Are Grievances Running Our Nation and Is Political Forgiveness Our Way Out?

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On January 6, 2021, a date that will go down as one of the darkest in American history, a routine certification of presidential election results turned into a bloodbath of grievance. What happened at the US Capitol was not just the result of one election and the defeat of then-President Donald Trump, it was the culmination of years of adding kindling to the bonfire. On January 6, the words and actions of one man, encouraging his mob of supporters to believe him, resulted in an insurrection against the United States Congress at the US Capitol building in Washington, D.C.

Americans are deeply divided over why the insurrection happened, most assuming the split reflects bitter partisan politics. Although we may think that the insurrection was about the Big Lie or that the 2020 presidential election was stolen, what motivated the rioters that day was the notion that the United States is for white people whose power must be protected at all costs. The slogan, “Stop the steal,” was not only referring to the belief in a rigged election, it was also referring to the sense of status being stolen, the resentment that Black people and other minority groups were using race to gain unfair advantage. It is a metaphor for what some people are feeling is happening in our country: their status is being stolen and they feel threatened. White grievance, according to Robert Pape, a professor of political science at the University of Chicago, was the primary motivation for January 6. According to Pape, “There is a clear racial cleavage that you see in our data and that is what is also captured in the ‘great replacement theory.” Racial resentment was a crucial factor among white Americans who supported the January 6 attack on the United States Capitol.

Not all grievances are created equal. The protests over the killing of George Floyd and the resulting Black Lives Matter protests are examples of grievances that need to be heard and dealt with. Genuine grievances stemming from personal experiences are grievances that need to be listened to. The grievances at the heart of the protests that have erupted in hundreds of US cities need to be heard and addressed if the country is to move on from its tragic history of racism and violence.

A large majority of US citizens are beginning to accept the long history of racism, and the legacy of racist ideas and structures left behind, according to Simon Clark, writing for the Center for American Progress. “The recent protests and public reaction to George Floyd’s murder are a testament to many individuals’ deep commitment to renewing the founding ideals of the republic. But there is another, more dangerous, side to this debate—one that seeks to rehabilitate toxic political notions of racial superiority, stokes fear of immigrants and minorities to inflame grievances for political ends, and attempts to build a notion of an embattled white majority which has to defend its power by any means necessary.”

Violence and, in particular, political violence seems to be feeding into a cacophony of grievances, loudly broadcast through our airwaves and any other form of conceivable communication. Racism and political violence fueled by grievances touch every aspect of our personal and political lives, creating a great division and polarizing our country. How do we heal this?

We need to understand the nature of racial resentment. If we only focus on “racism” it runs the risk of continued polarization and makes healing more difficult. Using anger and violence to intimidate shuts down communication; people will not listen to one another, rendering any healing process or reconciliation impossible. Everyone needs to be treated with respect, to feel safe, to have their voices heard and feelings worked out, in order for a change of mindset to occur. This is the premise of any political forgiveness process, for people to feel safe and be heard, to share deeply about themselves and to deeply hear one another.

Political forgiveness is an act that joins truth, tolerance, empathy, and a commitment to repair fractured human relationships to support a process of conflict transformation. To stop the cycles of anger, hatred, and fear fueling so much suffering requires a radical change in our thinking, which involves changing our mindsets. We change mindsets by seeing each other through a different lens, not one of anger and fear toward one another, but through understanding the psychological landscape where all of us have come from, and gaining an understanding for what we have all been through. This enables us to reframe the past by giving it a new narrative which can support societal change.

A political forgiveness process begins with individual understanding: for all of us to get in touch with why we feel the way we do. It’s important to understand how our grievances, our resentments, began, and to create a meaningful story. It’s not easy to develop peace within oneself, especially when we feel mistreated—and this is what a grievance is about, we feel that something happened we didn’t want to happen, or that some event we really hoped for simply didn’t occur. Ultimately a grievance forms because something in our life turned out to be radically different from what we wanted, and we feel unfairly treated.

Our grievances form when we don’t have the skills to deal with our reality and don’t know how to communicate with one another, focusing too much on the injustice we feel. A political forgiveness process helps people learn those skills of how to work through grievances and to develop the necessary skills and the mindset, which can lead to resolutions. As part of the process, people come together and learn to deeply hear and communicate with one another, engage in a dialogue process and with a greater openness to one another and to discuss how they can come together to create societal change. As a deeper healing takes place among people with different views and concerns, this country can develop a culture of political forgiveness and peaceful co-existence that can become the foundation for societal change by healing emotions that have fueled polarization and by developing skills that can be used — including forgiveness skills to foster better relationships in one’s personal life — within communities and within nations. By developing a new way of thinking through a political forgiveness process, participants deepen their ability to reframe situations, thereby creating a new vision, which includes a healing narrative, accepting one another as legitimate partners in creating a more peaceful society.

 

Sources

American Myths Are Made of White Grievance—and the January 6 Big Lie is Just the Latest, Anthony Conwright, Jan.–Feb. 2023 issue, Mother Jones.)

How White Supremacy Returned to Mainstream Politics, Simon Clark, Center for American Progress

How Can Israelis and Palestinians Achieve Peace?

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During the early morning hours of October 7, 2023, a horrifying massacre took place where the Palestinian Sunni Islamist group Hamas led a surprise attack against Israel from the Gaza Strip by land, sea, and air, firing barrages of rockets towards the southern and central parts of the country. The fighting continues and countless people are dying on both sides. One of the largest targets were the children in Gaza. Debates continued concerning whether there should there be a ceasefire and the issue of humanitarian aid. Was this genocide of the Palestinian people? Many voices expressed the horror of the brutality that was taking place on both the Israeli and Palestinian people.

