Forgiveness is the Highest Form of Love

/in , , , , , , , ,

February is a month people are thinking about love. There are all types of love — from the love of your pet to a best friend to the romantic love towards your significant other. But the highest form of love is that of forgiveness. Forgiveness teaches us about unconditional love. It is not only loving those who are easy to love and who are close to us, but it allows us to love those who are opposite from us and hold views different from us — possibly even those who have done great harm to us.

It is through forgiveness that we learn about ourselves. We become aware of the lens we choose to see the world through, recognizing that what we see in others is what is so hard for us to see within ourselves. When we own that, we are beginning to see someone else in a different light, a more forgiving light. Even when taking a very small step, this begins to open our hearts and light a spark of love within ourselves that touches a deeper love: that of our humanity. It goes directly to the unity that connects all of us — to a higher awareness of the truth of who we are — human beings coming from the same creative source and whose inner being is a spiritual essence.

To learn to love deeply requires forgiveness to become a practice. Most people think of forgiveness as a one-time event. But speak to someone who has had a very painful experience, yet sincerely wanted to let go of their anger and pain and chose forgiveness. They will tell you it was a process, and it took time to work through the grief to get to the other side and to finally be able to forgive. It is this kind of commitment to the work of forgiveness that will change us. And it is this kind of work which helps us shift into a higher form of consciousness where our default is not anger or the need for revenge, but wanting to understand where this person is coming from, and what was the psychological landscape that brought this person to where he or she is today. This kind of thinking will help us see our world with greater understanding, compassion, empathy, and, yes, possibly love for what we all struggle with: the human condition. What greater love is there than giving someone total acceptance of who we are as human beings, recognizing that within all of us is a spiritual being, however deeply buried that may be. This is the essence of deeply held love.

The poet Alexander Pope once wrote, “To err is human, to forgive divine.” Forgiveness is one of the most difficult things we are asked to do, and at times it can feel impossible. Yet even in today’s world, where we hear so much talk about revenge and retribution, some people manage to forgive with amazing grace.

A Forgiveness Story: The Amish Community at Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania

One such story, which has touched many of us, happened on October 2, 2005, when Carl Roberts entered a one-room schoolhouse in the Amish community of Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania. He lined up 11 young girls and shot them at point-blank range. Roberts killed five of the girls and then killed himself. In an amazing act of courage the oldest girl, 13-year-old Marian Fisher asked Roberts to shoot her first. She hoped that she could spare the lives of the younger girls. And what was even more remarkable was that, just a few hours after the shooting, an Amish neighbor went to the Roberts family to comfort them and to offer forgiveness.

A grandfather of one of the girls killed was telling the boys to forgive what had just happened as they prepared the body of one of the little girls for burial. Five days later the families who lost their daughters attended the funeral of the man who had killed them. They went not in anger or for retribution, but to comfort the family and let them know that all was forgiven.

How were the Amish able to forgive? It was because the Amish have an enormous capacity to see things differently. Forgiveness is woven into the fabric of the Amish way of life. The more we are willing to entertain the thought of forgiveness, the more we, too, can experience it. The Amish never lost sight of the fact that, above all else, Roberts was a human being. They did not vilify him, and they were able to see beyond Robert’s actions and recognize not only his weaknesses but his goodness. They were able to see beyond their egos to what can be called seeing with spiritual sight. This gave the Amish the ability to sympathize with his family for their loss and move forward with compassion and not vengeful hate. This is one of the keys to learning how to forgive, looking past the outer behavior and understanding there is a spiritual essence within all of us.

Forgiveness as Grace and Healing

Forgiveness is not about letting someone off the hook. It is about your personal inner healing. It is about being able to tell your story, to listen to the wisdom of what your anger has to say and recognizing there is more to the story. On a deeper level it is about changing the way we think, which includes embracing our spiritual nature and the spiritual nature of even those who have hurt us. The process of forgiveness helps us to understand the pain and suffering of others, especially when we can say, “Why them?” instead of “Why me?” What has happened in their lives which has made them who they are today?

As we struggle with our own difficulties in being able to forgive, we also open ourselves up to a benevolent force which is far more powerful than we could ever be. This creative force, that is sometimes experienced as grace, is that inexplicable power which comes from something beyond us. This power gives us the ability to forgive, even when we feel within our hearts forgiveness is humanly impossible. When it happens, you can feel the power and presence of a higher intervention which transforms your relationships as you experience an outpouring of this inexplicable love.

This is the love which enabled the Amish to pray for everyone involved in what took place on October 2, not only for the innocent little girls who got killed and those still to recover, but for the killer himself. They knew expressing love would bring about healing for all those concerned, whereas taking on the same resentment as the attacker would only support evil and allow it to spread.

As we think about what it means to love and be loved this month, ask yourself — are you ready to embark on a journey which may be difficult at times but which can give you something that is a most precious gift: love itself. For if you really think about why we are here it is not necessarily to amass wealth or power, but to love and be loved. Happy Valentines Day!

Jimmy Carter: A Man Who Knew Forgiveness

/in , , , , , , , , , , ,

Jimmy Carter was a complicated man, a humble peacemaker, and he could also be fiercely competitive. He held on to grievances and yet he was also a Baptist Sunday school teacher who believed in forgiveness and recognized the good in people. This added to the complexity of who Jimmy Carter was.

