Forgiveness as the Doorway to Love

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“Your task is not to seek love, but merely to find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” —Rumi

How many of us have blocked off receiving love because of a need to protect ourselves? This is the theme of Lisa Angelini’s story of forgiveness, shared in this month’s podcast. Lisa had gone through a contentious divorce years ago and, more recently, an unexpected abandonment. As a result of these experiences, Lisa began to realize that she had not only blocked herself off from receiving romantic love but also blocked connections with others because of a need to protect herself from being hurt. Lisa also had an issue with trust—not only with other people but also with herself.

Insights From a Friend

After her divorce, Lisa was sitting with a friend when her friend said, “I don’t know who you are.” Lisa thought at the time that she was an open book: “Just the Italian girl from New York with a big personality.”

Her friend saw things differently: Thinking that you are open with a big personality is very different from being truly authentic and open-hearted. “Lisa, you have so many walls up, brick walls, big, big brick walls with barbed wire,” said her friend. “You have to let someone in.” The last thing Lisa wanted to hear from someone, especially when dealing with a painful moment in her life, is that maybe she should look at things differently. Yet, this is where her journey of forgiveness began. It was a journey that took some time and unfolded in many ways.

A Tale of Two Grandmothers

Growing up, Lisa—like many of us—didn’t have much modeling for forgiveness, but she certainly had modeling for what it looks like when there was unforgiveness. It was her fiery grandmother who first influenced the way she thought about forgiveness. When that grandmother divorced unexpectedly, she held onto resentment for a very long time, continually spewing negativity about her ex. For Lisa, that fire looked very powerful. This pants-wearing, go-get-’em grandmother felt good to Lisa. And that is who Lisa wanted to emulate. She didn’t know what true forgiveness looked like.

It was only when she started working through her own process that Lisa realized she didn’t want to hear any negativity, especially about her ex. She wanted to learn how to let go. She told others, “I’m healing. That’s the father of my children, and I’m going to leave it there as I work through this. That’s not helpful. People think it’s supportive to keep that energy going and add the fuel to the fire.” But for Lisa, it was a constant reminder of all the things and all the hurt that she no longer wanted to be connected to. Only now does Lisa recognize that her other grandmother, a sweet, forgiving, and spiritual woman, was a great teacher—though at the time she saw her kindness and ability to forgive as weakness rather than a source of power.

Yet Another Opportunity to Forgive

Forgiveness isn’t about one-and-done. Life brings on many opportunities for forgiveness, and for Lisa, more was yet to come. She entered into a relationship that suddenly took a hard left and turned her life upside down. It started out as a beautiful soul-connected relationship. Lisa’s spiritual home was Scotland, where he happened to live, and as things progressed over a couple of years, Lisa thought she would live there. And then it suddenly fell apart, seemingly in the snap of a finger.

Lisa didn’t know she’d get to practice forgiveness over and over again through life. She just thought you mastered it once, and that’s it. No, not so. Lisa was in shock, dealing with themes of betrayal and dishonesty. First, she wanted to make sense of things and rationally figure out what she missed—but there was no escaping the “messy middle,” the point in a forgiveness process where we acknowledge the emotional mess we find ourselves in.

Lisa expected that her spiritual practice, therapy and training would protect her from life, only to recognize that it was a form of defensiveness, a weapon against herself. Lisa knew forgiveness takes time, but she considered herself spiritually advanced, so she could get through this quickly. Surprise, surprise, that wasn’t the case. Lisa first denied that she was angry, but with help from a mentor over a three-day process, the anger began to erupt, uncovering the painful grief and all the emotional layers she needed to engage with to arrive at true forgiveness. When we’re honest with ourselves and work through all these layers, that’s where forgiveness isn’t just a pragmatic experience of letting go: It can become transformational. When we get to the point where we truly wish the other person well, we become free. And inside Lisa’s head, when she finally forgave this man, her mind became quieter, calmer, and more peaceful with much less thought.

Gems of Forgiveness

Perhaps learning to forgive is part of our life’s path. All of us have these experiences, and if we can learn from them, we may get a deeper sense of who we are and perhaps how we can really help others. As Nietzsche once said, “Amor fati.” Love your fate. None of us wants to go through painful experiences, yet if you can stick with the forgiveness process and get to the other side, you might just look back and realize there was a gem there.

For everyone, that gem will be different. It might be a deeper connection with your soul, that creative force outside us that can bring greater clarity and wisdom to our lives. You may learn to trust more and be more open to life. You may have a change of outlook, which helps you see people differently and more compassionately, especially for those who are going through similar struggles. And perhaps we grow in humility, accepting that we are human beings, and recognize there are things we’re all going to struggle with and that people do shocking things. If people could have done better, they would have, and when we can recognize that and accept it, we are given the greatest gift of all: learning about unconditional love. And that’s true peace.

