Don’t Want Surgery? Practice Forgiveness.

Stress is not “all in your head.” Emotional states like anxiety and anger are whole-body experiences that can intensify pain, hinder coping, and complicate chronic illness. Recently, I spoke with David Hanscom, MD, an orthopedic surgeon who performed complex spine surgeries for thirty-two years. But everything changed when his own health began to fail. After developing 17 debilitating physical ailments, David was visibly suffering, hitting rock bottom health-wise, which forced him to find out why this was happening to him. Doing some deep soul searching, he recognized that he was totally out of touch with his emotional life, specifically his repressed anger. When he finally recognized the importance of facing his anger, it became the pivotal turning point in his remarkable recovery.

Physical Alarm Signals and Threat Physiology

As David began researching the effects of chronic stress, he realized that repressed emotions are often more physically damaging than expressed ones. Unresolved psychological pain locks our nervous system into a state of what he calls “threat physiology.” He learned that anxiety and anger are not merely psychological issues; they are physical alarm signals going off because the body senses danger. The anatomy of unresolved anger explains how threat physiology, activated by stress or emotional injury, triggers survival responses like fight-or-flight. Unresolved anger is also a by-product of unforgiveness, which got David thinking about the possibilities that forgiveness could offer in healing the mind and the body. The pieces of what was happening were beginning to fit together. Because the central nervous system is a key driver of chronic pain fueled by repressed emotions, David realized that unless this underlying physiological threat is addressed, surgeries are seldom successful. In fact, he concluded that many spine surgeries being performed today are unnecessary.

It took a lot of integrity to step back from his medical practice, but he could not ignore what his personal experience taught him. This led to the development of a self-directed healing approach he called the DOC (Direct Your Own Care) Journey, grounded in the idea that true healing requires attention to both mind and body. Fundamental to this thinking is the science of neuroplasticity, the brain’s ability to constantly rewire itself in response to our experiences and thoughts. When we are continually angry, our brains literally wire together to remain in a state of heightened threat and pain.

Forgiveness: Flipping the Switch to the Body’s Alarm System

Neuroplasticity, which tells us “neurons that fire together wire together,” can also be said to be true with forgiveness, and this is where forgiveness becomes a profound medical intervention. When we understand this, forgiveness is not merely a moral virtue but a practical tool for rewiring the brain. When we ruminate on our “grievance stories,” we reinforce the neural circuits of stress. But by actively practicing forgiveness and consciously changing the channel in our thoughts, we stop feeding those threat pathways and start creating new ones by redirecting them. Forgiveness acts as the ultimate signal to the nervous system that the danger has passed, turning off the body’s alarm system so that deep physical healing can finally begin.

Neuroscience backs up what David discovered through his own healing. When we hold onto anger, that emotion is registered in the amygdala—the brain’s emotional center—keeping the body locked in threat physiology. But research also shows that when we actively practice forgiveness, the brain’s frontal cortex steps in, quieting emotional responses and physically relaxing the body. Even more remarkably, recent brain imaging studies suggest that forgiveness doesn’t suppress painful memories: it updates them, making the memory itself feel less emotionally charged over time.

Facing Anger on the Path to Recovery and Forgiveness

This was David’s lived experience. As he worked on his own process of forgiveness, he, too, experienced healing. David realized that he had repressed a lot of his emotions growing up—especially anger—and as he walked down his own path to recovery, he finally got in touch with the anger he’d been avoiding. Facing his anger became one of the most profound outcomes of his healing process. This actually helped him to forgive his own mother, who he finally acknowledged was very abusive, and in the process found compassion for her, recognizing she was suffering too. It was this work that helped him shift from what he called “an angry zealot to more of a compassionate crusader,” fueling the desire that led him to leave surgery behind and help thousands of chronic pain patients instead.

Healing has its own way of bringing us many gifts if we are open to them. David realized forgiveness has the power to help with one of the most difficult aspects of our healing process: calming our nervous system. He understood that, as part of the forgiveness process, we learn to change our mindset, which in turn helps us let go of our personal emotional burden. This becomes a critical factor in calming not only our minds but also our bodies. His method follows a process that, in many respects, parallels the process of forgiveness. In learning to forgive, we have to first get in touch with what we are feeling. We have to own it and, in the process, learn how to calm ourselves down. David speaks of separating ourselves from old programming. Changing the channel, changing our mindset, is what the forgiveness process can bring to the table, which leads us to the most important step of letting go of our grievances to help our bodies return to balance and a healthy homeostasis.

To hear David Hanscom’s story in his own words, check out my latest podcast episode, He Broke Free From Chronic Pain. Subscribe to Voices of Peace: Personal Forgiveness on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Breaking the Silence: Childhood Sexual Abuse and Forgiveness

When Andy Woodward showed remarkable talent for football as a boy, it brought him to the attention of the coach who sexually abused him for years. After bottling up his emotions and suffering panic attacks on the football pitch, Andy made the extraordinary journey from silence to speaking out on a public stage. How did he find the courage to confront a powerful coach and a prominent football organization in the UK? In this podcast Andy talks about transforming pain through the practice of forgiveness.

Andy Woodward

Andy Woodward blew the whistle on the sexual abuse of junior players in British football in 2016. His story helped spark a global conversation about the misuse of authority and trust in sports, and gave a voice to countless survivors who needed to be heard. Through his book Position of Trust and the BBC drama Floodlights, Andy is inspiring people worldwide with the message that healing is possible and each of us can help create a safer future.