Carter had many political rivals who he held strong emotions towards. Gerald Ford, Edward Kennedy, and the Clintons were just a few of the difficult relationships. During his 1976 presidential run, Carter spoke of Ford as being “incompetent, and his policies morally and politically and intellectually bankrupt,” as reported by The Washington Post. Over time Carter had a change of heart, which can only come about through a practice of forgiveness. He came to praise Ford as reflected in his inaugural address: “For myself and for our nation, I want to thank my predecessor for all he has done to heal our land.” Carter received a standing ovation for his kind words. Later these men began working closely together as well as becoming very intimate friends.

Carter described his relationship with Ford “as the closest bond between any two former presidents,” both of whom made a pact that the one who lived longer would speak at the other’s funeral. In 2006 it was Carter who spoke at Ford’s funeral. The men and both their wives had become exceptionally close. Carter’s words at the funeral reflected his feelings in saying, “The four of us learned to love each other,” as Betty Ford nodded and Rosalynn Carter dabbed tears from her eyes. In January of 2025, during Carter’s funeral, Steven Ford read the eulogy his father wrote, which spoke of his love and appreciation for Carter.

The same two men once traded insults and accusations as they competed for the presidency. But The Washington Post reported that, at the funeral for the 39th president, the 38th president eulogized: “Now is a time to say goodbye, our grief comforted with the joy and the thanksgiving of knowing this man, this beloved man, this very special man. He has given the gift of years, and the American people and the people of the world will be forever blessed by his decades of good works. Jimmy Carter’s legacy of peace and compassion will remain unique as it is timeless.” This relationship speaks to the power of forgiveness, which Jimmy Carter embraced.

Although Carter did not make peace with all his political opponents, he was determined to reconcile with as many as he could. With Ford, fences mended quickly. With Edward Kennedy reconciliation came more slowly. Perhaps it was Carter’s recognition of how politics was dividing the nation that made him realize the importance of “cleaning up his own house,” his own personal fractures, one at a time. The consciousness of forgiveness is who he was, and he understood the importance of building relationships, especially in the political world.

The Camp David Peace Accords

The Camp David peace accords was Carters most lasting achievement. It was Ford who helped Carter build a relationship with Egyptian president Anwar Sadat, which began to pave the way for the Camp David peace accords. Between January 1977 and September 1978 President Carter worked closely with Sadat and Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin to find a way to bring these men to the negotiating table. Carter realized just as the relationship between Egypt and Israel was laden with distrust and doubt, so too was the relationship between Sadat and Begin.

Throughout 1977 there were separate conversations and visits between Carter, Sadat and Begin, without either side budging from their entrenched positions. Finally Carter invited both men to come to Camp David for a series of private talks scheduled in September 1978. There were many heated arguments and a great deal of frustration and disappointment. Toward the end of the talks, Begin’s foreign minister told Sadat that Israel would never compromise on certain major issues. Sadat and his staff began packing their bags and asked for a helicopter to take them back to Washington so they could return home. Carter spoke to Sadat, reminding him of his promises to Carter and the global importance of his role as peacemaker, and convinced the Egyptian president to stay.

By the 13th day the men had reached an impasse. It was now Begin who decided to call it quits. Carter was asked to call for a car so Begin could leave behind Camp David and all possibilities for a real chance at an Israeli-Egyptian peace.

As Begin and his team were packing their bags Carter, knowing the prime minister’s love for his eight grandchildren, personally inscribed each of their names on photographs of the three men taken a week earlier during a visit to Gettysburg, along with messages expressing his hope that one day there would be peace. Carter then walked over to Begin’s cabin and hand delivered the photos. As Begin read the handwritten notes on the photos, his lips began to quiver and his eyes filled with tears. He realized his responsibility to his people, and especially what happens to children in war. According to carterschool.gmu.edu, Begin “put his bags down and said, ‘Mr. President, I’ll make one last try.’ Six months later, in March of 1979, Egypt and Israel signed a peace treaty that would end three decades of violent conflict between both countries.”

The success of the Camp David accords was possible, in part, because all three men were able to talk to each other directly and deeply and got to know each other as fellow human beings. There was a fraught personal relationship between Begin and Sadat that nearly derailed the entire peace process. It was President Carter’s personal touch and understanding of the importance of relationships in a political peace process that changed the tide of events. He learned the importance of letting go of grievances and the necessity of reconciling with people, which can only happen through the practice of forgiveness. He used this knowledge in developing relationships with others, leading to decades of peace between Israel and Egypt for which Carter was awarded a Nobel Peace Prize in 2002.

Using Power for the Good of Others

Protestant theologian Reinhold Niebuhr once said; “The sad duty of politics is to establish justice in a sinful world.” Carter understood this and recognized that we have a duty to make this world better, but our capacities are limited. He also knew that this country has a soul, that there is good and bad — but what is most important is having the commitment to establishing justice in an unjust world.

We admire Carter, not just for particular policies but for having the ability to amass power and use it for the good of others, leaving the world in a little better place. Yes, there was the Camp David accords and other achievements that happened during Carter’s life, but his greatest gift was showing us how to express our better angels. He rose from a very poor beginning to the pinnacle of power and never strayed from being in touch with himself. He held firmly to his beliefs and what he valued with the recognition that our worth does not come from outside of ourselves, but what is within us. He wanted to make a gentler world and he did. It is now up to us to carry that torch to make this a better country and a more compassionate world.