One such person, Rula Daood, the Palestinian Israeli co-director of Standing Together, a progressive grassroots movement that mobilizes people around issues of peace, equity, and social justice, passionately said, “There is no other way but forward.” They told us that this war would crush Hamas. They told us that it would bring the hostages home. But none of this has happened. The hostages continue to die. Those that came back, came back as part of a deal. Hamas is only growing stronger. It’s Gazan lives being crushed: children, women, men, innocent people whose homes were destroyed and who have nothing to eat.

Tens of thousands of people living near the border lived through a horrifying massacre on October 7, lost family and friends, and now they don’t know when they will be able to return home. How is any of this good for any of us? For the good of those who live here? How much more blood will be spilled before we understand that this war is crushing all of us? How many people will die before we understand that this is not the way to get security? How many homes will be destroyed? How many dreams abandoned before we understand that there will be no hope on one side of the border if there is no hope on the other? That the fate of Israelis and Palestinians is intertwined. That we will all live in peace and freedom — or that none of us will.

How can Israelis and Palestinians achieve peace? Aziz Abu Sarah, a Palestinian peacemaker and Maoz Inon, an Israeli peacemaker share a touching story of friendship and how they choose reconciliation over revenge. What brought them together was a belief in a better future and, through finding shared values, they built a coalition of Israeli and Palestinian citizens whose intention is creating a path of hope and peace.

On October 7 Inon lost his parents during the massacre, along with many of his childhood friends, their parents, and their children. Inon was drowning in an ocean of grief and pain. At night he visited this horror in his dream state. In one particular dream he saw humanity crying with him. Tears were streaming down faces washing over wounded bodies until the tears healed the bodies and washed the blood from the ground purifying the land. What emerged from the ground was a path, a path to peace. When Inon woke up he immediately knew that this was the path he needed to take, a path of reconciliation and not revenge.

Maoz Inon and Aziz Abu Sarah met only once before October 7, yet Abu Sarah sent a message offering condolences when hearing that Inon’s parents were killed. In a response that surprised Abu Sarah, Inon said he was mourning not only the death of his parents — he was crying for the people of Gaza who were also losing lives. Inon didn’t want what happened to be justification for anyone to take revenge, understanding that it was easier to be angry than to not want to justify war.

Abu Sarah had a different story of pain and sorrow. His brother Tayseer was killed by an Israeli soldier when he was only nineteen years old. Abu Sarah, ten at the time, was angry and bitter, only wanting revenge. It was eight years later when Abu Aziz went to study Hebrew with Jewish immigrants to Israel that he realized that he could make choices regardless of what other people do, and, through being angry and hateful, Abu Aziz would only become a slave to the person who killed his brother.

Abu Sarah has worked in 70 countries, and he’s discovered that the causes of conflict are the same. It’s the lack of recognition, a lack of willingness to understand each other’s historical narrative or listen to one another deeply with respect, and not having a shared vision for the future. The other issue is that people are divided because they cannot talk and have conversations with one another.

All of us need to learn from each other, to not be afraid to ask the hard questions, and to be honest and willing to listen. What Inon learned from speaking with Palestinians is that we must forgive for the past, forgive the present, but we cannot and should not forgive for the future. We need to work to make the future a better future. Inon speaks of the gap, since the beginning of the Zionist movement and the Palestinian national movement, with the war they have been waging on each other becoming wider and wider, with their stories so very far apart. And according to Inon, a miracle can happen where the stories meet in the future; they will be based on reconciliation and recognition, where all will feel safe, secure, and equal.

People may hear the word “forgiveness” yet think: How can you lose people you love and not be angry? No one is saying to abandon your anger. Anger can be a teacher, telling us that something must change, either within ourselves or outside of ourselves. Anger is real — yet we must be very careful not to let our anger turn into hate, blinded by the need for revenge.

What is being asked of us is to have moral courage, hope, and the ability to envision a better future. If we come with the mindset of seeing the world not through the eyes of anger or fear but with willingness to see things differently, a new story can be written. If we recognize there are people on all sides of the divide who want to live normal lives in harmony, together we can build a narrative that includes reconciling with one another so that all people can live in peace.

Being Valued, Seen, and Heard in a Polarized Society

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Roelf Meyer, a prominent South African politician and privileged member of Afrikaner society, may have become President of South Africa had the system of apartheid not come to an end. Yet Meyer became one of the key people who convinced President F.W. de Klerk to release Nelson Mandela from prison, and then subsequently led the negotiating team of the white-minority government in the talks to end apartheid, according to the book Beyond Conflict. How was Meyer able to make a shift in his thinking, moving away from his initial beliefs of racial superiority and developing a greater awareness of the importance of equality for all?

During the time when Meyer started practicing law, he was confronted with the reality that Blacks and other non-white South Africans had no constitutional rights, and as such began to grapple with his personal sense of fairness and justice. In a story recounted in Beyond Conflict, Meyer described a young Black boy sitting in the back of a white farmer’s pick-up truck, along with the farmer’s dog. It began to rain, and the farmer stopped the truck to get his dog and put him in the cab, leaving the boy in the back of the truck to be drenched in the rain. Struck by the profound act of humiliation and insensitivity to the young boy, Meyer began to think more and more about the blatant racism found in his country.

At one point during his political life, Meyer was given an assignment by President P.W. Botha to learn why Black people were rioting. While spending eighteen months visiting Black townships to gain an understanding of the unrest, he started to recognize that, although he was an elected representative to Parliament, he in no way represented the people of South Africa. Rather, he only represented a tiny white minority whose advantages and privileges he could no longer morally support. It became clear to Meyer, at least on an intellectual level, that there was a critical need for social and political change to take place. On an emotional level, Meyer wasn’t there yet. It wasn’t until years later, that he completed his personal journey, making a paradigm shift and leaving the thoughts of Black inferiority behind, realizing that South Africa’s future could only be based on equality for all. It is this type of thinking and changing of mindsets that opens one up to be willing to work with others—not only as a leader but in a healing capacity.