To hear Lisa Angelini’s story in her own words, check out my latest podcast episode, “A Sudden Disorienting Heartbreak: Lisa Angelini.” Subscribe to Voices of Peace: Personal Forgiveness on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Shedding the Victim Story: Lyndon Harris on Forgiveness After 9/11

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Welcome to Season 2 of Voices of Peace: Personal Forgiveness, with a new name, a new focus and a new co-host, Fred Luskin. Our first guest is Lyndon Harris. Lyndon was an Episcopal priest in New York City when his life after 9/11 fell apart. He dealt with PTSD, personal injustice, divorce, and losing his house — yet until he hit rock bottom, he never thought about forgiveness. When he finally did, forgiveness changed his life in the most amazing way.

Lyndon Harris

Lyndon Harris is a former Episcopal priest, whose journey toward forgiveness began in the aftermath of the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001. His work was covered widely in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and a host of others. But in the aftermath of 9/11, Lyndon’s life fell apart. Forgiveness became the essential tool for reclaiming his life. Harris is a forgiveness teacher now and has been invited to offer keynotes and workshops around the world. He is co-author, with Dr. Luskin of the Forgive for Good Recovery Workbook.

Learn more at lyndonharris.com

Pre-order Lyndon’s memoir, release date June 2026:

Forgiveness at Ground Zero: A Journey of Service, Loss, and Redemption after 9/11

Dr. Fred Luskin

Dr. Fred Luskin is the director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects. He’s also the author of the bestselling books, Forgive for Good and Forgive for Love. Forgive for Good is the best-selling self-help book published on the topic of forgiveness. Fred has been interviewed hundreds of times in worldwide media, including The New York Times, O Magazine, the Los Angeles Times, Time Magazine, Huffington Post, and he has been featured on the Today Show and CBS Morning News. Learn more at fredluskin.com.

Dr. Eileen Borris

Dr. Eileen Borris is a clinical and political psychologist who has pioneered the concept of political forgiveness on the individual, community and national level. She has addressed the United Nations and has worked for over 30 years to build peace in areas of conflict around the world, including Rwanda, South Africa, Liberia, Nigeria, Ethiopia, and the Middle East. Eileen is the author of Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness and the creator of Healing the Divide, a program that trains leaders and other individuals interested in applying the principles of political forgiveness to transform their lives and create social change.

Be Part of Eileen’s Community

Subscribe to Political Forgiveness: Voices of Peace podcast on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Subscribe to Political Forgiveness newsletter at drborris.com or on LinkedIn.

Eileen’s book: Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness

Timestamps

00:00 Forgiving Imperfection

00:14 Season Two Kickoff

00:49 Meet Fred and Lyndon

02:55 Lyndon Before 9 11

04:40 Witnessing the Attacks

07:56 St. Pauls Relief Mission

09:16 Conflict and Resignation

12:31 Bitterness and Revenge

15:47 Life Falls Apart

18:47 Rock Bottom and Gratitude

22:31 Self Forgiveness Breakthrough

26:35 New Mission and Love

28:41 Advice for the Stuck

30:13 What Forgiveness Means Now

32:33 Closing and Resources

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From Revenge Fantasies to Forgiveness: Letting Go of Anger After 9/11

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“We come to spiritual depth in many ways, but two surefire ways to get there are love and great suffering.” —Richard Rohr

In April 2001, Lyndon Harris, a former Episcopal priest, was asked by Trinity Church in lower Manhattan to develop a new church community at the historic Saint Paul’s Chapel, where George Washington had often prayed. Then the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center took place September 11, which changed everything for the church and for Lyndon. As he stood at the foot of the South Tower, he watched the building collapse following the impact of the hijacked plane, and felt the fear that seared the city streets. The following day, Lyndon worked at the site to help with the search and rescue mission and performed last rites on the bodies that were recovered. Then he opened the church, which became a support center for first responders.

9/11 Relief Operation

At the mission, Lyndon worked tirelessly, helping thousands of rescue workers and their families endure the tragedy of 9/11. Yet something else was also beginning to bubble up behind the scenes: a lack of support from his superiors for the hardships of his work at the church. Resentment grew within Lyndon, along with the significant trauma he was experiencing because of 9/11. While he was working 12-hour shifts, his supervisor and the people he reported to were not at St. Paul’s or even in New York City. Lyndon was doing things he didn’t have the authority to do, yet he persisted, convinced he was doing the right thing, which created a conflict. After serving 240 days and breathing in black, polluted air, he resigned, burning all his bridges. Lyndon was clearly coming from a heartfelt place, tending to volunteers and human remains while experiencing his own trauma and butting up against administrative issues and bureaucracy.

