and the Healing of Nations

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Keynote Address to Ethiopia Symposium on Higher Education for Post-Conflict Transformation

This is a condensed version of the keynote speech delivered by Eileen Borris in Addis Ababa on November 6, 2023.

It is such an honor and a pleasure to be invited to Ethiopia and to meet such wonderful people committed to building peace, and to be part of such an exceptional interdisciplinary team. I am grateful to be here.

Political forgiveness is an act that joins truth, tolerance, empathy, and a commitment to repair fractured human relationships in order to support a process of conflict transformation. Theologian Dr. Donald Shriver Jr defines political forgiveness as “a collective turning from the past that neither overlooks justice nor reduces justice to revenge, that insists on the humanity of enemies even in their commission of dehumanizing deeds and values the justice that restores political community above the justice that destroys it.”

In her book, The Human Condition, Jewish philosopher Hannah Arendt commented: “Without being forgiven, released from the consequences of what we have done, our capacity to act would, as it were, be confined to one single deed from which we could never recover, not unlike the sorcerer’s apprentice who lacked the magic formula to break the spell.”

Both Arendt and Shiver understood the importance of political forgiveness—especially in the healing of nations—for without it, the same wars would be fought repeatedly. A political forgiveness process recognizes the importance of justice, healing, and reconciliation as part of post-conflict reconstruction in countries that have experienced forms of protracted violence and civil wars.

Columbia and the Logics of Truth

As we begin the political forgiveness process we are, in a sense, setting the table by creating the space for vulnerable and honest conversations to take place. This sets apart a political forgiveness process from other peacebuilding processes, precisely by focusing on healing the emotions that fuel conflicts to begin with.

The Colombian truth and reconciliation commission has been the only commission that has recognized the importance of healing emotional wounds before reconciliation could take place and included a dialogue process, the “logics of truth” as part of its process. This too is part of the political forgiveness model. People are first asked to only speak of the events that have happened. Once the events have been established the group begins to discuss the meaning or significance of those events. They are then asked, why did these events happen? Again, people come up with many different versions of “truth” since there is not one truth but many. The commission may spend days trying to clarify why these events happened.

When there is a clear understanding of why things happened the way they did, the commission focuses on the third logic of how to overcome what has happened. How can we overcome the problem of these heart-rending events, and how are we going to overcome the logics of violence? The work here is on finding solutions to these problems which have caused the violence. Sometimes this could mean meeting with other groups, writing a letter, asking forgiveness, or letting others know that we have forgiven them. The last logic of truth is healing, and healing has to do with forgiveness. This work has become the backbone of Colombia’s Commission for the Clarification of Truth, Coexistence, and Non-Repetition.

The Future of Ethiopia

I want to thank all of you for listening to something very dear to my heart — healing nations through political forgiveness. Just as Columbia made the impossible become possible, this can happen, too, in Ethiopia.

The Joint Peace Network is a wonderful place to start. Universities supporting the network can become centers of reconciliation and educate people about forgiveness and political forgiveness, teaching the necessary skills to empower people in building the foundation for a culture of political forgiveness and peace. Universities can host a broad range of programs, workshops, and “healing circles” that tackle the issues at hand and the disparities that stem from them. These campus centers can develop a network of facilitators and programs designed to undo harmful stereotypes, rewrite damaging narratives and train people to dismantle false beliefs at the grassroots level.

Change in the world comes from individuals, from inner peace in individual hearts. Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects.

— HH the Dalai Lama

It is possible to do the impossible. We can all take part in bringing this country back together. It begins with a willingness to heal, listen, and respect one another. We can start to lower the temperature by engaging in honest conversation, changing mindsets and writing a narrative that becomes a healing narrative. Forgiveness and political forgiveness will be the key to achieving this.

If we develop the skills and the mindset of forgiveness, we can then extend it to the people we feel close to, which from there can spread to the groups we associate with and the communities we are a part of. If we can begin to look out for each other and be kinder to one another, this can begin a profound healing process. Let us quiet all the noise that divides us, that pits us against one another, and let the voices of our better angels guide us.