The course of Meyer’s personal transformation, from a pragmatic shift in his thinking to a much deeper, more personal paradigm shift, did not happen overnight, and fundamentally involved more of an emotional understanding rather than an intellectual one. As Meyer would say “It involves deeply personal values and passions and has to come from the soul.”

Unity Takes Center Stage

What can we learn from this story, especially within the context of what is currently taking place in the United States? Changing mindsets begins when we are willing to get to know the “other,” to listen to their stories and understand their realities. We cannot understand the other side without knowing the other side. Change is something we all must be challenged with at some point, whether in the political arena or in our social lives. Our democracy depends on it.

Meyer’s story also shows that instead of hating one another, we could focus on working with each other. This unity needs to take center stage if we want to combat all that divides us. More importantly, our focus needs to be on making systemic changes and connecting with each other to make that happen. We need to develop courage within ourselves to face what is going on and to stand up to what is wrong. And we need to ask ourselves, “What does it mean to be an American?” Just as Meyer went to the Black townships to gain an understanding of the different realities, we need to become aware of what the different groups of Americans’ lived realities are, and to experience these realities of who we think of as the “other.” In this spirit of inclusivity, we are saying to one another “I see you.”

All the elements we have just talked about are important steps in a political forgiveness intervention. Taking responsibility for one’s thinking is critical to creating a paradigm shift. It is the transformation of mindsets and the building of trust that creates this lasting change. One needs to understand that, by engaging in a collective form of forgiveness on a political level, it is possible to bring antagonistic groups together in a healing capacity, to prevent senseless bickering, grievances, and polarization and to ensure instances such as this will not happen again.

A Political Forgiveness Research Project

Currently I’m developing a political forgiveness research project in the U.S. to reduce polarization by quieting anger and intolerance, as well as enabling participants to tolerate diverse views, better articulate one’s own point of view, increase self-awareness of bias, and to link a political forgiveness intervention to societal change. The purpose of the project is to bring people together who hold different political views and train them to engage with one another in a constructive way.

This is designed as a four-session training program. The first session focuses on defining forgiveness and political forgiveness, the differences and overlap between interpersonal forgiveness and political forgiveness, and why political forgiveness is necessary. The second and third sessions focus on building the basic skills of forgiveness, including letting go of grievances and petty anger, learning how to change mindsets and how to be more understanding and tolerant of one another. Session four takes a deeper dive, teaching deep listening skills that enable us to feel valued, heard, and seen. Participants will have the opportunity to take part in a dialogue process, the “logics of truth” where they can share their own truths, their hopes and fears, and discuss what a societal healing process might look like, linking political forgiveness to social change.

Political Forgiveness Training for Members of Congress

It is anticipated that one of the ways this program can have great impact is by offering it to incoming freshmen entering Congress in Arizona, my home state, or in any other state. Teaching freshmen these skills before they start working in Congress will enable them to have better working relationships and be more effective in the work they will be doing. And if we can all learn these skills, our personal and social lives would be more rewarding.

Why is this political forgiveness training so important?  Sacred traditions have a deep understanding of human psychology and tell us that the development of the ego is not the final state of human evolution. The idea that humans can grow beyond ego to divine self-transcendence is crucial to our understanding of forgiveness. Forgiveness on an individual level, which lays the foundation of a political forgiveness process, can be very powerful, even transformative. Forgiveness helps us tap into the deeper meaning of what it is to be human and helps us develop those transcendental values that are not about self-interest but about become more caring human beings.

Transcendence is considered one of the highest states of consciousness where we are focused on things beyond the self, such as a spiritual awakening or service to others. It informs the way we think, so instead of seeing the world through the lens of our fears, insecurities, and need for power, we see the world through the understanding of our interconnectedness. We are not reacting out of our ego’s self-interest, but coming from a more spiritual place within ourselves and are more concerned about the highest good for all. These are the values that are missing in our discourse. Until we begin to develop those values, such as wisdom, generosity, fairness, truth, forgiveness and human dignity, we will stay stuck in our fear-based thinking—an “us vs. them”—thinking which feeds into the chaos and polarization we are experiencing today.

Be Part of the Research Project

For those of you who would like to participate in the political forgiveness research project, you will be at the forefront of creating a positive change. Not only will you experience feeling more peaceful within yourself by learning how to let go of grievances and petty anger, but you will also learn how to build a community by building trust and developing healthier relationships with one another. You will learn how to change mindsets where people can accept one another as legitimate partners and engage in a process linking forgiveness to societal change, building a culture of political forgiveness in our country instead of fostering more anger and bitterness. This is an exciting research project opened to anyone interested in bringing people together, bridging the political divide and reducing polarization in the United States. It will be a virtual program, offered nationwide. If interested please email me at erborris@gmail.com.

Source for Roelf Meyer story: Beyond Conflict: 20 years of Putting Experience To Work For Peace by Timothy Phillips, Brideswell Books, 2013

Deep Healing and Emotional Expression: Political Forgiveness as a Unique Peacebuilding Process

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On April 6, 1994, a plane carrying both the presidents of Burundi and Rwanda was shot down over the Rwandan capital, Kigali, leaving no survivors. Although it was thought that Hutu extremist were responsible for the downing of the plane, there were allegations placed on RPF (Rwandan Patriotic Front) leaders for what happened. This ignited a bloodbath, lasting 100 days killing between 800,000 and a million people. Across the airwaves there was talk fueling the massacre by inciting Hutu’s to eliminate those “Tutsi cockroaches.” Less than 30 minutes after the plane crash the atrocities began creating unimaginable fear, suffering and death. The killing shocked the international community and were clearly acts of genocide.