Learn more about Andy

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Andy’s book: “Position of Trust

BBC drama: “Floodlights

Dr. Fred Luskin

Dr. Fred Luskin is the director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects. He’s also the author of the bestselling books, Forgive for Good and Forgive for Love. Forgive for Good is the best-selling self-help book published on the topic of forgiveness. Fred has been interviewed hundreds of times in worldwide media, including The New York Times, O Magazine, the Los Angeles Times, Time Magazine, Huffington Post, and he has been featured on the Today Show and CBS Morning News. Learn more at fredluskin.com.

Dr. Eileen Borris

Dr. Eileen Borris is a clinical and political psychologist who has pioneered the concept of political forgiveness on the individual, community and national level. She has addressed the United Nations and has worked for over 30 years to build peace in areas of conflict around the world, including Rwanda, South Africa, Liberia, Nigeria, Ethiopia, and the Middle East. Eileen is the author of Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness and the creator of Healing the Divide, a program that trains leaders and other individuals interested in applying the principles of political forgiveness to transform their lives and create social change.

Be Part of Eileen’s Community

Subscribe to Political Forgiveness: Voices of Peace podcast on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Subscribe to Political Forgiveness newsletter at drborris.com or on LinkedIn.

Eileen’s book: Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness

Timestamps

00:00 Heart of Peace

00:15 Meet Andy Woodward

01:58 Football Dream Turns Dark

03:30 Trapped in Systemic Abuse

06:08 Aftermath and Breaking Silence

10:02 From Exposure to Forgiveness

13:13 Spirituality and Purpose

22:10 Energy Balance Practices

25:38 Final Takeaways and Closing

Borderline Mothers, Abusive Fathers. How Do Daughters Survive?

A mother is the anchor of her child’s life. By acting as a role model and providing a solid base of support, she nurtures and helps her children grow from total dependence to beautifully independent adults. But what if your mother has a borderline personality disorder? What if she rages out of control and catches you in a sea of emotion? Then the dance begins. You want the closeness, and she pushes you away. She then draws you in, and at times you cannot break away. So much drama, so much trauma, and so much forgiveness needed.

Borderline Mothers and Parva’s Story

It is a difficult thing to carry the belief that, at times, your mother hated you and took those feelings with her to her grave. This was Parva Moshiri’s story. As a child, how can you take responsibility for a mother? How can you heal and forgive a mother when you realize you don’t have a mother? It is particularly difficult to forgive a parent who wasn’t able to parent and is so capable of being cruel. Yet despite her mother’s behavior, Parva was her caretaker in later years.

In Parva’s case, she never entertained the thought of forgiveness. But when the idea finally entered her mind, Parva began to think about how she would feel if she could forgive and let go. Could this emotional burden that she was carrying ever be lifted? Then one evening, Parva was sitting in her backyard when, for no reason, she began thinking about the good side of her mother. She realized that her mother wasn’t all bad and that she really did love her and took care of her the best way she knew how. She also realized that she herself turned out okay. When her perspective changed, she was able to forgive.

Wow! When we understand what forgiveness really means, that it is a choice we make, and that we can “change the channel” and see things differently, we can begin to release our emotional pain. Are we going to focus on the woundedness of that person, or are we going to see it more fully, recognize that there was goodness as well, and let that goodness stay with us? This is what Parva did.

Abusive Fathers and Judith’s story

Like Borderline mothers, toxic fathers can leave a long-term emotional and psychological impact through their consistently harmful and abusive behavior. This was Judith’s story. While she can now talk about her father with love in her heart, that wasn’t always the case. She grew up in a dysfunctional family with a father who was dominant and aggressive most of the time. Judith was never allowed to have emotions, and if any feelings slipped out, her father became angry, so her feelings were tucked away.

Judith’s mother felt so ashamed and depressed that she attempted to take her own life—but luckily, Judith was there to talk her out of it. At that time roles were reversed, and Judith became the caregiver for her mother, while also dealing with an absent father and caring for her younger siblings. The fighting in the house got so bad that Judith could only sleep with her headset on, listening to the heavy metal band Metallica as loud as she could. Things were so bad that she found the music calming!

When Judith was 25, her mother passed away after a long illness. Two years later Judith moved to Buenos Aires, and, although she didn’t speak the language yet, she needed to move away from the family drama. Finally having some time for herself, she began to experience anger within, the anger she had repressed for so many years. She tried to run it off, literally, starting with 5K runs, then 10K, 21K, and finally an entire marathon, but even at that finish line, she was still angry.

Judith realized that she finally had to face her anger and began asking herself questions. “Did I really think my father had bad intentions?” Her ego’s answer was, “Yes, of course, because otherwise, why would he have done this?” But then she lingered with the question a few days longer and had to admit to herself, “Nah, I don’t really think so, right?” He did the same thing with anybody else in the environment. Her father chased away everybody who loved him. So no, it wasn’t personal.

It took years, but at the moment when Judith felt like she had forgiven him, her mother showed up in a dream. She didn’t say anything, but her smile was saying everything, like, “It’s okay, Judith. I’m fine. I’m good. You can now let it go.”

The relationship with Judith’s father never became easy, because he didn’t change—but Judith did. She set clear boundaries to protect herself, and when new incidents would happen, Judith was able to forgive more quickly. At the end of her father’s life, Judith chose to take care of him, being true to herself in wanting to show him love before his passing.