 

SOURCES

Mary Jordan and Kevin Sullivan, The Washington Post, “Jimmy Carter Made Enemies, then Peace,” December 31, 2024

Toluse Olorunnipa, The Washington Post, “Gerald Ford, in eulogy read by son, calls Carter his ‘old friend,’ ” January 9, 2025

carterschool.gmu.edu, Audrey Williams, “Camp David, Hal Saunders, and Responsibility in Peacemaking,” Accessed January 14, 2025

Reinhold Niebuhr, Love and Justice: Selections from the Shorter Writings of Reinhold Niebuhr, Westminster John Knox Press, 1992

Bringing Families Back Together This Holiday Season

/in , , , , , , ,

The election is now over, and in its wake are a lot of unhealed emotions. People are fearful, not knowing the direction the country is going and still trying to process what has happened. Unfortunately, also in its wake is the destruction of relationships, including family members cutting off ties with one another, reducing them just to their vote. We have to remember that a person is more than just their vote, more than their politics and more than just one action.

I was reading a story about Mónica Guzmán, senior fellow for public practice at Braver Angels and committed to bridging the political divide as she recounted what she experienced with a group of friends in Seattle in recent years. Guzmán is a liberal who voted for President Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton in recent years. Her parents are conservatives supporting Trump all the way. When Guzmán got together with her friends she started feeling queasy and uncomfortable when people were describing supporters of Trump as “monsters.” Jokes were being made and other things were being said alluding to Trump supporters as being ignorant, uncaring and even immoral. Even Guzmán herself got caught up in agreement of what was being said as she laughed along with the others. Yet she knew something was wrong. She understood that saying things about others was actually harmful — not just in attacking the “other” side, but even more importantly attacking how we relate to others, which in turn becomes an attack on ourselves. In some respects, Guzmán felt that an attack on Trump voters was also an attack on her parents, people she deeply loved.

More Alike Than We Are Different

In an article for the Washington Examiner titled Our Political Opponents Are Not Our Enemies, journalist Julian Adorney says the data shows we have many values in common across the political spectrum:

In Say It Well, former Obama speechwriter Terry Szuplat cites a recent survey in which “roughly 90% of the people … Republicans and Democrats alike, said that personal responsibility, fair enforcement of the law, compassion, and respect across differences were important to them.” We all share the same underlying values, even if we disagree with our brothers and sisters across the aisle about how these values should manifest in public policy.

We have a culture where there are a lot of narratives that go unchecked, where misinformation spreads like wildfires and where we really don’t know what is in people’s hearts. We believe that our side’s fears are real while the “other” side’s fears are imagined. That’s not true. Each side has a mix of fears that are grounded in reasonable concerns and fears grounded in hyperbole. So what can we do when family members are panicking about what is taking place in our country, or are afraid of being attacked by others, or feeling tension at a family gathering because of other members hold vastly different views?

The first thing is to honor how you feel. We have feelings for a reason. They serve as a barometer of what is happening within us and therefore it would be helpful to ask ourselves why we feel the way we do, and then to reach out to people who have different points of view who also care about you and share your concerns. This can bring us comfort. Now is the time to get out of our silos and reach out to others. We just might learn that our beliefs about what is happening are getting in our way of seeing a more complete picture.

People in Your Life Are Not the Political Leaders They Voted for

In terms of managing relationships, remember that the people in your life are not the political leaders they voted for. Too often this becomes blurred in our minds. Although they may believe in and support what their candidate talks about, they are not Kamala Harris or Donald Trump. There is emotional maturity required here. We have to learn to emotionally self-regulate when someone in our circle of family or friends thinks differently than we do. If we don’t like the way someone voted it is our problem — not theirs. A little understanding here can go a long way. If you can’t explain to someone your understanding of where they are coming from and why they voted the way they did, and they respond positively back to you, you have more work to do. Having said that, there may be times when people may push hard on you, and if this happens it is appropriate to set limits and boundaries.

The glue that will hold us together comes down to this: our shared values and our hopes and dreams for our country. Just because we express different political views doesn’t mean that we don’t have similar values or a moral compass that guides us. It will be our hopes and dreams that will connect us. It is out of our control as to what will happen down the road in our country — yet what is in our control is how we view and treat one another. We need to learn to appreciate how people are feeling without judgment, to understand where people are coming from, and that all of us are hurting in our own ways. And perhaps it is our pain that will also bring us together. Perhaps it is through our feelings that we can begin to relate to one another and recognize the humanity in all of us.

And so, for the holidays instead of holding on to anger and fear in your hearts, recognize that we have choices, including the choice to let go of anger and instead see our world with greater understanding. Walk in your world with a greater willingness to at least try to go deeper in our understanding of one another, to recognize that we can connect with meaningful values, that all of us have felt fear and pain, which now calls for greater love and compassion. This is the meaning of the holiday season, a season based on the consciousness of unconditional love and forgiveness. And if we can hold this consciousness within our hearts this will be a very special holiday, for what we give to others we give to ourselves. Happy holidays everyone.

Opponents Sitting Down Together Build Coalitions and Trust

/in , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I was listening to a wonderful podcast How Do We Get Through This hosted by Tim Phillips, founder of Beyond Conflict, which spoke of how we can navigate through our fears and uncertainty surrounding the upcoming elections and what this means for our future.