The Rwandan genocide was the culmination of decades of oppression and hatred towards the Tutsi by the Hutu majority group members. Beginning with Belgian rule, colonial policies fostered divisions between the Hutu and the Tutsi, according to Jeremy Maron writing for the Canadian Museum for Human Rights. The Belgians viewed the Tutsi minority as superior and favored them for leadership positions which created ongoing and deepening tensions between Hutu and Tutsi. The civil war was in part due to the long-standing emotional undertow which was never resolved between the Hutu and Tutsi peoples that boiled over into a conflict between the Tutsi-led RPF and the Hutu-controlled government. Unfortunately, even with the cries of “never again,” genocide keeps rearing its ugly head in other parts of the world.

Genocide doesn’t just happen. It takes years in the making and is fueled by intense emotions, which never get resolved but are left alone to fester like a ticking time bomb ready to detonate. Not dealing with the undertow of strong emotions is inviting violence to take place. Rwanda and other countries where there has been genocide, repeated violence, and unresolved conflicts serve as examples. As a result, peace treaties often fail and negotiations end in an impasse. Emotions can be very difficult to deal with, but if ignored violence will rear its ugly head.

Peacebuilding measures address the issues which appear to be the immediate cause of the conflict, but for the most part ignore the emotions that fuel the conflict. A political forgiveness process is uniquely different than other peacebuilding measures — it provides a healing mechanism to deal with the emotional undertow that keeps a conflict alive. Political forgiveness builds a structure to contain the deep undercurrent of emotions that inevitably arise, and provides a way for these forceful emotions to be resolved, making this process distinct from other processes such as mediation, peacemaking, or reconciliation. Indeed, high emotions and deep division, are often a direct result of oppression, dehumanization, and polarization, often stoking grievances, hatred, and the need for revenge. Political forgiveness is the only peacebuilding process that consciously supports participants in expressing their strong emotions, which ultimately can lead to a transformation of the conflict.

Why is a process such as political forgiveness so hard to achieve? When thinking about something as horrifying as the Holocaust or the Rwandan genocide, our feelings about what took place are so abhorrent that we feel the people who committed these crimes are so stained with evil that there is nothing they could do which would warrant forgiveness. Even if we recognize that perhaps they are not inherently evil, morally they are not deserving of forgiveness. Our belief is that they are incapable of change and what they have done permanently defines who they are. Believing someone is unforgivable is very different than not being ready to forgive someone. It involves how someone feels about the innate worth of the wrongdoer.

While holding on to the belief that someone is unforgivable, what one is also saying is that this person is inherently morally inferior and not capable of change. As Christopher Bennett said in the European Journal of Philosophy: “Not to recognize a person as a member of the moral community would mean that it was no longer possible … to involve them in any dialogue on questions of value or policies or responsibilities and no longer possible to engage with them in a trusting relationship.” This has very important implications for any political forgiveness process.

The most important reason to consider forgiveness is that people may not recognize an unforgiving attitude is not much different than the moral outlook of dehumanizing evil. We are maintaining the belief in the perpetrator’s inferior nature, just as the perpetrator holds on to the belief of inferiority towards their targets. Perpetrators of dehumanizing evil see their victims only as objects of hate and morally inferior. The unforgiving stance views the perpetrator as morally inferior, never to be taken into moral consideration. Perpetrators of dehumanizing evil define the victim by only one aspect of who they are. If the victim for example is a Tutsi during the Rwandan genocide, that alone would determine their intrinsic worth which can never be changed. Holding an unforgiving attitude does the same by objectifying the wrongdoer. What we are now saying is, “I am not inferior, you are.” We are doing the same thing that we are accusing the perpetrator of doing.

Are there implications for what is taking place within the United States today where racism is on the rise, culture wars are being played out and shootings the daily fare? Are we holding whoever we deem as “the other” unforgivable because we see them as inferior, less than us and therefore not deserving of being forgiven? Are we too afraid to come together and address the pain and suffering that all of us feel because of the anger and hate we feel inside?

We need to have forgiveness in politics precisely because there are wrongs suffered that can never be put right. By demonstrating forgiveness on a political level, it opens space for people to unburden themselves, at least partially, from the hold the past has on them, to relate to others in a more productive way and to have a more peaceful future. This is where its power lies and what it means for forgiveness to be political. Forgiveness is not easy. Political forgiveness is not easy either. It is a complex undertaking and the process must be crafted to the specific situation it is intended to address. If a political forgiveness process is to be successful it must work for, and with, the local community it intends to help. There are no one-size fits all processes. As we have seen so often, around the world, processes that include elements of political forgiveness instituted by outside forces, and not led by local society, often fail, and end up right back where they started. This kind of approach does not create a lasting sustainable peace. Consultation, inclusion, and understanding are key elements in any political forgiveness process. When done with these elements in mind a profound healing can take place and conflict can be transformed.

Political Forgiveness 101

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There is so much good work happening in the field of peacebuilding and conflict resolution that goes unnoticed and which is very inspiring. Especially heartwarming are the women peace makers who bring to the mix compassion, understanding and nurturance. With all the division and “us versus them” mentality, to heal these divisions and transform conflict we need to change our mindsets. This is where political forgiveness can come into play.

Political forgiveness not only includes individual forgiveness, but broadens the concept of forgiveness to the political arena. In a sense it can be seen as a secular version of what can be viewed as more religious or spiritual on an individual level and is about healing, not only individually, but on a community and national level as well.

The question becomes “are we ready for this?” Are we at a place where we are willing to let go of our need to be right, for the sake of others, and to really listen and hear one another, especially behind what is being said? There is so much fear that we are feeling. Fear of not having a place in society or fear of losing our place, or that we feel we do not matter. There is fear of losing control or not having control and the list goes on.

When we allow ourselves to engage in a political forgiveness process, we begin with the understanding that we want to come together and finally listen to one another. We are willing to acknowledge our part in whatever situation has been causing conflict, take responsibility for it, and work together in a healing capacity. There are many steps to a political forgiveness process, and in order to engage it begins with changing mindsets — a difficult process for some and a process which can be quite profound for others.