From Failed Survival Strategies to Shared Humanity

These beautiful stories illustrate a pattern that seems to emerge with people. When we get angry, we sometimes deny the anger or run away from it. Unfortunately that trauma stays with you until you finally get to a point of saying, “Hey, it’s not going anywhere and I’m tired of this. Enough is enough. There has to be a better way.” This becomes that turning point for so many people.

Another issue is that we feel our hurt is something unique and special. We don’t recognize just how much suffering there is everywhere, and we exaggerate our own and minimize everyone else’s so we can stay stuck. And that is one of the biggest obstacles: we keep on telling this self-pitying, self-centered story over and over again, and we can keep it going for years and decades until something happens to shift the story.

This was so true for Judith. And at the same she felt the opposite: For years she minimized her own situation, hurt and suffering, since it was her “normal.” She saw everyone else’s hurt as way more serious. It took her years to see and admit that what happened wasn’t okay.

It is so easy to stay stuck in the victim role. We think, “I’m the innocent one here, you’re to blame.” Believing that we are innocent and morally superior is a major obstacle to our healing until we realize, no, we’re not so innocent either; we’re human; we make mistakes. Once we begin to acknowledge our humanness, we can begin to see that in other people, too.

What was most touching about these stories was how both Parva and Judith chose to take care of their parents in spite of their hurtful parenting. Both women held onto their humanity, what it means to be deeply human. Their actions were remarkable. The lesson is that you can be a very loving human being and still set appropriate boundaries. This kind of message is what can help heal this world. This is also at the heart of forgiveness. On the other side of forgiveness is peace and freedom—and when people get to the other side, that’s when they can look back and say, “My goodness, this journey was really worth it.”

To hear Parva and Judith’s story in their own words, check out my latest podcast episode, Healing Dysfunctional Families Through Compassion and Forgiveness. Subscribe to Voices of Peace: Personal Forgiveness on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Healing Dysfunctional Families Through Compassion and Forgiveness

In this moving and ultimately beautiful epsiode, two guests share intimate stories about growing up in dysfunctional families shaped by the emotional volatility of one parent — and the journey toward healing and forgiveness.

Parva Moshiri grew up with an unpredictable mother whose periodic tantrums and rages would ignite conflict and fear. As a child, Parva became the family’s mediator. As an adult, she became a caretaker for both parents and eventually a therapist herself. In this episode, Eileen and Fred work directly with Parva to help her take the first steps in her own forgiveness process.

Judith Janssen was raised by a father whose anger and dominance overshadowed family life, while her mother’s despair became so overwhelming that she attempted suicide when Judith was 11 years old. Judith would crank up Metallica in her headphones as a teenager to drown out the sound of their fighting. Over time, however, she discovered something unexpected: compassion for the father who had wounded her. Today, she looks back on her story with gratitude for the wisdom and resilience that helped shape her into the coach and facilitator she has become.

This episode offers a powerful reminder that forgiveness does not excuse harmful behavior. Rather, it can help us release old burdens, reclaim our own lives and find meaning even in the most difficult family histories.

Judith Janssen

Judith Janssen is an experienced trauma-informed coach and facilitator specializing in leadership development and forgiveness. Based on her own life journey, she built a business in 2009 called U-turn Coaching & Personal Development, including a profound forgiveness training called Letting Shit Go. Her focus is on helping people to overcome trauma, learn how to forgive, and treat themselves with love, kindness, and self-compassion. Connect with Judith at u-turncoaching.com.

Parva Moshiri

Parva Moshiri was born in Tehran and eventually moved to the United States to continue her education after completing high school in London. She has a master’s degree in education and psychology, has worked at the Department of Child and Family Services, and has had a private therapy practice.

Dr. Fred Luskin

Dr. Fred Luskin is the director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects. He’s also the author of the bestselling books, Forgive for Good and Forgive for Love. Forgive for Good is the best-selling self-help book published on the topic of forgiveness. Fred has been interviewed hundreds of times in worldwide media, including The New York Times, O Magazine, the Los Angeles Times, Time Magazine, Huffington Post, and he has been featured on the Today Show and CBS Morning News. Learn more at fredluskin.com.

Dr. Eileen Borris

Dr. Eileen Borris is a clinical and political psychologist who has pioneered the concept of political forgiveness on the individual, community and national level. She has addressed the United Nations and has worked for over 30 years to build peace in areas of conflict around the world, including Rwanda, South Africa, Liberia, Nigeria, Ethiopia, and the Middle East. Eileen is the author of Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness and the creator of Healing the Divide, a program that trains leaders and other individuals interested in applying the principles of political forgiveness to transform their lives and create social change.

Be Part of Eileen’s Community

Subscribe to Political Forgiveness: Voices of Peace podcast on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Subscribe to Political Forgiveness newsletter at drborris.com or on LinkedIn.

Eileen’s book: Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness

Timestamps

00:00 Stuck But Shifting Perspective

00:19 Welcome And Meet The Guests

03:13 Parva Childhood With Rage

05:59 Boundaries And Mother’s Death

08:05 What Forgiveness Means Now

10:07 Judith Dysfunctional Childhood

11:34 Caregiver Role And Loss

14:25 Escape To Buenos Aires

15:26 Anger Marathon Turning Point

16:30 Reframing And Forgiving Dad

18:40 Boundaries After Forgiveness

19:49 Patterns Victim To Hero

23:29 Victimhood And Moral Superiority

26:24 Repression And Self Forgiveness

29:08 Superpower Of Caring Love

31:09 Final Takeaways And Closing

Forgiveness as the Doorway to Love

“Your task is not to seek love, but merely to find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” —Rumi

How many of us have blocked off receiving love because of a need to protect ourselves? This is the theme of Lisa Angelini’s story of forgiveness, shared in this month’s podcast. Lisa had gone through a contentious divorce years ago and, more recently, an unexpected abandonment. As a result of these experiences, Lisa began to realize that she had not only blocked herself off from receiving romantic love but also blocked connections with others because of a need to protect herself from being hurt. Lisa also had an issue with trust—not only with other people but also with herself.