Phillips founded Beyond Conflict with the focus of helping emerging democracies in Central and Eastern Europe come to terms with their past and deepen the process of democracy. Later his work expanded into such places as Northern Ireland, El Salvador, Sri Lanka and South Africa. The core of his work in helping leaders confront their past and work towards reconciliation was in shared human experiences. Interestingly this is at the core of a political forgiveness framework.

In his inaugural podcast, Phillips interviews two incredible people: Roelf Meyer, beneficiary and defender of the apartheid system who later experienced a profound change in his thinking, and Mohammed Bhabha a leading ANC activist who suffered under the apartheid systems segregation policies, only to become a key negotiating team member that negotiated the new constitution. Both men were at one time enemies sitting at opposite ends of the political spectrum and who ultimately changed the course of history in their country working together to end apartheid and build a multiracial democracy.

These leaders, who have traversed rough terrain, give us hope that — no matter the results of the election in this country — there is a way we can heal. The first lesson is that it will take courage and coalition building of like-minded people who have similar core values and a common conviction in building a stronger nation. We have already seen this happening with Liz Cheney and Kamala Harris coming together with obviously very different political backgrounds and views, but with the same core values, such as the respect for the rule of law, democratic norms, and for our constitution.

We need to build on this. We need to ask ourselves: Do we all have the same conviction that our democracy is worth fighting for and do we understand what it means if we lose it? As Roelf Meyer shares, it was very important for him, while working with counterpart Cyril Ramaphosa, that they had the same conviction — bringing about a peaceful resolution for their country. In knowing that, they started to believe in each other, which became the key element in their relationship. This belief in one another gave these men the strength to deal with what was in front of them, knowing that all the issues they needed to deal with could be resolved. And this is where we need to do our soul searching. Do we love our country enough to never forsake the core values the United States is built upon and to do what is required of all of us to move forward in peaceful co-existence?

In South Africa, Meyer and Bhabha spoke about the importance of building a center of convergence when the National Party and the ANC decided to work toward building a new multiracial democracy. This center was committed to upholding the constitution, rule of law, and also driven by values that reinforced our humanity. This kind of commitment is currently missing in the United States. The lesson is: If you can find common ground concerning the destiny for the future of our country then you will find what you need to deal with all the challenges that arise.

Another important lesson from these leaders is the importance of getting to know one another, learning how to talk with each other, build trust, and come together in a healing capacity. And that is what the political forgiveness model is about, helping to prepare people to come together and developing skills to help us let go of our grievances and petty anger. We learn to deeply listen to one another in productive dialogues where we begin to understand who we are as human beings. We become aware of obstacles within ourselves that makes it difficult to empathize with the “other.” A political forgiveness program can help leaders move forward with this mindset an associated skills.

We are at a crossroad, and need to understand that, fundamentally, our country is changing; we are at a history-making moment and the choices we make now will have a profound effect on our country which may remain with us for decades. More violence can ensue — or we can come to the realization that we need to deeply listen to and talk with one another and make a commitment to honestly work with one another.

So much more has been said this in this podcast and I hope many of you will take the time to listen to it. It will bring us hope and begin to provide a roadmap of what we can do to face the challenges before us and help build a better country for us all.

Unlikely Coalitions: Can They Bring Our Country Back Together?

/in , , , , , , ,

As we get closer to election day, people are feeling the stress of a polarized society. The division seems more palpable the closer we get to November 7, with many of us feeling more fear and anxiety as we approach that date. Some feel that we are so far apart — even living in different realities — that bridging the divide seems impossible. So how can we bring our country back together again?

Democracies work best when we follow norms; norms are agreed-upon ways we conduct ourselves in our society. Two basic norms that have helped preserve our democracy are tolerance and forbearance. Tolerance is about accepting the beliefs, feelings, or behaviors of another group or culture as legitimate, even when they differ from one’s own and even when you may not necessarily agree with them. Forbearance is showing restraint under adversity, patience under provocation. Tolerance is a mindset whereas forbearance requires restraint, a behavioral action.

When tolerance and forbearance are weak, democracy deteriorates. The challenge facing our democracy is not only the weakening of our democratic norms, it is extreme partisan polarization — which not only erodes our democracy, but can destroy it. Tolerance and forbearance can help in reducing polarization: When leaders are more tolerant and practice forbearance, they are more likely to view their adversaries as legitimate partners and less tempted to resort to political violence. But when societies become deeply divided and parties become wedded to their worldviews coupled with polarized groups rarely interacting, people become less tolerant and less likely to practice forbearance.

Strange Bedfellows Combat Anti-Democratic Forces

How can we turn the tide given the climate that our nation is facing today? The antidote to polarization is the coming together — most importantly with strange bedfellows. History has taught us that the way to combat anti-democratic forces is joining forces and developing coalitions with opposite groups. This was demonstrated clearly during the 1930s when authoritarian influences were taking hold in Europe. The countries that were able to hold on to their democracies and not fall prey to dictatorships were the countries that formed coalitions against authoritarians. How can we apply this to what is taking place currently in the United States?