The Poison of Unforgiveness

Lyndon became deeply entrenched in being right—he wondered why his superiors didn’t see what the Gospel commanded, and held on to many negative feelings. As Nelson Mandela once said, it was like “drinking poison and waiting for someone else to die,” and for Lyndon, it was the sweetest Kool-Aid he ever had in his life. In that moment, he had no interest in forgiveness. He, like so many of us, was nursing his revenge fantasy. Then, in a phone call, someone suggested that he needed to forgive these guys. Lyndon shouted back, slammed down the phone and threw it against the wall. Someone offered help, and all he could think was, “Don’t you know what they did to me?”—the epitome of unforgiveness.

This is where many of us get stuck. We hold onto our self-pity and need to be right. Lyndon wanted revenge of the worst kind. After resigning from the church, Lyndon sank into depression, left his marriage, lost his job, and soon after lost his house. He was running from the pain he couldn’t face. People were happy to play along, thinking they were being supportive—but that only reinforced Lyndon’s victim narrative, a story that takes away our power. Yet when people suggest forgiveness, there is usually resistance.  People hold tight to being a victim, not realizing that their claim to victimhood is claiming their life.

Yes, Lyndon was treated badly, and he did suffer, in part, because of his own bad choices. He did go through real pain and difficulty. It took a total falling apart for him to realize he couldn’t do this anymore, and he reached a point when he asked himself: “What else can I do?” It was only then that Lyndon began to entertain the thought of forgiveness.

From Helplessness to Agency Through Gratitude

Lyndon had an unshakeable faith that God still had a role for him, even with the mess he had made, and that he had to dig deep into his heart and soul to find the courage to face what he had done. He realized he had to take responsibility for his life, and little by little, he started to reclaim it. When he really took that to heart, he began to think about what he was grateful for and the blessings he had in his life. He was lucky to be alive—after all, so many people were killed in his vicinity the morning of 9/11, and he was still standing. Gratitude helped him move from helplessness to agency, from blame to taking responsibility. This is gratitude’s power. When we start feeling love and gratitude, we can feel the energy shift in our bodies and in our thinking. This is what forgiveness is about. We choose to see the world from a different perspective; one based on greater understanding.

Permission to Grieve and Make Mistakes

Opening his heart to gratitude enabled Lyndon to forgive himself. His belief and expectation—especially for not being perfect as an Episcopal priest—was that he couldn’t make a mistake. When Lyndon could finally forgive himself, he could own his humanity and give himself permission to grieve. He had so much anger, which he later realized was just a disguise for grief. He accepted that he makes mistakes like everyone else, and he needed to be kind to himself. He realized he could take responsibility for his mistakes, care for himself, embrace his future, and stop being miserable about the past. When he was able to be kind to himself, he found that he could be a whole lot kinder to others for their mistakes.

The irony is that when Lyndon left the priesthood, he truly became the priest he wanted to be. It took him a long time to get to that place, but as Lyndon said himself, quoting Nietzsche, we should be lovers of our fate. At first, Lyndon wasn’t so sure about that, but now that he has gotten to the other side, his fate has become easier to love—and that is the power of forgiveness.

To hear Lyndon Harris’ story in his own words, check out my latest podcast episode, Shedding the Victim Story: Lyndon Harris on Forgiveness After 9/11. Subscribe to Voices of Peace: Personal Forgiveness on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Welcome to Season 2! Voices of Peace: Personal Forgiveness

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I’m thrilled to announce we’re just days away from the season 2 kick-off of my podcast! To reflect a new focus on forgiveness in our daily lives, the title is now “Voices of Peace: Personal Forgiveness,” and I’m delighted to have Dr. Fred Luskin as my co-host. Director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects and the author of the bestselling books, Forgive for Good and Forgive for Love. Fred is a true expert on forgiving spouses, parents, children, friends, co-workers, bosses — and even ourselves.

We have a fresh line-up of interviews with more forgiveness leaders and forgiveness stories, as well as normal people struggling to forgive. For the first time ever, Fred and I will be offering forgiveness coaching on the podcast. Our first guest is Lyndon Harris, who was an Episcopal priest in New York City when his life after 9/11 fell apart. Listen to this quick teaser with a few snippets from the first episode!