Insights From a Friend

After her divorce, Lisa was sitting with a friend when her friend said, “I don’t know who you are.” Lisa thought at the time that she was an open book: “Just the Italian girl from New York with a big personality.”

Her friend saw things differently: Thinking that you are open with a big personality is very different from being truly authentic and open-hearted. “Lisa, you have so many walls up, brick walls, big, big brick walls with barbed wire,” said her friend. “You have to let someone in.” The last thing Lisa wanted to hear from someone, especially when dealing with a painful moment in her life, is that maybe she should look at things differently. Yet, this is where her journey of forgiveness began. It was a journey that took some time and unfolded in many ways.

A Tale of Two Grandmothers

Growing up, Lisa—like many of us—didn’t have much modeling for forgiveness, but she certainly had modeling for what it looks like when there was unforgiveness. It was her fiery grandmother who first influenced the way she thought about forgiveness. When that grandmother divorced unexpectedly, she held onto resentment for a very long time, continually spewing negativity about her ex. For Lisa, that fire looked very powerful. This pants-wearing, go-get-’em grandmother felt good to Lisa. And that is who Lisa wanted to emulate. She didn’t know what true forgiveness looked like.

It was only when she started working through her own process that Lisa realized she didn’t want to hear any negativity, especially about her ex. She wanted to learn how to let go. She told others, “I’m healing. That’s the father of my children, and I’m going to leave it there as I work through this. That’s not helpful. People think it’s supportive to keep that energy going and add the fuel to the fire.” But for Lisa, it was a constant reminder of all the things and all the hurt that she no longer wanted to be connected to. Only now does Lisa recognize that her other grandmother, a sweet, forgiving, and spiritual woman, was a great teacher—though at the time she saw her kindness and ability to forgive as weakness rather than a source of power.

Yet Another Opportunity to Forgive

Forgiveness isn’t about one-and-done. Life brings on many opportunities for forgiveness, and for Lisa, more was yet to come. She entered into a relationship that suddenly took a hard left and turned her life upside down. It started out as a beautiful soul-connected relationship. Lisa’s spiritual home was Scotland, where he happened to live, and as things progressed over a couple of years, Lisa thought she would live there. And then it suddenly fell apart, seemingly in the snap of a finger.

Lisa didn’t know she’d get to practice forgiveness over and over again through life. She just thought you mastered it once, and that’s it. No, not so. Lisa was in shock, dealing with themes of betrayal and dishonesty. First, she wanted to make sense of things and rationally figure out what she missed—but there was no escaping the “messy middle,” the point in a forgiveness process where we acknowledge the emotional mess we find ourselves in.

Lisa expected that her spiritual practice, therapy and training would protect her from life, only to recognize that it was a form of defensiveness, a weapon against herself. Lisa knew forgiveness takes time, but she considered herself spiritually advanced, so she could get through this quickly. Surprise, surprise, that wasn’t the case. Lisa first denied that she was angry, but with help from a mentor over a three-day process, the anger began to erupt, uncovering the painful grief and all the emotional layers she needed to engage with to arrive at true forgiveness. When we’re honest with ourselves and work through all these layers, that’s where forgiveness isn’t just a pragmatic experience of letting go: It can become transformational. When we get to the point where we truly wish the other person well, we become free. And inside Lisa’s head, when she finally forgave this man, her mind became quieter, calmer, and more peaceful with much less thought.

Gems of Forgiveness

Perhaps learning to forgive is part of our life’s path. All of us have these experiences, and if we can learn from them, we may get a deeper sense of who we are and perhaps how we can really help others. As Nietzsche once said, “Amor fati.” Love your fate. None of us wants to go through painful experiences, yet if you can stick with the forgiveness process and get to the other side, you might just look back and realize there was a gem there.

For everyone, that gem will be different. It might be a deeper connection with your soul, that creative force outside us that can bring greater clarity and wisdom to our lives. You may learn to trust more and be more open to life. You may have a change of outlook, which helps you see people differently and more compassionately, especially for those who are going through similar struggles. And perhaps we grow in humility, accepting that we are human beings, and recognize there are things we’re all going to struggle with and that people do shocking things. If people could have done better, they would have, and when we can recognize that and accept it, we are given the greatest gift of all: learning about unconditional love. And that’s true peace.

To hear Lisa Angelini’s story in her own words, check out my latest podcast episode, “A Sudden Disorienting Heartbreak: Lisa Angelini.” Subscribe to Voices of Peace: Personal Forgiveness on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Biology, Brains, and the Business of Forgiveness

Tim Phillips has witnessed firsthand how forgiveness reshapes lives—whether in high-stakes negotiations that ended apartheid and sectarian violence, or in the emerging science that shows forgiveness can literally rewire the brain.

As a leader who has supported reconciliation processes from South Africa to Northern Ireland, Tim shares wisdom from figures like Desmond Tutu alongside insights from neuroscience and trauma research. He reminds us that forgiveness is not only a liberating personal choice but also a biological necessity: By understanding ourselves better, we begin to understand others — even our oppressors. Leadership, brain plasticity, and extraordinary stories of reconciliation all come alive in this wide-ranging conversation.