Coalition building usually involves the coming together of like-minded groups. Interfaith groups which bring together religious organizations of different faiths to combat religious intolerance is an example of a coalition. Other groups are civil liberties groups defending the rights of Americans. All these groups are important but they are not enough to defend our democracy. The coalitions that are necessary and which become more powerful in defending our freedoms are what we might think of as strange bedfellows, those groups that may hold opposing views from one another. They are coalitions built on groups coming together who may even view the other as an adversary, groups such as Braver Angels, which brings Republicans and Democrats — Reds and Blues as they are called — together, whose purpose is to share opposing views and work together to reduce polarization. Other powerful partnerships might be business leaders coming together with progressive Democrats, both of whom have good reason to oppose an unstable and undemocratic government.

Building coalitions with unlikely partners is not necessarily easy. To build successful coalitions will require a willingness to deeply listen to one another and a sincere desire to understand one another at a deeper level, setting aside cherished beliefs and issues that we care about and coming together in a healing capacity for the greater good. This does not mean that we all need to think alike — what it does mean is that we are working toward finding common ground. In so doing we are building a true democracy that cannot be destroyed.

Working within a political forgiveness framework helps train individuals and leaders from all walks of life interested in societal healing to develop important skills in coalition building, especially with groups who would not normally come together. Can you imagine what it would be like to bring together Bernie Sanders supporters with evangelicals and secular feminists, or rural Republicans with urban Black Lives Matter supporters, all willing to listen to one another, develop a greater understand of one another and work together finding common ground? Now that would be a force to be reckoned with, opening channels of communication and crossing the divide that could emerge between these groups. This is what political forgiveness teaches us, recognizing the humanness in everyone and moving forward together with dignity and respect.

Is Political Forgiveness an Antidote to Authoritarianism?

/in , , , , , , , , , , ,

In his Ted Talk on “How to Spot Authoritarianism,” Ian Bassin shares a story about an urgent message he received which summoned him to pick up a package at a random address late on the evening he was attending the inaugural ball. He was to begin his new job as associate White House counsel with the new administration the following day. So Bassin slipped out of the ball in the rain to retrieve the package. When he arrived at the designated address, the doorman handed him a plastic grocery bag which contained three thick binders. He was to bring them with him to the White House the next day.

For the next three years those binders became Bassin’s bible. These binders were passed down from administration to administration and explained what Bassin could and could not do when performing his duties. It didn’t matter who was the president, the rules — although not legally binding — were consistent. They were traditions, the norms people followed, although people had the choice to follow them or not. After the 2016 election, Bassin and his fellow counsel alumni began to grow concerned wondering what would happen if a president chose not to follow those rules. They watched carefully and began to recognize there was a threat to our democracy. That threat was a possible slide into a form of authoritarianism. They understood that authoritarian movements take hold by the choices we make; we can also make choices that can defeat it.

So what does authoritarianism look like? Authoritarianism takes hold when the executive branch of government politicizes the judiciary, tries to silence the press, and when the leader becomes a cult-like figure in it for personal gain, removing any threats to his power. To achieve this end the propaganda machine is turned on, corruption becomes the fare of the day and intimidation is freely used — often leading to the use of violence. It is a divide-and-conquer strategy.

Most people do not want an authoritarian government nor secretly favor it. Yet because we are living in a turbulent time of immense change and uncertainty, people are feeling anxious about their lives and their future. When we feel that our political lives are in ruin, we may think relief can come from a strong man who can take care of everything. We don’t realize that when this happens our democracy begins to slowly erode. Elected officials begin using legal and institutional means to dismantle the guard rails that have kept democracy intact, which chips away at democracy — something we are seeing in our country today.

But there is hope, and we still have time to stem the tide. As a democracy we have the power to choose — something that autocracies take away. Making choices is not just about going out to vote, although that is important. It is about the countless choices we as Americans make every day, which either support or erode our precious democracy, and which can give us great hope or great concern. The hopefuls are people like Ruby Freeman and her daughter Shaye Moss, Georgia election workers who were falsely accused of tampering with votes and who stood up for what was right in the courts and Congress. Then there are those who make the choice to spread disinformation or undermine government for political gain with the intention of dividing us and creating fear. These feed into the authoritarianism playbook and begin to erode democracy.

Powerful Coalitions in an Age of Rising Authoritarianism

History has been a witness to the rise of authoritarianism. Between World War I and World War II Europe was especially vulnerable. A number of countries in Europe saw the far right as threats to their democracy, and so the mainstream center right decided to unite with their traditionally left opponents to block autocrats from power. Their democracy was saved. Other countries such as Germany made a different choice and we know what happened there.

Authoritarianism thrives on division, fueling an “us versus them” mentality, and creating the toxic polarization the United States is now experiencing. The antidote to this dynamic is for all of us to listen more deeply to each other and to respect one another so people can feel valued and heard, no matter where they stand on political issues. Political forgiveness, a process which can teach us how to let go of grievances and petty anger, can also help us to listen more deeply to one another, learn how to respect one another and unite with one another. This is what can give us hope: In coming together to form powerful coalitions we can turn the tide of authoritarianism. A political forgiveness process can give us the skills and help bridge the divide. In a sense, it is a peacebuilding approach to combatting authoritarianism, bringing down the empathy walls within us to reach out and support one another in meaningful ways. It is in joining with one another that breaks down the wall of authoritarianism and builds a united country. If we choose to meet our neighbors with curiosity and a willingness to connect, our elected officials will eventually do the same.