Dr. Fred Luskin

Dr. Fred Luskin is the director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects. He’s also the author of the bestselling books, Forgive for Good and Forgive for Love. Forgive for Good is the best-selling self-help book published on the topic of forgiveness. Fred has been interviewed hundreds of times in worldwide media, including The New York Times, O Magazine, the Los Angeles Times, Time Magazine, Huffington Post, and he has been featured on the Today Show and CBS Morning News. Learn more at fredluskin.com.

Dr. Eileen Borris

Dr. Eileen Borris is a clinical and political psychologist who has pioneered the concept of political forgiveness on the individual, community and national level. She has addressed the United Nations and has worked for over 30 years to build peace in areas of conflict around the world, including Rwanda, South Africa, Liberia, Nigeria, Ethiopia, and the Middle East. Eileen is the author of Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness and the creator of Healing the Divide, a program that trains leaders and other individuals interested in applying the principles of political forgiveness to transform their lives and create social change.

Be Part of Eileen’s Community

Subscribe to Political Forgiveness: Voices of Peace podcast on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Subscribe to Political Forgiveness newsletter at drborris.com or on LinkedIn.

Eileen’s book: Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness

Timestamps

00:00 We Are More Than Our Mistakes

00:21 Podcast Welcome

01:01 What Forgiveness Feels Like

01:40 Stories and Takeaways

02:00 Join the Journey

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I want to forgive, but don’t know where to start.

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When is anger appropriate? How does humility play a part in forgiveness? What about those who cling to revenge? Is there an optimal time for forgiveness? How do I deal with guilt? When do I need to set a healthy boundary? How do we heal trauma?

The participants in this conversation did not hold back. Through their tough and insightful questions we had a rich dialogue about the deep emotional processing involved in forgiving. I’m honored to share excerpts from my conversation with Mary Noble of Feminenza International and participants of the Erasmus+ project “A Resilient Life,” where I answer their questions about all the ways forgiveness can release emotional burdens and lead to healing, hope, resilience, and freedom.

This was such a wide-ranging conversation with so many wonderful forgiveness stories — don’t miss the complete video. This conversation explores the vital role forgiveness plays in our personal healing and features a rich dialogue with participants from Kenya, Kosovo, Israel, and across Europe.

FEMINENZA INTERNATIONAL

Feminenza International is a global non-profit organization focused on women’s development, trauma healing, and education in forgiveness co-founded by Mary Noble, who has been a guest of mine in previous episodes.

For more information about Feminenza programs reach out to contactus@feminenza.org

Dr. Eileen Borris

Dr. Eileen Borris is a clinical and political psychologist who has pioneered the concept of political forgiveness on the individual, community and national level. She has addressed the United Nations and has worked for over 30 years to build peace in areas of conflict around the world, including Rwanda, South Africa, Liberia, Nigeria, Ethiopia, and the Middle East. Eileen is the author of Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness and the creator of Healing the Divide, a program that trains leaders and other individuals interested in applying the principles of political forgiveness to transform their lives and create social change.

Be Part of Eileen’s Community

Subscribe to Political Forgiveness: Voices of Peace podcast on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Subscribe to Political Forgiveness newsletter at drborris.com or on LinkedIn.

Eileen’s book: Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness

Timecodes

00:00  Forgiveness is inner healing, not about the other person

01:30  Meet Dr. Eileen Borris and Mary Noble

03:16  Revenge: The “revenge story” exercise and grieving what was lost

05:04  What forgiveness is—and isn’t

05:44  Humility and anger

08:23  Trauma healing and forgiveness timing

11:47  Stories of transformation

16:12  “I want to forgive, but where do i start?”

18:21  From pragmatic to spiritual: deeper layers of forgiveness

25:57  Hope vs. authoritarianism

27:43  Everyday forgiveness: boundaries, verbal abuse, and the guilt cycle

31:16  Closing and season 2 preview: New co-host and new focus

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Forgiveness: The Highest Form of Love

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February is a month people are thinking about love. There are all types of love — from the love of your pet to a best friend to the romantic love towards your significant other. But the highest form of love is that of forgiveness. Forgiveness teaches us about unconditional love. It is not only loving those who are easy to love and who are close to us, but it allows us to love those who are opposite from us and hold views different from us — possibly even those who have done great harm to us.

It is through forgiveness that we learn about ourselves. We become aware of the lens we choose to see the world through, recognizing that what we see in others is what is so hard for us to see within ourselves. When we own that, we are beginning to see someone else in a different light, a more forgiving light. Even when taking a very small step, this begins to open our hearts and light a spark of love within ourselves that touches a deeper love: that of our humanity. It goes directly to the unity that connects all of us — to a higher awareness of the truth of who we are — human beings coming from the same creative source and whose inner being is a spiritual essence.