Tim Phillips

Tim Phillips is the founder and CEO of Beyond Conflict, a nonprofit organization that works with leaders to address conflict and promote social change in the United States and abroad. Tim has led efforts to catalyze the peace and reconciliation processes in several nations, including Northern Ireland, El Salvador, and South Africa, and has advised the United Nations, the US Department of State and the Council of Europe. Building on this body of experience, Beyond Conflict has partnered with cognitive and behavioral scientists to generate insights at the intersection of behavioral sciences and real world experience.

Where to Find Tim Phillips

LinkedIn: Timothy Phillips

Website: https://beyondconflictint.org

Dr. Eileen Borris

Dr. Eileen Borris is a clinical and political psychologist who has pioneered the concept of political forgiveness on the individual, community and national level. She has addressed the United Nations and has worked for over 30 years to build peace in areas of conflict around the world, including Rwanda, South Africa, Liberia, Nigeria, Ethiopia, and the Middle East. Eileen is the author of Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness and the creator of Healing the Divide, a program that trains leaders and other individuals interested in applying the principles of political forgiveness to transform their lives and create social change.

Be Part of Eileen’s Community

Subscribe to Political Forgiveness: Voices of Peace podcast on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Subscribe to Political Forgiveness newsletter at drborris.com or on LinkedIn.

Eileen’s book: Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness

Timecodes

00:00  Introduction to Political Forgiveness

00:27  Meet Tim Phillips: Founder of Beyond Conflict

01:11  Exploring Post-Communist Europe

04:07  The Legacy of Apartheid in South Africa

08:36  The Miami Show Band Massacre

14:17  The Neuroscience of Forgiveness

20:58  Political Forgiveness in the Modern World

33:17  Final Thoughts and Reflections

To Forgive or Not to Forgive: That Is the Question

Anger, grievances, vengeance — we can’t stop hearing about how people are feeling, especially the pain that swirls around us. After a while we begin to feel so emotionally drained that it’s exhausting. Perhaps we’re hearing the barrage of negativity from others, or are holding on tightly to our own grievances. Whatever it is, the emotional undertow is dragging us down.

Perhaps we need to forgive. What? Are you kidding? This may be the dialogue spinning around in your head. But before you try to find the exit door, you may want to stop and think about this for a moment: There are benefits to what many of us find so hard to do. First, we must understand what forgiveness is not and is.

What Forgiveness Is Not

Forgiveness is not about forgetting. When painful events happen to us it is unrealistic to think we can just forget about it. What does happen when we are able to forgive is that we don’t dwell on what has happened and are able to control how we feel about the situation.

Forgiveness also doesn’t mean that you let someone off the hook. People need to be held accountable for their actions. What forgiveness enables us to do is to let go of our emotional pain. Forgiveness is an inner process not an outward action, and this is why just because you can forgive it doesn’t mean that you need to reconcile. Forgiveness is about what is taking place inside of you. Reconciliation involves another person and engaging in building trust. There are times when it’s very possible, and maybe even wise, to forgive someone but not reconcile.

Unfortunately, people often associate forgiveness with weakness. Truth be told, many people are afraid to look within themselves and muster the emotional maturity to change their mindsets about someone else. It is easier for us to attack and blame rather than try to understand what happened and why. For many it is anxiety producing to delve within our own being—something many of us avoid.

Forgiveness is not something that happens quickly, nor is it usually a one-time event. It is an inner process that takes time. Our emotions need to be worked through for us to see a situation differently. Looking within ourselves and being honest with ourselves takes time and courage.

When we are unable to forgive, we are usually holding on to a grievance story, a story someone tells over and over again of being wronged. Grievance causes suffering; the more you focus on your grievance the stronger they become. People begin to ruminate over them, giving power over the grievance. As you continue to replay the incident in your head, what happened in the past only gets uglier. Over time, holding on to grievance can affect your mood, your relationships and your health. But there is a surprising countermeasure to grievance: forgiveness.

What Forgiveness Is

So, what is forgiveness? Forgiveness is a cognitive and emotional process that lessens anger and grievance, the desire for revenge, and helps stop rumination. It is decision, a choice not to see the world through the lens of anger and bitterness, but through a greater understanding. It is choosing to let go of negative emotions toward someone who has harmed you. In so doing, you are taking back control of your emotional well-being and choosing not to be a victim twice over. Forgiveness helps you develop greater awareness, greater insight and better judgment. It gets you out of the past which you cannot change and helps create a new healing narrative, developing a new perspective and a chance for inner peace.

Forgiveness is powerful. It is transformative. What makes that so is our willingness to look within ourselves. And this is what also makes forgiveness frightening. It can bring up feelings of vulnerability and have us question who we truly are, possibly even getting to the core of our identity. Forgiveness arises both from within us and outside the place of hurt. It necessitates a degree of openness and the ability to reach out, beyond ourselves to others, even when we would rather resist engaging with the person who has hurt us. This is what frightens us and, at the same time, this is where forgiveness can be most transformative. Our inward journey that is so necessary, is what enables us to see the humanity of those responsible for our wounding, and when we forgive them, we are sanctioning them back into the world of our common humanity.

Science Confirms the Healing Power of Forgiveness

If for no other reason, to be willing to forgive is very pragmatic. There have been numerous scientific studies which have highlighted the healing power of forgiveness. These studies focusing on forgiveness training have shown a reduction in stress, depression, anxiety, and anger, and an increase in hopefulness, spiritual connection, better relationships and mental and physical well-being. Learning to forgive can have a healing effect on such illnesses as cardiovascular disease and cancer. Preliminary studies from research in allied fields such as psychology, medicine, and religion show that feeling more positive emotions such as gratitude, faith, and care have a positive impact on cardiovascular function.