In transforming conflict, a political forgiveness process is necessary. Forgiveness on any level requires an inner shift within our beings. In an address to a joint session of the United States Congress in 1990, the former president of the Czech Republic, Vaclav Havel, said that “without a global revolution in the sphere of human consciousness, a more humane society will not emerge.” Stopping the cycles of anger, hatred, and fear which fuel so much suffering, requires a radical change in our thinking. Without this change we will stay stuck in the quagmire of violence and aggression, passing down to each generation the legacy of violence and guilt which will only perpetuate these cycles. If, on the other hand, we are honestly committed to transforming consciousness, then we will recognize that the true heroes are those individuals who are not afraid to look within, to change the way they think, and heal the pain of their heart. This kind of healing transformation is what forgiveness is about.

Healing ourselves, our communities and our nations is not easy work, but it is necessary if we want to live more peacefully with one another. The gift is that when we have the courage to do things differently and make changes within ourselves, our lives become richer, fuller and more meaningful. When we can listen to one another and help alleviate someone else’s fear by our compassion and understanding, we are creating more peaceful societies and a more peaceful world.

Forgiveness: Breaking the Cycle of Hate

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In Aftermath of 2015 Terror Attacks on France, Voices of Forgiveness Began to Heal the Divide.

Horrific events are shocking, leaving in their aftermath pain and suffering. This was certainly true on November 13, 2015, when multiple sites in Paris were attacked by a 10-man unit of Islamic State terrorists in the deadliest peacetime attack on French soil. One of the sites hit was the Bataclan concert hall, as reported in an article by The Guardian’s Angelique Chrisafis. Three young gunmen entered the hall, killing 90 people who were attending a concert by the Eagles of Death Metal. The terrorists took some hostages, but a little after midnight when security forces stormed the hall, the terrorists detonated their own suicide belts.

On that horrific night, Georges Salines lost his 28-year-old daughter, Lola. Later he testified about his loss at what was widely considered the greatest criminal trial ever held in France, where hundreds of people who survived also shared gripping details of their ordeal. In the article, “Paris Attacks Trial to Conclude After 10 Months of Harrowing Testimony,” Salines was quoted as saying “What I felt from the start was the absurdity of these terrorist attacks where young people killed other young people.” And yet, he did not feel hate. During the trial, he listened to the testimony of Sister Danielle who was taken hostage and witnessed a horrific attack on an 86-year-old priest, Father Hamel, who was forced to his knees while his attackers slit his throat in Saint-Etienne du Rouvray. When a relative of Father Hamel said: ‘We were so sad, there wasn’t any room left for hate,’ Salinas felt something inside himself that found her words very true. Father Philippe Maheut, vicar general of the Rouen diocese, spoke to The Guardian afterward sharing a very important message: “We have to continue to meet, to know each other, understand each other, support each other. Perhaps the death of this poor man will produce an electroshock and will be such a strong symbol that people will say we have to do something, but we have said that before.” 

In the Guardian article, “Fathers of Forgiveness: The Extraordinary Friendship Formed in the Shadow of the Bataclan,’ Steve Rose reported how the events of that night took on a strange turn, bringing two unlikely men together who, by all accounts, should never have met: Salines who lost his daughter, and the father of one of the attackers who murdered his daughter. Azdyne Amimour, the father of the attacker, only learned of his son’s involvement two days after the attack when interrogating officers went to his home to inform Amimour that his son, Samy, was one of the perpetrators and had been shot dead by French police. Amimour didn’t even know that his son was in the country, no less would do such a thing. When he heard the news, he was shocked, angered, and very distressed, concerned for his son and for what he had done, feeling these emotions all at once. That night became the worst night of both men’s lives filling them with overwhelming pain. Earlier that day Salines had been enjoying a swim with his daughter. Later that night he was desperately hoping that she was still alive. Amimour had no idea that his son was gone forever, or for what reason, ending his life doing something so horrific and difficult for Amimour to comprehend.

It wasn’t until February 27, 2017, at a café in central Paris that Georges Salines and Azdyne Amimour first met, according to Rose. No questions were asked during the first meeting and instead, Amimour gave a long account of his own story and that of his son, who after starting law school slowly became radicalized, disappeared overnight, and resurfaced in Syria, and of Amimour’s own journey to Syria to find his son, only to be met by rejection. Over the course of their relationship, the men weren’t afraid of discussing extraordinarily painful subjects, which at times were very emotionally charged. Yet, despite their disagreements, they listened to one another in a deeply respectful way. Their goal was to have a better understanding of what had happened and why, to better prevent it from happening again. They wanted to heal hate, especially the hate the Islamic State wanted to initiate between the Muslim and non-Muslim world. Salines recognized this vicious circle and felt that reaching out to Amimour was a small attempt to break that cycle and possibly help heal a divide. Amimour felt the same too.

‘I think [forgiveness] can simply mean that you no longer seek revenge.’ — Georges Salines

After the Paris attacks, many rushed to blame the parents of the attackers. However, Salines dared to see things differently. He viewed the parents as fellow victims — especially Amimour. Salines took the time to understand the jihadist history and the psychological landscape that creates a situation that pushes people toward their movement. Salines understood that Amimour could not have prevented his son from going down the path of extremism. Through his willingness to understand, Salines was able to grow in empathy for all those who were suffering because of that tragic evening. He felt that talking with Amimour, a tolerant Muslim, yet father of a jihadist, showed others that it is possible to talk to one another and to take down the walls of mistrust, anger, and hatred which was dividing society. Amimour, too, knowing that people could possibly hate him, understood the pain Salines was feeling and as a gesture of compassion reached out to him.