To learn to love deeply requires forgiveness to become a practice. Most people think of forgiveness as a one-time event. But speak to someone who has had a very painful experience, yet sincerely wanted to let go of their anger and pain and chose forgiveness. They will tell you it was a process, and it took time to work through the grief to get to the other side and to finally be able to forgive. It is this kind of commitment to the work of forgiveness that will change us. And it is this kind of work which helps us shift into a higher form of consciousness where our default is not anger or the need for revenge, but wanting to understand where this person is coming from, and what was the psychological landscape that brought this person to where he or she is today. This kind of thinking will help us see our world with greater understanding, compassion, empathy, and, yes, possibly love for what we all struggle with: the human condition. What greater love is there than giving someone total acceptance of who we are as human beings, recognizing that within all of us is a spiritual being, however deeply buried that may be. This is the essence of deeply held love.

The poet Alexander Pope once wrote, “To err is human, to forgive divine.” Forgiveness is one of the most difficult things we are asked to do, and at times it can feel impossible. Yet even in today’s world, where we hear so much talk about revenge and retribution, some people manage to forgive with amazing grace.

A Forgiveness Story: The Amish Community at Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania

One such story, which has touched many of us, happened on October 2, 2005, when Carl Roberts entered a one-room schoolhouse in the Amish community of Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania. He lined up 11 young girls and shot them at point-blank range. Roberts killed five of the girls and then killed himself. In an amazing act of courage the oldest girl, 13-year-old Marian Fisher asked Roberts to shoot her first. She hoped that she could spare the lives of the younger girls. And what was even more remarkable was that, just a few hours after the shooting, an Amish neighbor went to the Roberts family to comfort them and to offer forgiveness.

A grandfather of one of the girls killed was telling the boys to forgive what had just happened as they prepared the body of one of the little girls for burial. Five days later the families who lost their daughters attended the funeral of the man who had killed them. They went not in anger or for retribution, but to comfort the family and let them know that all was forgiven.

How were the Amish able to forgive? It was because the Amish have an enormous capacity to see things differently. Forgiveness is woven into the fabric of the Amish way of life. The more we are willing to entertain the thought of forgiveness, the more we, too, can experience it. The Amish never lost sight of the fact that, above all else, Roberts was a human being. They did not vilify him, and they were able to see beyond Robert’s actions and recognize not only his weaknesses but his goodness. They were able to see beyond their egos to what can be called seeing with spiritual sight. This gave the Amish the ability to sympathize with his family for their loss and move forward with compassion and not vengeful hate. This is one of the keys to learning how to forgive, looking past the outer behavior and understanding there is a spiritual essence within all of us.

Forgiveness as Grace and Healing

Forgiveness is not about letting someone off the hook. It is about your personal inner healing. It is about being able to tell your story, to listen to the wisdom of what your anger has to say and recognizing there is more to the story. On a deeper level it is about changing the way we think, which includes embracing our spiritual nature and the spiritual nature of even those who have hurt us. The process of forgiveness helps us to understand the pain and suffering of others, especially when we can say, “Why them?” instead of “Why me?” What has happened in their lives which has made them who they are today?

As we struggle with our own difficulties in being able to forgive, we also open ourselves up to a benevolent force which is far more powerful than we could ever be. This creative force, that is sometimes experienced as grace, is that inexplicable power which comes from something beyond us. This power gives us the ability to forgive, even when we feel within our hearts forgiveness is humanly impossible. When it happens, you can feel the power and presence of a higher intervention which transforms your relationships as you experience an outpouring of this inexplicable love.

This is the love which enabled the Amish to pray for everyone involved in what took place on October 2, not only for the innocent little girls who got killed and those still to recover, but for the killer himself. They knew expressing love would bring about healing for all those concerned, whereas taking on the same resentment as the attacker would only support evil and allow it to spread.

As we think about what it means to love and be loved this month, ask yourself — are you ready to embark on a journey which may be difficult at times but which can give you something that is a most precious gift: love itself. For if you really think about why we are here it is not necessarily to amass wealth or power, but to love and be loved.

She Forgave Her Ex

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At 33, Mary Noble’s world shattered—her husband suddenly left her for another woman. Pain and shock ruled for months, until one night a vivid dream sparked an unexpected epiphany: Forgiveness. That single word shifted everything and she forgave him. “It was this feeling of grace,” she recalls. Mary spent the next 20 years on a journey to understanding what it really means to forgive, which led her around the globe to her work in Kenya.

Mary Noble

Mary Noble is the co-founder and CEO of Feminenza, a nonprofit organization where she creates and leads training programs in forgiveness. Enjoy this reboot of her episode as we prepare to do a deep dive on personal forgiveness in 2026. Mary was a joy to interview and so transparent about finding herself in one of the most challenging situations. Her story of forgiving someone close to her is an inspiration for all of us.