Neuroscientists have also become interested in the neural systems of forgiveness. According to The Neural System of Forgiveness: An Evolutionary Psychological Perspective, forgiveness systems regulate interpersonal motivation toward a transgressor in the wake of harm by weighing multiple factors that influence both the potential gains of future interaction with the transgressor and the likelihood of harm.

In other words, is this relationship worth keeping in the future or not and if so, can we now forgive that person based on the worthiness and safety of the relationship. The article also describes in scientific terms what is going on in people’s brains when they are in the mindset of unforgiveness. Their focus was on neuroscientific research that links desire for vengeance to reward-based areas of the brain that singles out prefrontal areas likely associated with inhibition of vengeful feelings and that correlates the activity of the intentions and blameworthiness of those who commit harm. The neuroscientific findings presented here identify neural systems that may reflect the computational systems posited by the evolutionary model. (ibid.)

What does this mean for a political forgiveness process? When people enter into a political forgiveness process, most often they are stuck ruminating about their anger and grievances. These are the underlying emotions we need to be conscious of, emotions which other conflict resolution frameworks do not deal with. When you forgive, it leads to changes in your brain that improves your ability to regulate emotions and reactions. Activity in the amygdala, which processes fear and anger, decreases. Areas linked to empathy, positive feelings and emotional control become more active. This rewiring makes you less reactive and more compassionate over time. Forgiveness may also work by changing how the brain interprets and responds to social transgressions. Research addresses the importance of forgiveness not only in enhancing mental health but also in fostering social harmony which speaks to the importance of a political forgiveness process. A political forgiveness process deals directly with emotions that have fueled conflict, such as anger and the need for revenge, with the goal of healing these emotions and moving people away from the desire for revenge to a desire for something more positive. A political forgiveness process is directed toward helping people transition out of an unforgiving mindset and becoming more aware when they are in a mindset of unforgiveness. No other peacebuilding framework deals directly with this. Political forgiveness is a powerful tool for healing and a process that, when people are engaged, can lead to a more peaceful world.

SOURCES

The Neural System of Forgiveness: An Evolutionary Psychological Perspective, Joseph Billingsley, Elizabeth A. R. Losin, Frontiers in Psychology, 8:737. Doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00737.)

‘The Big Lie’ and The Impact On Our Society

If you turn on the news it won’t be long before you will hear reference to ‘The Big Lie’.  ‘The Big Lie’, which has become so divisive in our nation, our communities, and even within our own families, alleges that the 2020 Presidential Election was ‘stolen’, an idea maintained by former President Donald Trump, his allies in the Republican Party, and his supporters. This inflamed rhetoric led to the insurrection of the Capitol on January 6th. It is a belief that denies reality, justifies violence, and sows the seeds of anger in society and hatred of the ‘other’, which is in this case, anyone who does not believe ‘The Big Lie.’ It is a conspiracy theory like no other and has furthered the divide in our society, pitting communities, neighbors, and even family members against each other who are on opposite sides of the argument. 

 

Statistics demonstrate this point. According to a CNN poll conducted in the summer of 2021, 36% of Americans did not believe that President Biden legitimately won the election, and among Republicans, that number jumped to 78%. Similar results were found in an NPR/PBS/Newshour/Marist Poll conducted in October 2021 where 75% of Republicans felt Trump was the legitimate winner. ‘The Big Lie’ has become so entrenched in our politics now that some state legislatures are attempting to ensure that mechanisms are put in place whereby they can overrule voters and substitute their own state of electors to choose the winner. This is a very serious threat to our democracy plain and simple. 

 

If we think about it, strip away the politics of the issue, and look at it through a different prism, how has one conspiracy theory become so prevalent in our politics and, more broadly, in our society?  How have we let it further deepen the divide and perpetuate an ‘us vs them’ environment? Fundamentally, and oversimplifying it for a moment, a difference in belief and opinions has been allowed to tear away at the very social fabric of our society to come between families, friends, communities, etc. On a very basic level, how can society and individuals deal with something like this, a belief or differing opinion which is given such importance in people’s lives? 

 

A loyal fanatic sports fan, whose team has a big local rival does not generally allow this to limit their friendships or interactions outside the arena of sports, so why is it so different in political ideology or political beliefs? Yes, many would attach more importance to political ideology or beliefs than sports or other areas of life, but do we define ourselves solely by political ideology? If I ask you ‘what defines you?’, what would you say? Would your answer simply be ‘Republican’ or ‘Democrat’? In the vast majority of cases, it is unlikely, so we can say there is more to a person and what defines them than political ideology. They may be a partner, a parent, a friend, a teacher, a librarian, a religious or spiritual person, a conservationist, a lover of the outdoors, or have many other defining characteristics, traits, or hobbies. We are more than just a political ideology or political affiliation; we have to be. 

 

We need to choose a less divisive path forward where people can have strong beliefs and convictions, yes, but their whole being is not defined by this, whether Republican or Democrat or the often forgotten ‘other’. No free-thinking person agrees with anyone, let alone any party or politician, 100% of the time, so why should they be 100% defined by a party or politician? They shouldn’t and we should challenge the belief that they should when we hear and see it. If there is a difficult divisive topic or significant issue at play it is bound to heighten tensions, stir up debate, and pit one side against another, that is the society and politics we currently have. So, what can we do? Yes, we can air opinions, forcefully debate the issue, defend a position and explain it, but let us not seek to attack those with opposing views and dehumanize them, let us not seek to use this issue as a reason to hate, let us be more respectful. There may be a significant issue at play, but it doesn’t mean that we individually, or collectively as a country, should be defined by it. Any issue should not have a disproportionate impact on everyone’s lives. 