Over time, Salines realized that forgiveness was the only way to heal the pain and suffering on all sides of the divide, no matter how difficult learning to forgive may be. He understood that it is only possible to forgive when the harm has been done to you directly. You can’t forgive for others — yet, no matter what, you can decide not to seek revenge, which is a great step forward in restoring peace. Since getting to know one another the two men have worked on strategies to prevent something like what happened at Bataclan from happening again by giving talks and workshops, especially with governments, schools, and prisons. Their message is always that of hope, friendship, and forgiveness in the shadow of the darkest night of their lives, the attack on Bataclan.

SOURCES

The Gifts of Forgiveness: A Personal Story

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By Karen Long

NOTE FROM EILEEN: Recently my editor, Karen Long, shared with me a story of forgiveness from her own life, and I asked her to tell it here. With the permission of her son and his father, Karen tells the story of how the three of them created a comfortable and easygoing co-parenting relationship after divorce, through the liberation of forgiveness.

As I was editing chapter two of Eileen’s forthcoming book, Healing Hate in America, I read this passage, “To be free of that anger would be liberating, and that freedom is what we call forgiveness.” I was swept up in gratitude because I’d personally experienced the liberation and healing power of forgiveness.

In 2021 when my son went away to college, both his father and I were there to help him move in. Darryl and I had separated in 2007 when Kellen was five, and yet, here we all were together, carrying boxes, bags, backpacks and Kellen’s monstera plant up to his new dorm room, laughing and joking the whole time without a trace of awkwardness. Afterwards we all went out for lunch, and Kellen posted a picture of the three of us to his Instagram story with the caption, “Moving in featuring my makers.”

It wasn’t always like this. When Darryl and I started the discussions that led to our divorce, I was blindsided — although I shouldn’t have been. While I knew things weren’t good between us, I vaguely figured that things would get better, or eventually we’d work on our issues. But I didn’t have the communication skills to initiate the conversations that needed to happen. The previous year we had moved to Amsterdam for Darryl’s job and, of all the outcomes I envisioned, becoming a single mother was not one of them. Still, we made a commitment to each other to put Kellen’s interests first, as well as our own agreement to practice openness and honesty — both within ourselves and towards each other — something we hadn’t been able to do while married.

When Darryl moved back to Los Angeles, I remained in Amsterdam with Kellen, with the agreement that we’d all talk on Skype once a week on Saturdays. Sitting a five-year-old in front of the webcam every week and facilitating a conversation between him and my estranged husband was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. Many times I was holding back tears while holding it together for Kellen. But all three of showed up every single week, 52 times a year, and bit by bit it became easier. Eventually Kellen and I moved back to my home town of Wichita, Kansas. By that point, at the end of our web chats instead of weeping I’d say to Kellen: “That was a pretty good talk wasn’t it?”

While I’d taken responsibility for my own role in the end of my marriage to Darryl, I knew I also needed to forgive him. But how? The hurt was an inflamed ball in my core eating away at me. With the support of friends, spiritual mentors and various modes of body work over the years I went on to have several major breakthroughs in forgiveness, peeling away the layers like an onion, as so often happens with emotional healing. One of my most important realizations was that forgiveness is a process, with its own ups and down — what’s important is your commitment to it, even when you’re feeling your most resentful and unforgiving.

Over the years, Kellen, Darryl, and I continued our weekly Saturday chats through Kellen’s Boy Scout years, karate belt ceremonies, piano recitals, middle school science fairs, birthdays and holidays. While Darryl and I still had occasional tense moments between ourselves, our Saturday chats became easier and easier, until the vast majority of them were “good conversations.” 

When Kellen was 13, he and I ran up against a stark difference of opinion on which high school he should attend; we called an emergency family meeting and Darryl supported my decision. Kellen went on to have a great high school experience and was accepted into every college he applied to, and I was immensely grateful his dad and I had the kind of relationship where we could work through these life issues together.

I’m not gonna lie: The forgiveness process was painful, especially in the beginning, full of ups and downs and seeming reversals. But I’m proud of all three of us for meeting our individual emotional journeys head on, and for showing up week after week for the Saturday webcam chats — which was the most important thing. At some point the Saturday chats became Sunday chats, and when Kellen was packing to go away to college, he was the one who said, “We’re going to continue our talks when I’m at college right.” It was also his idea for us to watch the entire Star Wars saga together, in chronological order, so we’ve added an hour of Disney Plus GroupWatch to our weekly schedule, and engage in rollicking discussions about the episodes afterwards. Whenever Darryl comes to visit Kellen and his side of the family in Wichita, he also makes a point to get together with me and my side of the family. 

The three of us appreciate the free and supportive family dynamic we’ve cultivated to support Kellen through 15 years of life’s celebrations and crises. Reading Eileen’s chapter, I became overwhelmingly grateful for the liberation of knowing that trend would continue into Kellen’s future: As Kellen goes through grad school applications, career milestones, relationships and possibly starting his own family, Darryl and I will both be there for him in full joy and power. Without tension, without awkwardness, without our own drama distracting from Kellen.

And the forgiveness arc still brings surprises. Last Christmas Darryl sent Kellen and me a mystery box in Wichita, not to be opened until we got together on Christmas Eve to open our gifts to each other. On the webcam that evening I was startled to find that Darryl had bought all of us matching red-and-black buffalo-print pajamas. And candles. 

“We can all wear our pajamas and light our candles while we open our gifts!” Darryl said. 

This was not a family tradition we’d ever celebrated when we all lived under one roof, nor was it anything I’d ever dreamed of in my wildest forgiveness fantasies. When I committed to the forgiveness journey years ago, I had no idea of the liberation, healing, and empowerment it could bring, bordering on the miraculous.

I’m excited to see where it takes us next.