Contact Mary

Email: forgiveness@feminenza.org

Feminenza: https://feminenza.org

Dr. Eileen Borris

Dr. Eileen Borris is a clinical and political psychologist who has pioneered the concept of political forgiveness on the individual, community and national level. She has addressed the United Nations and has worked for over 30 years to build peace in areas of conflict around the world, including Rwanda, South Africa, Liberia, Nigeria, Ethiopia, and the Middle East. Eileen is the author of Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness and the creator of Healing the Divide, a program that trains leaders and other individuals interested in applying the principles of political forgiveness to transform their lives and create social change.

Be Part of Eileen’s Community

Subscribe to Political Forgiveness: Voices of Peace podcast on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Subscribe to Political Forgiveness newsletter at drborris.com or on LinkedIn.

Eileen’s book: Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness

Timecodes

00:00 Introduction to Political Forgiveness

00:33 Introducing Antti Pentikainen

00:45 Life in War Zones

02:33 Transition to Academia and US Advisory Role

03:55 The Concept of Sacrifice

08:56 Spiritual Injury and Healing

15:14 Truth, Racial Healing, and Transformation

24:35 The Role of Art and Community in Healing

28:06 Final Thoughts and Call to Action

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Forgiving Our Exes

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January is a natural time for personal reflection, renewal, and practicing forgiveness of those close to us. The new year offers an opportunity to let go of past hurts and self-blame and move forward with a new perspective. As Fred Luskin and I prepare to launch season 2 of the podcast focusing on personal forgiveness, I’m revisiting this story from season 1 because it’s such a moving example of one woman’s personal journey finding freedom after betrayal.

Forgiveness can enter our lives in strange ways. For Mary Noble she was consumed with anger and pain when one day her husband announced that he was leaving her for another woman. Mary, founder and CEO of Feminenza, a nonprofit organization where Mary gives training programs in forgiveness, did not always support the belief in forgiveness. She was in shock over the end of her marriage—didn’t even see it coming. And for six months she was filled with anguish.

Last summer in an episode of “Political Forgiveness: Voices of Peace,” I interviewed Mary, who shared a dream that her husband came back, and in the dream Mary knew they were going through all the difficulties they had put each other through yet again. When Mary woke up, she realized that she needed to move on.

A Moment of Grace

During the course of that day the word forgiveness “landed” in Mary. In her heart of hearts, she wanted her life back. She wanted to be free of her anger, to forgive her ex and his lover. At that moment of truly wanting to let go, she felt something inside of her—as though a miracle had happened, a moment of grace where the anger totally dissipated, replaced by feelings of joy. Mary realized this was not about her ex, it was about her inner healing. She recognized that there was something greater going on: An interior renovation took place where she was able to totally let go of her pain. In her sincere desire to let go of her anger and resentment Mary experienced the miracle of forgiveness, and it can happen to anyone.

Forgiving Our Exes, Forgiving Our Enemies

This experience was so powerful that it stayed with Mary. Twenty years later, as she was developing programs for Feminenza, the issue of forgiveness kept coming up. This inspired Mary to engage in a two-year study of forgiveness, asking herself questions such as, “Why should we forgive?” and “What about the perpetrator.” She realized that as a society, as a human race, the lack of forgiveness is enshrined in what we consider the right way to go: vendettas, tit for tat, sweet revenge—the things we believe are okay to do.

All of this affects our ability as a human race to evolve, to become better human beings. Then a Congolese pastor who worked at the United Nations sat down with Mary and pulled out pictures of mutilated bodies. Mary asked what was she looking at and he replied, “You’re looking at the result of the civil war in the Congo and the lack of forgiveness. Generation after generation, leader after leader, each one comes into power and massacres everyone who was there before.” Then the pastor said, “I think, Mary, forgiveness is the only way out of this.”

So how do we heal what has been passed down from generation to generation? Forgiveness is about the art of healing. This is what Mary was doing—creating a certain ecology in her workshops that is so warm and loving that it provided the space and the opportunity for people to release at least some of what they were holding on to.

Peeling the Layers

When we are willing to engage in a forgiveness process and are willing to do the work, it’s like peeling the layers of an onion. We begin to deal with our anger, our fear, our guilt. We give ourselves permission to mourn. And then we can begin to release pain and sorrow, and in that releasing we begin to remove blocks to the ability to love. That’s the profoundness of forgiveness. We don’t necessarily think about it in that way, but there are many levels of forgiveness from the pragmatic, letting go of pain and suffering, to the sublime, knowing grace and the face of God.