 

We do not have to be defined by political beliefs, not individually or as a country. What is happening now in the United States is not normal – it doesn’t happen as a matter of course in western civilization. What is happening is the divide that has long been present is deepening. This division and polarization are a real and urgent concern and something that we need to tackle now to stop it from getting worse and to stop it from going past the point of no return. The current environment in which we are living is a clear and present danger for all of us. To move forward, to have a society that can come together, the divided nature of society in this country needs to be repaired. The political polarization and the dehumanization that started within the political arena have long since spilled over into society, past political parties, and into other areas of people’s lives, and communities. It is so widespread across the nation that we need to take action to heal the country, to heal that division, and bring us back to the center point where things like cooperation with those seen as the ‘other’ now do not seem completely off the table. 

 

One way to address this division is through a political forgiveness process, a process which can help transform our thinking where we can begin to understand one another at a deeper level, have empathy for the ‘other’ and which can help all of us change our mindsets to be more accepting of the ‘other’. A political forgiveness process focuses on all levels of society bringing everyone together in a healing capacity that can ultimately bring peace and stability to all of us individually, to our communities, and to our nation. We can no longer wait to engage in a healing process. We must start now.

Healing the Division: It’s Time to Listen

There is no denying that polarization is taking place within the United States. People are at each other’s throats daily. With misinformation, disinformation, alternate realities and all the divergent points of views we can’t seem to agree on anything. We have forgotten how to be civil with one another, how to talk to one another and, most importantly, how to listen to one another. Our perceptions are warped by the beliefs we have taken on and we chose to see the world only through that prism. What we need to do is to see what is happening through a different lens that can help unite us instead of dividing us.

The political discourse has become so toxic that it is not just seen on Capitol Hill or on television. It is seen in all our daily lives, within our communities, with family members who do not talk to each other anymore, with neighbors who stopped meeting up for dinner, or parents who no longer let their kids play with other kids. This is something that I am sure many of you have experienced to some degree, possibly within your family or neighborhood, or with a work colleague. It is something which is replicated right across the United States and it is difficult to see a way back. 

For a community to survive and thrive it cannot be in the stranglehold of this adversarial dynamic which leads to constant bickering and fighting and, in some cases, violence. A community needs to have the collective strength and a real willingness if it wants to change the tide and heal the rift that divides us. A political forgiveness process can be a powerful mechanism to do this by initiating a true dialogue which can foster a change in our thinking and if need be, lead us down a path of forgiveness. Unfortunately, what has been taking place within the United States, and in many countries around the world, is rhetoric being shouted out on either side of the divide with people not listening to each other nor respecting one another. 

In what seems like a lifetime ago, people may not have agreed with one another but they respected each other enough to listen, to still be friends outside of the issue or politics, be able to live side by side and to have constructive discussions and engagements. It is the case now in the environment in which we find ourselves that people have become so disrespectful, dismiss the opinions of others, and only see the issue and politics and not past it.  For a community to work together, as they have done in the past, there needs to be a coalescence around a common ground and an ability to see people for more than their political affiliation or their political background. For people to come together, they need to talk to one another with an open mind, discuss their viewpoints, forgive and move forward constructively. We do not always have to agree, or even like another’s opinion, but we have to respect the person and seek to rise above the hatred.

What do we do next? Where do we go from here? This is where engaging in a political forgiveness process becomes important. We need to decide to come together with a willingness to listen and to understand one another’s ‘truths’. This requires a commitment to engage in a conversation from the standpoint of respecting each other, remembering that you can disagree with someone who has different views from your own but you can still respect the person. When we can show respect to others it is easier for them to then show respect back. It is not about relegating people to being a democrat or a republican, or if they voted for Trump or didn’t vote for Trump. People are more than that and it is time we recognize that. If we only focus on different points of views, we are only focusing on a very small part of who a person is. Can you remember a time prior to the last six or so years where people would walk around town saying, “I’m a Republican” or “I voted for this guy” and seek to antagonize others? This is the kind of behavior which has led to the polarization we are now experiencing. We are all more than the party we vote for or some beliefs which we hold. We always have been and we need to start recognizing this again.

How can we have constructive dialogue? We need to begin by giving people the space to share their story as to why they believe what they believe, what’s behind this belief, and to especially discuss fears and anxieties around it. Empathy and listening is important here realizing that beneath all our points of view is an element of fear. There has been too much talking and not enough listening. If all you do is talk, talk, talk and not actually listen to the other side you are not getting an understanding of their opinions and why they believe what they believe. We need to understand not only what has happened in people’s lives that has informed their worldview but we need to understand the meaning people have given to the events which have left an impact. Dialogue is the way forward and the way through to people. As a result of focusing on talking and not on listening, you narrow the possibility of understanding the viewpoints that you are hearing. When you hear someone’s story and what is significant for them then it is also important to talk about how to overcome what has happened and how to stop the animosity people feel towards one another, including the violence that may also be taking place. We need to discuss in a healing capacity how we can overcome polarization and deal with our differences and why we see situations so differently. These are the kinds of questions a political forgiveness process focuses on when holding a dialogue.