The Reverend and the Grand Dragon

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February is Black History Month. It is a time of remembrance and celebration, a remembrance of part of our national history that we all may need to learn more about, and a celebration of the wonderful contributions African Americans have given our country. This month gives us an opportunity to reconcile with our past and celebrate the amazing Black Americans who have added so much richness to our country.

While we still are working toward racial justice, there are inspiring stories that shine a light on bravery and perseverance, stories that show when people can begin to question their basic values, we can change and experience and learn new things. The following story about the Echo Theater is a reminder that we can acknowledge and admit wrongs, concede failures, hear people more clearly, and seek forgiveness. When we see injustice, we are obligated to act — and just as a person’s values can change so can a nation.

An Unlikely Friendship

It would seem quite unusual for a former white supremacist Ku Klux Klan member and a Black Pastor to become close friends, but that is exactly what happened in Laurens, South Carolina. This was where Reverend David Kennedy, a Black Pastor, met the Grand Dragon of the local KKK, Michael Burden in 1996.

What was once a historically segregated movie theater, The Echo, became a white supremacist store, the Redneck Shop, which sold white nationalist and neo-Nazi paraphernalia owned by Michael Burden and John Howard. When the Redneck Shop opened in 1996, Reverend Kennedy fought continuously to have it closed and protested relentlessly outside, risking his life to stand up against hatred. Throughout the time of the shop’s existence, the building became the self-proclaimed “World’s Only Klan Museum” and the meeting spot for several white nationalist groups, including the National Socialist Movement (NSM), the largest neo-Nazi organization in the country, according to the Anti-Defamation League (CNN, 2021). When Kennedy stood up and fought against the store, he became a target for the KKK, putting his life, and the lives of those close to him, in jeopardy.

Opening the store was Burden’s idea, but he soon fell out with John Howard, and he and his family were struggling to get by. When Burden met his wife, he began questioning his affiliation with the KKK and his beliefs; he joined because he felt isolated and alone, and felt he had found a collective to belong to. Burden and his family had lived in the basement of the store at one time, but following the falling out with Howard they had nowhere to go. It was then that Reverend Kennedy extended a helping hand to Burden and his family, fed them, and aided them in finding housing.

Despite all that had gone before, Reverend Kennedy saw someone who needed help and was not found wanting (Greenville News, 2020). Burden sold his share of ownership in the shop to Kennedy in 1997 and turned over the building deed. Following a protracted legal battle Reverend Kennedy and his church were deemed to own the building although there was a legal stipulation attached which meant Howard could continue running the store rent-free until his death (Washington Post, 2021). Reverend Kennedy’s battle to have the store closed continued and the Redneck Shop was finally forced to close sixteen years after it had opened, by court order, in 2012.

How could a Black Pastor have even contemplated helping a member of the KKK? Reverend Kennedy realized the courage it took for Burden to ask for help, particularly from him. Reverend Kennedy’s feelings toward Burden changed and he saw a man who was trying to help his wife and family, rather than seeing him as a KKK member who felt he should not exist. The selfless gesture of goodwill to someone who had only wished him ill previously began to sow the seeds of an unlikely friendship, one which is now 25 years old. If Reverend Kennedy and Burden could come together and form this friendship, nothing is impossible.

In 2012, following the court order, Reverend Kennedy and his church took full possession of the building. Rather than destroy its contents, many of the artifacts were saved to be used to engage in meaningful conversations about racial history and to attempt to tackle the difficult questions which resulted. In 2018, Regan Freeman, a local historian started researching what took place at the Redneck Shop, uncovering records and digging into the archives of the past 20 years. Eventually, he discovered posters of Hitler and other paraphernalia such as a KKK’s business card designed to scare Black families with a warning not to make the next visit a business call. Freeman also discovered that the Redneck Shop was a recruitment center of the American Nazi Party promoting evil and hate.

In 2019, Reverend Kennedy partnered with Freeman to establish The Echo Foundation. Under the foundation, The Echo Theater is now being restored and plans are underway to transform The Echo Theater and Redneck Shop into a museum of remembrance and reconciliation. The museum will tell the story of what happened in Laurens, including its struggle for justice and its fight against the Ku Klux Klan. What was once a segregated movie theater, and a store glorifying the KKK, is now becoming a center for social justice, healing, and reconciliation. It will display what Freeman uncovered and be a place where people can gather and engage with one another. What was once a base of hate is being transformed into a center that supports diversity and a place for every race and religion to congregate.

As for Burden, who joined the KKK believing no one loved him and thinking that they would become his family, he realized that he did not want to be a hateful evil person like the rest of the KKK. Burden hopes people will learn from the mistakes that he made and not choose to hate to belong. He also realized that it will be us, the people, who are going to make changes in this world, not the politicians (Washington Post, 2021).

As Reverend Kennedy once said, “You have to stand up for what is right regardless of what the consequences are, how long it takes, or who stands in your way … we are warriors, full of love and full of forgiveness, but we will always fight, even if it means dying for our communities” (CNN, 2021).  Now, many years later, both Reverend Kennedy and Burden stand in the light of grace, Reverend Kennedy knowing that he helped turn Burden’s life around and Burden being ever so grateful for it. If this was possible, then anything is possible. We often feel that our country, and the world, are so polarized and divisive that nothing can be done to remedy that. We can, and we must learn to forgive. It is possible to change our course, and it is possible to shun hatred, but we must have the will and humility to do so. The message in this story is inspirational, remembering that the impossible is possible, that love conquers hate, and that the power of forgiveness can transform.

Forgiveness has the capacity to touch many souls. The forgiveness that Reverend Kennedy extended to Burden went far beyond individual forgiveness. It had an impact on the community and society at large. This is what a political forgiveness process can look like. It may start with one individual and with that circumstances can emerge which affect communities and societies alike. As more individuals recognize the power of forgiveness, this kind of work begins to build a foundation that can change mindsets and ultimately build a culture of political forgiveness within our communities and support the healing of this nation.