Those binders that Bassin retrieved that night during the inaugural ball never made it to the next administration: When the new administration came into office there was no one Bassin could give them to who would take them and honor them in the way they were honored in the past. But Bassin is giving them to all of us, reminding us of the norms and traditions that were followed and the importance of the choices we make if we want to preserve and protect our democracy. In a democracy we have choice. In an autocracy there is no choice. Making the right choices strengthens us, making wrong choices can cost us our freedom. Ultimately the choice is ours.

Stemming the Tide of Political Violence

/in , , , , , ,

On Saturday, July 13, 2024, there was an attempted assassination on former president Donald Trump while he was speaking at a campaign rally just a few days before the Republican National Convention. Fortunately, the former president’s face, bloodied from a bullet grazing his ear, was not seriously injured as he was rushed off the stage. A few hours later President Joe Biden forcefully condemned political violence and appealed to a nation reeling from the assassination attempt. In a primetime address Biden said, “Americans must strive for national unity,” warning that the political rhetoric has become “too heated.”

“There is no place in America for this kind of violence—for any violence. Ever. Period. No exception. We can’t allow this violence to be normalized.” Biden spoke of the rising tide of political violence, saying “We cannot, we must not go down this road in America.” Even blusterous Trump said that he is re-writing his nomination speech to bring “the whole country, even the whole world, together, adding that the reality of what had happened was “just setting in.”

In these times where many people feel so hopeless that it feels like we are falling into an abyss, that nothing can be done to stop this downward spiral of discontent, the work of political forgiveness can bring us hope. It is not always easy to go beyond our anxieties, our fears and our feelings of outrage at what is taking place in our country. The question is, have we lost sight of who we are as Americans?

We do not realize that as citizens we have the power and the ability to repair our nation, that we cannot give up on our democracy, despite our frustration. We have entered a time in our country where it seems OK to dehumanize each other, where challenges create more polarization and leadership of both parties has so much contempt for one another they can’t come together to work out common problems.

Yet, this doesn’t have to be the whole story — but it does requires all of us to participate, and it requires all of us to sit down with one another, have a willingness to be civil with one another and to do the necessary healing within oneself so we can be present with one another. If we are willing to come together in a healing capacity, which is what a political forgiveness framework can provide, we can become part of the solution to turn this country around. And we must become part of the solution if we want to stop this political violence.

If we allow ourselves to become more vulnerable with each other and learn how to be safe with one another through a political forgiveness process we can gain a better understanding of what went wrong and begin to think in a clearer way how we can come together as a community, as a nation. We simply cannot afford to blame one another, to believe that our country is beyond repair and that our corrupt leaders and institutions can take away our power. Together we can heal this fractured county.

It doesn’t matter what side of the aisle you are on because, like it or not, we are all in a search for a more perfect union which can only be done together. Political forgiveness can elevate rather than harden our politics—politics which should be a means for solving problems and finding justice. We are living through critical times, and if we want to stop this downward spiral it will require all of us to participate in a way where we abandon our contempt for politics and for each other. Political forgiveness allows for a more civil and productive way of interacting with one another and a political forgiveness process can serve as an inspiration to become more involved in this American experiment we call democracy.

To Forgive or Not to Forgive: That Is the Question

/in , , , , , , , , , ,

Anger, grievances, vengeance — we can’t stop hearing about how people are feeling, especially the pain that swirls around us. After a while we begin to feel so emotionally drained that it’s exhausting. Perhaps we’re hearing the barrage of negativity from others, or are holding on tightly to our own grievances. Whatever it is, the emotional undertow is dragging us down.

Perhaps we need to forgive. What? Are you kidding? This may be the dialogue spinning around in your head. But before you try to find the exit door, you may want to stop and think about this for a moment: There are benefits to what many of us find so hard to do. First, we must understand what forgiveness is not and is.

What Forgiveness Is Not

Forgiveness is not about forgetting. When painful events happen to us it is unrealistic to think we can just forget about it. What does happen when we are able to forgive is that we don’t dwell on what has happened and are able to control how we feel about the situation.

Forgiveness also doesn’t mean that you let someone off the hook. People need to be held accountable for their actions. What forgiveness enables us to do is to let go of our emotional pain. Forgiveness is an inner process not an outward action, and this is why just because you can forgive it doesn’t mean that you need to reconcile. Forgiveness is about what is taking place inside of you. Reconciliation involves another person and engaging in building trust. There are times when it’s very possible, and maybe even wise, to forgive someone but not reconcile.

Unfortunately, people often associate forgiveness with weakness. Truth be told, many people are afraid to look within themselves and muster the emotional maturity to change their mindsets about someone else. It is easier for us to attack and blame rather than try to understand what happened and why. For many it is anxiety producing to delve within our own being—something many of us avoid.

Forgiveness is not something that happens quickly, nor is it usually a one-time event. It is an inner process that takes time. Our emotions need to be worked through for us to see a situation differently. Looking within ourselves and being honest with ourselves takes time and courage.

When we are unable to forgive, we are usually holding on to a grievance story, a story someone tells over and over again of being wronged. Grievance causes suffering; the more you focus on your grievance the stronger they become. People begin to ruminate over them, giving power over the grievance. As you continue to replay the incident in your head, what happened in the past only gets uglier. Over time, holding on to grievance can affect your mood, your relationships and your health. But there is a surprising countermeasure to grievance: forgiveness.