Through the work of forgiveness, we develop the ability to connect with our humanity. That interconnectedness can become very powerful—that what I see in you is what I also know is in me, because we are all part of the human condition. As we go deeper into the forgiveness process, we begin to understand what it really means to love: I can see you in your entirety. The deeper we begin to recognize what it means to be human and get in touch with our own humanity, the more we peel off those layers, the more we are also learning about what real love is. And if we can get to a place of being able to love someone—even though they may have harmed us deeply—that is the highest form of love we will ever really know.

To hear Mary’s stories in her own words, listen to this reboot of her episode from Season 1: She Forgave Her Ex. To hear more stories of personal forgiveness, tune into my podcast this spring for Season 2: Personal Forgiveness. Find “Political Forgiveness: Voices of Peace” on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Forgiveness Is a Skill. These Are the Trainers.

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This final episode of season 1 features three guests from Forgiveness International, a nonprofit organization whose purpose is to promote interpersonal forgiveness through ESPERE, the schools of Forgiveness and Reconciliation. This conversation with Leocadia Montero-Hainley, Rodney Peterson, and Daniel Carman brought me back to the heart of why I do this work.

These three shared stories of gang interventions, restorative circles, and interfaith reconciliation that reveal how deeply harm shapes us — and how powerful it is when people choose to reach out in forgiveness. From a mother who forgave the man who paralyzed her daughter to children learning that forgiveness can become a new default, these guests remind us that healing truly begins with the individual. We can all learn this skill. And when we do, it reshapes our families, communities, and society.

Season two of “Political Forgiveness: Voices of Peace” begins spring of 2026 focusing on individual forgiveness. I’ll be joined by co-host Dr. Fred Luskin of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects and author of the bestselling books, “Forgive for Good” and “Forgive for Love.”

Leocadia Montero-Hainley

Leocadia Montero-Hainley is a psychotherapist and principal of Leocadia Consulting specializing in conflict resolution, trauma processing, and restorative justice. She leads restorative circles and offers workshops that help communities rebuild trust, heal harm, and strengthen relationships.

Rodney Peterson

Rodney Peterson served as executive director of the Boston Theological Institute and the Consortium of Theological Schools in the greater Boston area. He currently leads workshops on forgiveness and reconciliation with Boston’s Cooperative Metropolitan Ministries and is a visiting scholar at Duke Divinity School.

Dan Carman

Dan Carman is the director of Cooperative Metropolitan Ministries, Boston’s oldest interfaith social-action network, and serves as vice chair of Forgiveness International. His work centers on community healing, interfaith collaboration, and developing practical pathways toward reconciliation.

Mentioned in the Episode

Dignity: Its Essential Role in Resolving Conflict by Donna Hicks

Dr. Eileen Borris

Dr. Eileen Borris is a clinical and political psychologist who has pioneered the concept of political forgiveness on the individual, community and national level. She has addressed the United Nations and has worked for over 30 years to build peace in areas of conflict around the world, including Rwanda, South Africa, Liberia, Nigeria, Ethiopia, and the Middle East. Eileen is the author of Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness and the creator of Healing the Divide, a program that trains leaders and other individuals interested in applying the principles of political forgiveness to transform their lives and create social change.

Join Eileen’s Community

Subscribe to Political Forgiveness: Voices of Peace podcast on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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Eileen’s book: Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness

Timecodes

00:00 Introduction and Welcome

00:18 Introducing the Guests

03:21 Leo’s Journey from Law to Psychotherapy

07:54 Dan’s Story: From Bullying to Mediation

13:04 Rodney’s Work in Forgiveness and Reconciliation

18:36 Transformations Through Forgiveness

26:57 Personal Impact of Forgiveness Work

30:10 Final Thoughts and Messages

33:17 Conclusion and Season Wrap-Up

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Forgiveness and the Meaning of Christmas

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The Christmas season is upon us, bringing with it themes of hope, love, and joy. Traditionally, it is the time of gift-giving, generosity, and goodwill. In the Jewish tradition, Hanukkah symbolizes the theme of light overcoming darkness. Kwanzaa is about building relationships with a call for unity and forgiveness to help the community prosper. The core belief in the Christian tradition is that the birth of Jesus would lead to his sacrifice, atoning for human sin. This divine act of grace and mercy is considered the greatest gift ever given, and because of the gift of forgiveness, Christians are taught to extend the same grace and compassion to others. The Christmas season reflects a time to release grudges, heal old wounds, and forgive — especially family members, friends, and neighbors. This is mirrored in the proclamation of “peace on earth, goodwill towards men,” which we often hear during this time and is tied to the idea of mending broken relationships and fostering goodwill, made possible through the power of forgiveness.