Unfortunately, we have a terrible stain on our history and what this country was built on. This can be healed, especially if we can engage in a political forgiveness process. It is up to us. Like the story of Reverend Kennedy, Black History Month gives us the opportunity to learn from, as well as celebrate, heroes and cultural icons, and to strive for a more perfect union.

Kindness

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What would happen if we could practice five acts of kindness a day to those we love and to those around us? What would happen if we could develop a mindset of kindness? And what would our society be like if kindness became the norm? Could kindness open the door for a more compassionate and empathic society? 

The holiday season is behind us but its message of hope, peace, love, and joy should always be with us. These states of mind don’t have to stop at the end of the holiday season. This message is important to us throughout the year. During winter’s moments of quiet reflection, let the stillness within us stir our hearts and keep reminding us that our fellow human beings are worthy of being treated with dignity and respect. 

Kindness begins with the awareness that we can’t always know what others are going through, what they are thinking about or struggling with, and that for one short moment, one small act of kindness can soften their struggles and touch their heart. And so, a simple smile, a helping hand, or words of comfort or understanding can mean so much to someone you may not even know, and can have an impact that you may never even be aware of.

The message of love, peace, and kindness is especially important to us now when life feels overwhelming and unpredictable, where politics seems so divisive and where people who were once friends are people we no longer associate with. Kindness can help us grow in compassion and empathy. Developing these qualities begins to build the foundation necessary for a culture of political forgiveness to thrive, a culture that we need to develop if we want to face our challenges in a more productive way. It can only begin with each of us. We can develop the mindset of kindness and extend it to the people we feel close to, which then can spread to the groups we associate with and the communities we are a part of.

Let this new year be a fresh start for ourselves and our nation. Instead of fueling divisiveness and polarization which was so prevalent last year, let kindness guide us in finding the common ground that can unite us. If we can begin to look out for each other and be kinder to one another, this can begin a healing process our country desperately needs, a very special country we are so fortunate to be living in. 

Let the light that shines within us show us the way forward, a light that is of generosity, kindness, compassion, and forgiveness. Let us quiet all the noise that divides us, that pits us against one another, and let the voices of our better angels guide us. And may this new year be the best year for us all.

An Argument for Political Forgiveness

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Acts of violence, division and polarization assume many forms. They may travel through the arc of a guided missile, in the language of an economic policy, or in structural racism that keeps oppression in place. Widespread violence, it is argued, is in fact an expression of the underlying social order. Whether it is carried out by military forces or by patterns of investment, the aim is to strengthen that order for the benefit of the powerful. And yet, humanity has the capacity to make choices based on greater wisdom and spiritual values that inspire humanity to rise to its highest potential and to achieve shared ideals for a better world for all. This is what we can strive for and what it will take if we want to heal this world at a deeper level that can finally break the cycles of violence. This is the work of political forgiveness. 

Political forgiveness lies at the center of peacebuilding, and addresses the multiple and complex challenges societies face. Political forgiveness builds the capacity for resilience and the appropriate environment for non-violent conflict resolution. The more society can forgive and commit to stopping violence completely, the higher the likelihood of compromise and non-violent reconciliation of grievances. Where there is a strong political forgiveness process, beneficial societal outcomes are more likely to be achieved. The cost of conflict is far greater than the cost of peace, not just in obvious human terms, but also in economic terms. Political forgiveness can bring about prosperity and economic growth; it should be the first resort, not the last. If for no other reason, political forgiveness is a very pragmatic policy to pursue.

Humanity is now facing complex challenges unparalleled in its history. Without peace, it will be impossible to face these challenges and build the necessary trust, cooperation, and inclusiveness that is required to deal with the issues facing humanity. For this reason, there needs to be a fundamental shift in our thinking, a new way of thinking which brings us down the path to peace. Political forgiveness is necessary, not just to address these challenges, but also to empower the national and international institutions supporting civil society. Political forgiveness is the essential prerequisite for the survival of humanity as we know it in the 21st century. It shines a light on the direction that a country needs to evolve. It provides a framework for understanding the intersection of the individual with the community and the nation. Understanding these interdependencies is essential to building a peaceful and more productive society and healing from the conflict and war of the past. This is what societies can aspire to, as political forgiveness is a powerful force for healing and rebuilding, creating an environment in which humanity can flourish. 

If you are trying to fight for social justice as a result of the painful history of the United States and have not healed your own emotional burdens, you can easily play into the victim/perpetrator cycle, unable to lead people into a new space where something else can be born. Everything starts with a personal discovery that takes time and a willingness to look within oneself. Healing isn’t something that just happens. It is a journey and takes a commitment to stay on that path, knowing that sometimes you will have to live with your pain and your wounds. 

Mourning too is a part of the healing process. We need to learn how to mourn the loss of what we wish could have been, and for each group that is going to be different. This is part of the forgiveness process. Once we can mourn the loss we can begin to empathize with the “other” and walk in their shoes. In coming out of denial we become more truthful with ourselves, and by facing the truth we become empowered. This is how we combat the “lost cause” mythology—not just by talking to each other but by telling the truth.

People should not diminish what a healing process such as political forgiveness can do.  We need to be humble, listen to one another deeply, hear each others’ experiences and the impact they have had, and make a commitment that these painful experiences will not happen again. This will require deep inner work on all our parts—but this kind of commitment to one another can lead to a very profound transformation. Yet when you compare this process to the anger and fear and hate that people have held within themselves for a very long time, the pain that is involved in any healing process is something that we should not be afraid of. We can reach deep for courage and recognize that, in doing this work, we are now building our society on the foundation of compassion and understanding. This leads to healing our national trauma and, in the process, we learn to forgive ourselves for holding anger and hatred of the “other.” In learning how to forgive ourselves we can then forgive the “other.” This is what will bring us back together again as a country.