It is important to recognize that we all have a role to play in this process and we all have a purpose whether it be in our own family, our neighborhood or in our community. Wherever it might be, all of us have a responsibility to move past this collective impasse that we are in now and move forward in a more constructive way. Changing mindsets becomes paramount. We need to look within first, question our own values, beliefs, and perceptions, and be committed to making our community a better place. If we don’t do this, what we are about to lose is what we hold dearest, our democracy. If we do not play our part and take responsibility for our actions there is only one direction of travel down the same path we are on, making it impossible to bridge the divide and harder to bring us back together. 

Political forgiveness is a powerful process. Engaging in the dialogue just described is a first step but learning how to forgive ourselves and one another is also part of the process which begins to build the foundation for a culture of peace. When we can heal ourselves and build understanding then we can develop healing mechanisms which not only can have a positive effect on our communities, but it can also support the healing of our nation as well. It is the hope that a political forgiveness process can bring which shines a light on a brighter future for all of us. Respect. Listen. Educate. Engage. 

Changing Mindsets: The Internal Struggle

In a country which has become more polarized, where legislators vote along party lines and rarely cross the aisle, and where political polarization is becoming personal too, how can ordinary citizens find anything in common, let alone create a shared vision for the future? Every day that passes, our communities are becoming more divided. Is there anything that can be done to help people think beyond their own needs and begin to focus on the needs of the country? How can we build a society with competing narratives and come together to feel connected to one another through the bond of citizenship? What role do leaders play in helping to change mindsets currently based on fear to move past that with empathy and understanding? What does it take to think differently, to move away from our narrow mindsets and for leaders to value focusing on national interests instead of their own so that our nation can once again move forward in a more peaceful and productive way?

In an address to a joint session of the United States Congress in 1990, former President of the Czech Republic, Vaclav Havel, said that “without a global revolution in the sphere of human consciousness, a more humane society will not emerge.” In order to stop the cycles of anger, hatred, and fear which fuel so much suffering, requires a radical change in our thinking. Without this change we are destined to remain stuck in the quagmire of violence and aggression, passing down to each generation the legacy of violence and guilt which will only perpetuate these cycles. If, on the other hand, we have an honest commitment to transform consciousness, then we will recognize that true leaders are those individuals who are not afraid to look within, to change the way they think, and heal the pain of those around them. An evolution in consciousness is necessary to step out of the psychological dynamics which keep us stuck in a cycle of dehumanizing one another and creating divisions amongst ourselves. Changing our consciousness will enable us to change our mindsets and see this world differently. With a change in mindset, we can create a more peaceful and accepting world. Developing empathy can be the first step leading to change.

Empathy is the ability to place yourself in the shoes of someone else and to understand the psychological landscape from which they came. When we are empathetic, we can connect with the emotion that others are experiencing. It allows us to show compassion for another human beings, even though we do not have the same experiences. Neuroscience is teaching us that empathy can be learned by perspective taking. This is the ability to understand how a situation appears to another person and how that person is reacting cognitively and emotionally so you can understand what others might want or need. It is the ability to take a perspective in order to gain information by adopting another person’s point of view. When people can take the perspective of someone from an opposing group, one’s ability to empathize can become greater. This is because when we make conscious attempts to understand another’s point of view, we can reshape interactions with other people.

This approach can also support the forgiveness processes. To be able to forgive entails being able to understand someone’s psychological landscape and emotionally feel what they have been feeling. If we can reshape interactions in a more empathetic way perhaps this can also help us to be more forgiving.

Everything around us shapes our beliefs and the way we think. If we recognize the importance of shifting our thinking pragmatically, this can lead to a greater fundamental change, something much deeper and more personal. Taking responsibility for one’s thinking is critical to creating a paradigm shift and to successful processes of political forgiveness. It is a shift which requires an inner conviction. Most importantly you must feel it, and not merely intellectualize about it. If you are not committed to doing that then a lasting change will be elusive. This mindset shift does not happen overnight and is a fundamental process involving emotion more than the intellect.

Changing mindsets is a spiritual pursuit involving politics. Any real change must come from within ourselves and we must embody the change if we want to see it reflected in the world. As Confucius once said, “Virtue begins in the heart, and it ripples outward to transform the family, community, nation and the world.” Great leaders such as Gandhi, Eleanor Roosevelt and Nelson Mandela are examples of this. They demonstrated a high degree of empathy, a connection to others, a quest for truth and action to foster justice. Instead of letting fear dictate their behavior they recognized that there is more to being human and what gives our lives meaning is the ability to care for one another, not hating or judging one another. Caring for one another, having compassion for one another, this helps us to connect with one another.

Spirituality and politics may seem like strange bedfellows, but they are a very necessary partnership for the healing of humanity. We are living in a world with much division, dehumanization and polarization which cuts us off from each other. We have forgotten our humanity, how to love, how to care for one another. Yet we do live in this world together, we are human beings wanting to live good lives which are joyful and meaningful, and it is together that we will decide how much pain we will put each other through or how much joy we will experience in our lives. To create division is to create pain. To be motivated by fear is to create pain to those we are fearful of. To be motivated by power over someone is to create even more pain. Is this the kind of world we want to create, being motivated by a certain kind of power and fear which hurts others so we can protect ourselves?

We can do better than that. We must do better than that. We have lost our moral compass which takes us to our true north. And our true north is what gives us our greatest happiness. It is what guides us to joining with others, caring about others, and being compassionate towards one another. It is about being human and letting that humanity shine through.