Peace Is Not Just the Absence of War

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If I were to ask you what do we mean by peace, most people would speak of it as the absence of war. Peace is more than that. It is a state of mind, a way of being that can only happen when we are centered within ourselves. It happens when we are in touch with the essence of who we are, our spiritual essence. When people have a committed spiritual practice such as meditation or prayer, we see a calmness about them, a peacefulness of sorts. And when people come from a place of inner peace, that exudes outwardly in this world.

We can also ask ourselves what do we mean by justice. I am not talking about criminal justice we hear about in the courts but a higher justice. It is the kind of justice that recognizes all people are accorded basic human rights and transcends divisions of class, race, nationality and the many “isms” that can separate us. The virtue of justice requires not only that we judge others fairly but also that we judge ourselves fairly. Our sense of justice is formed by our beliefs. Just people are wise in the ways of fairness, equality and mercy. People who believe in justice question themselves, are aware of their own mistakes and so they are forgiving of others.

Working for justice is a spiritual practice. It increases our awareness of the interrelatedness of all people and the interdependence of life. Only a quest for justice can awaken our spiritual perception. A commitment to justice may foster a renewed perception of this spiritual reality — as we feel the suffering of others who we regard as strangers with our own selves. It is this kind of empathy which helps us be able to forgive.

This brings me to the work of forgiveness. Social transformation is brought about when individuals and groups are willing to be changed, even as they strive to change the world. Forgiveness, our inner healer is about change. To forgive on a transformational level we have to look within ourselves and shine a light on our darkness to be healed at a deep level. When we truly can forgive, we are given the gift of the experience of inexplicable love which changes us so as though there has been an interior renovation which has taken place and has no need for outer instruction. We have experienced the power of unconditional love and of the knowing or our spiritual connectiveness. The way we cultivate peace in our own hearts that is so powerful that we can weather any storm is through our connection with our spiritual self. The path that gets us there is through forgiveness. This is how forgiveness changes us and transforms us. The way this happens is as we shine a light on ourselves, we also recognize the light in others. It is through this lens that we view justice and know peace. This is where our greatest transformation lies.

‘Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. without them humanity cannot survive.’ — the Dalai Lama

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I was talking to a dear friend of mine, Father Leonel Narváez who has been very involved with the issues of political forgiveness especially in Colombia, his home. I asked him what was his inspiration for his tireless work in forgiveness. What he said was no surprise.

“The importance of forgiveness came to me when riding my bike through a cemetery. I was thinking about death and our finite life. If you are able to understand that your life will end you would understand why you should not hold on to hate and realize that anger and hate are such a burden.”

As he shared these words it reminded me of something else. I remembered reading a book written by a hospice doctor, Dr. John Lerma. In his book Dr. Lerma shared stories from people nearing death. Their messages where all very similar: They talked in depth about the importance of self-love, self-forgiveness and having loving relationships while here on earth. They too reminded us that everyone here has a purpose — which is to learn how to love unconditionally and to forgive — and that unconditional love and random acts of kindness raise the vibrational level of humanity and spiritual growth for all of us here on earth. These stories were not only mystifying, but very healing and uplifting. Dr. Lerma’s conversation with his hospice patients, at the border between life and death, gives us all something to contemplate.

Gregg Braden, in his book “Walking Between the Worlds: Science of Compassion,” describes the opportunity forgiveness brings to all of us:

“We are the ones who determine how much anger and hatred we will experience in our lives, as well as how much compassion and forgiveness we will extend to others. We have been given opportunities to hate and the wisdom to transcend our hate. Think of the personal power we must have to move beyond old choices and to respond to life from a place of spiritual wisdom. Our pain and suffering provide us with the chance to learn how to forgive and to know our truest, most beautiful nature. Forgiveness is the gift given to us to transcend our darkness and like alchemy, turn darkness into gold.”

In a world filled with pain and suffering where blood drips from the hands of many people ,we need to find ways to stop the violence in this world. We have learned that the military or putting people away in prisons does not stop violence from repeating itself. What is truly called for is forgiveness, not only the personal kind but in politics as well. In the end, forgiveness has everything to do with mercy and compassion as very important practices for any person in any situation. Forgiveness becomes a powerful answer to the most important questions of life. And at the end of our lives, for those of us who have been able to practice forgiveness and live our lives from a place of love, our days will be rich and our lives will end peacefully.