Unconditional Love and Goodwill

For many, Christmas is the celebration of the birth of an incredible being who embodies the energy of unconditional love, goodwill toward others, and caring for those who are less fortunate. It brings in a higher state of consciousness. This spiritual concept refers to a state of divine awareness attainable by anyone. It is the realization of one’s divine nature, leading to the outward demonstration of qualities such as love, joy, and compassion. It is an awareness that moves beyond ego and reactivity, often achieved through spiritual practice and spiritual and emotional maturity. The key element is understanding the limits of the ego and transcending it, which opens the door to a more peaceful and loving state of being.

Forgiveness is at the heart of the Christmas season, and there are people doing the work of forgiveness with underserved or overlooked populations. We have met some of these people during season 1 of our podcast. Our season finale features three people doing incredible work, giving workshops to people experiencing domestic violence, living in prisons, or dealing with the aftermath of war. Forgiveness begins with the individual, which means all of us can contribute to healing our society and lay the foundation for a culture of forgiveness that leads to societal change.

Practicing Forgiveness

All of us can practice forgiveness this holiday season by mending broken relationships and letting go of grudges. In forgiving others, recognize that people who hurt others may have been hurt themselves, making it easier to extend compassion and see them in a more forgiving light. And don’t forget to seek forgiveness for yourself. This is the time for self-reflection — to acknowledge actions you may regret and the harm it may have caused others. Have the courage to apologize to others if need be; it will help you feel better. Self-forgiveness also means having compassion for yourself. Being human means being imperfect, making mistakes, and accepting our vulnerabilities. It happens to all of us. We can’t change the past, but we can create a different future. And don’t forget, during these hectic and stressful times, thoughtful acts of kindness can go a long way.

Stories From Forgiveness Trainers

In this month’s episode of Political Forgiveness: Voices of Peace you’ll hear stories from Leocadia Montero-Hainley, a psychotherapist and consultant specializing in conflict resolution and trauma processing; Rodney Peterson, executive director of the Boston Theological Schools in the Greater Boston area; and Dan Carmen, director of Cooperative Metropolitan Ministries, which is Boston’s oldest interfaith social action network. All three have given training programs in forgiveness.

Leocadia began her career as a prosecutor, hoping her work would change people’s lives. She didn’t see much behavioral change, so she left that field to study human behavior. As part of her internship program at Adelante Mujeres, a nonprofit organization that focuses on the needs of marginalized immigrant Latina women, Leocadia became involved with the ESPERE (Schools of Forgiveness) forgiveness training program, where she began working with survivors of domestic violence. It was here that she experienced the transformative power of forgiveness.

Rodney’s interest in forgiveness began when he attended the Harvard Conference on Forgiveness and Reconciliation, which featured Desmond Tutu and his reflections on apartheid. That gave Rodney courage to teach forgiveness and reconciliation in his classes at the Boston University School of Theology. He began giving workshops around the world, looking at conflict and religion. When Rodney made it to Bosnia, he met with religious clerics and tried to have a conversation about the war when one of the clerics turned to Rodney and said, “All that we are really interested in is for someone to say, ‘I’m sorry.’ ” That was a striking moment Rodney will never forget, which spoke to the importance of forgiveness.

Dan grew up in the Washington, DC area and was schooled in Fairfax County, where the population was very diverse. There was gang violence in his school. It was a hard place to navigate, especially at a young age. Dan learned how to fight in his own defense, getting his basic training from M13. He was trusted by this gang and learned how to mediate between them and other gangs. As Dan’s interest in mediation grew, he began to study different forms of conflict resolution, which ultimately led him to study forgiveness and reconciliation and to the ESPERE program.

Season 2: Seeking Podcast Guests With Forgiveness Stories or Coaching Potential

This is the end of season 1 of Political Forgiveness: Voices of Peace. I want to thank all of my wonderful guests who made this season possible. There is a lot to learn from all of them, and I am so grateful. Season 2 will begin in the spring of 2026, and I have a fabulous co-host joining me: Dr. Frederic Luskin, who was my first guest this season. Season 1 covered the broad picture of political forgiveness. Season 2 will focus on how we build the foundation of political forgiveness, which begins with the individual, and will focus on individual forgiveness.

If you know of anyone with a forgiveness story, or you yourself have personally been able to forgive, or have struggled with any aspect of forgiveness, and are interested in possibly being coached on the podcast, please get in touch with me. Fred and I are looking for anyone who struggles to forgive their exes, spouses, adult children, parents, family members, friends, bosses, etc. I can be reached at erborris@gmail.com. Looking forward to hearing from you. Happy holidays!