What Forgiveness Is

So, what is forgiveness? Forgiveness is a cognitive and emotional process that lessens anger and grievance, the desire for revenge, and helps stop rumination. It is decision, a choice not to see the world through the lens of anger and bitterness, but through a greater understanding. It is choosing to let go of negative emotions toward someone who has harmed you. In so doing, you are taking back control of your emotional well-being and choosing not to be a victim twice over. Forgiveness helps you develop greater awareness, greater insight and better judgment. It gets you out of the past which you cannot change and helps create a new healing narrative, developing a new perspective and a chance for inner peace.

Forgiveness is powerful. It is transformative. What makes that so is our willingness to look within ourselves. And this is what also makes forgiveness frightening. It can bring up feelings of vulnerability and have us question who we truly are, possibly even getting to the core of our identity. Forgiveness arises both from within us and outside the place of hurt. It necessitates a degree of openness and the ability to reach out, beyond ourselves to others, even when we would rather resist engaging with the person who has hurt us. This is what frightens us and, at the same time, this is where forgiveness can be most transformative. Our inward journey that is so necessary, is what enables us to see the humanity of those responsible for our wounding, and when we forgive them, we are sanctioning them back into the world of our common humanity.

Science Confirms the Healing Power of Forgiveness

If for no other reason, to be willing to forgive is very pragmatic. There have been numerous scientific studies which have highlighted the healing power of forgiveness. These studies focusing on forgiveness training have shown a reduction in stress, depression, anxiety, and anger, and an increase in hopefulness, spiritual connection, better relationships and mental and physical well-being. Learning to forgive can have a healing effect on such illnesses as cardiovascular disease and cancer. Preliminary studies from research in allied fields such as psychology, medicine, and religion show that feeling more positive emotions such as gratitude, faith, and care have a positive impact on cardiovascular function.

Neuroscientists have also become interested in the neural systems of forgiveness. According to The Neural System of Forgiveness: An Evolutionary Psychological Perspective, forgiveness systems regulate interpersonal motivation toward a transgressor in the wake of harm by weighing multiple factors that influence both the potential gains of future interaction with the transgressor and the likelihood of harm.

In other words, is this relationship worth keeping in the future or not and if so, can we now forgive that person based on the worthiness and safety of the relationship. The article also describes in scientific terms what is going on in people’s brains when they are in the mindset of unforgiveness. Their focus was on neuroscientific research that links desire for vengeance to reward-based areas of the brain that singles out prefrontal areas likely associated with inhibition of vengeful feelings and that correlates the activity of the intentions and blameworthiness of those who commit harm. The neuroscientific findings presented here identify neural systems that may reflect the computational systems posited by the evolutionary model. (ibid.)

What does this mean for a political forgiveness process? When people enter into a political forgiveness process, most often they are stuck ruminating about their anger and grievances. These are the underlying emotions we need to be conscious of, emotions which other conflict resolution frameworks do not deal with. When you forgive, it leads to changes in your brain that improves your ability to regulate emotions and reactions. Activity in the amygdala, which processes fear and anger, decreases. Areas linked to empathy, positive feelings and emotional control become more active. This rewiring makes you less reactive and more compassionate over time. Forgiveness may also work by changing how the brain interprets and responds to social transgressions. Research addresses the importance of forgiveness not only in enhancing mental health but also in fostering social harmony which speaks to the importance of a political forgiveness process. A political forgiveness process deals directly with emotions that have fueled conflict, such as anger and the need for revenge, with the goal of healing these emotions and moving people away from the desire for revenge to a desire for something more positive. A political forgiveness process is directed toward helping people transition out of an unforgiving mindset and becoming more aware when they are in a mindset of unforgiveness. No other peacebuilding framework deals directly with this. Political forgiveness is a powerful tool for healing and a process that, when people are engaged, can lead to a more peaceful world.

SOURCES

The Neural System of Forgiveness: An Evolutionary Psychological Perspective, Joseph Billingsley, Elizabeth A. R. Losin, Frontiers in Psychology, 8:737. Doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00737.)

Are Grievances Running Our Nation and Is Political Forgiveness Our Way Out?

/in , , , , , , , , , , , ,

On January 6, 2021, a date that will go down as one of the darkest in American history, a routine certification of presidential election results turned into a bloodbath of grievance. What happened at the US Capitol was not just the result of one election and the defeat of then-President Donald Trump, it was the culmination of years of adding kindling to the bonfire. On January 6, the words and actions of one man, encouraging his mob of supporters to believe him, resulted in an insurrection against the United States Congress at the US Capitol building in Washington, D.C.

Americans are deeply divided over why the insurrection happened, most assuming the split reflects bitter partisan politics. Although we may think that the insurrection was about the Big Lie or that the 2020 presidential election was stolen, what motivated the rioters that day was the notion that the United States is for white people whose power must be protected at all costs. The slogan, “Stop the steal,” was not only referring to the belief in a rigged election, it was also referring to the sense of status being stolen, the resentment that Black people and other minority groups were using race to gain unfair advantage. It is a metaphor for what some people are feeling is happening in our country: their status is being stolen and they feel threatened. White grievance, according to Robert Pape, a professor of political science at the University of Chicago, was the primary motivation for January 6. According to Pape, “There is a clear racial cleavage that you see in our data and that is what is also captured in the ‘great replacement theory.” Racial resentment was a crucial factor among white Americans who supported the January 6 attack on the United States Capitol.

Not all grievances are created equal. The protests over the killing of George Floyd and the resulting Black Lives Matter protests are examples of grievances that need to be heard and dealt with. Genuine grievances stemming from personal experiences are grievances that need to be listened to. The grievances at the heart of the protests that have erupted in hundreds of US cities need to be heard and addressed if the country is to move on from its tragic history of racism and violence.

A large majority of US citizens are beginning to accept the long history of racism, and the legacy of racist ideas and structures left behind, according to Simon Clark, writing for the Center for American Progress. “The recent protests and public reaction to George Floyd’s murder are a testament to many individuals’ deep commitment to renewing the founding ideals of the republic. But there is another, more dangerous, side to this debate—one that seeks to rehabilitate toxic political notions of racial superiority, stokes fear of immigrants and minorities to inflame grievances for political ends, and attempts to build a notion of an embattled white majority which has to defend its power by any means necessary.”

Violence and, in particular, political violence seems to be feeding into a cacophony of grievances, loudly broadcast through our airwaves and any other form of conceivable communication. Racism and political violence fueled by grievances touch every aspect of our personal and political lives, creating a great division and polarizing our country. How do we heal this?

We need to understand the nature of racial resentment. If we only focus on “racism” it runs the risk of continued polarization and makes healing more difficult. Using anger and violence to intimidate shuts down communication; people will not listen to one another, rendering any healing process or reconciliation impossible. Everyone needs to be treated with respect, to feel safe, to have their voices heard and feelings worked out, in order for a change of mindset to occur. This is the premise of any political forgiveness process, for people to feel safe and be heard, to share deeply about themselves and to deeply hear one another.

Political forgiveness is an act that joins truth, tolerance, empathy, and a commitment to repair fractured human relationships to support a process of conflict transformation. To stop the cycles of anger, hatred, and fear fueling so much suffering requires a radical change in our thinking, which involves changing our mindsets. We change mindsets by seeing each other through a different lens, not one of anger and fear toward one another, but through understanding the psychological landscape where all of us have come from, and gaining an understanding for what we have all been through. This enables us to reframe the past by giving it a new narrative which can support societal change.

A political forgiveness process begins with individual understanding: for all of us to get in touch with why we feel the way we do. It’s important to understand how our grievances, our resentments, began, and to create a meaningful story. It’s not easy to develop peace within oneself, especially when we feel mistreated—and this is what a grievance is about, we feel that something happened we didn’t want to happen, or that some event we really hoped for simply didn’t occur. Ultimately a grievance forms because something in our life turned out to be radically different from what we wanted, and we feel unfairly treated.

Our grievances form when we don’t have the skills to deal with our reality and don’t know how to communicate with one another, focusing too much on the injustice we feel. A political forgiveness process helps people learn those skills of how to work through grievances and to develop the necessary skills and the mindset, which can lead to resolutions. As part of the process, people come together and learn to deeply hear and communicate with one another, engage in a dialogue process and with a greater openness to one another and to discuss how they can come together to create societal change. As a deeper healing takes place among people with different views and concerns, this country can develop a culture of political forgiveness and peaceful co-existence that can become the foundation for societal change by healing emotions that have fueled polarization and by developing skills that can be used — including forgiveness skills to foster better relationships in one’s personal life — within communities and within nations. By developing a new way of thinking through a political forgiveness process, participants deepen their ability to reframe situations, thereby creating a new vision, which includes a healing narrative, accepting one another as legitimate partners in creating a more peaceful society.

 

Sources

American Myths Are Made of White Grievance—and the January 6 Big Lie is Just the Latest, Anthony Conwright, Jan.–Feb. 2023 issue, Mother Jones.)

How White Supremacy Returned to Mainstream Politics, Simon Clark, Center for American Progress

How Can Israelis and Palestinians Achieve Peace?

/in , , , , , , ,

During the early morning hours of October 7, 2023, a horrifying massacre took place where the Palestinian Sunni Islamist group Hamas led a surprise attack against Israel from the Gaza Strip by land, sea, and air, firing barrages of rockets towards the southern and central parts of the country. The fighting continues and countless people are dying on both sides. One of the largest targets were the children in Gaza. Debates continued concerning whether there should there be a ceasefire and the issue of humanitarian aid. Was this genocide of the Palestinian people? Many voices expressed the horror of the brutality that was taking place on both the Israeli and Palestinian people.

One such person, Rula Daood, the Palestinian Israeli co-director of Standing Together, a progressive grassroots movement that mobilizes people around issues of peace, equity, and social justice, passionately said, “There is no other way but forward.” They told us that this war would crush Hamas. They told us that it would bring the hostages home. But none of this has happened. The hostages continue to die. Those that came back, came back as part of a deal. Hamas is only growing stronger. It’s Gazan lives being crushed: children, women, men, innocent people whose homes were destroyed and who have nothing to eat.

Tens of thousands of people living near the border lived through a horrifying massacre on October 7, lost family and friends, and now they don’t know when they will be able to return home. How is any of this good for any of us? For the good of those who live here? How much more blood will be spilled before we understand that this war is crushing all of us? How many people will die before we understand that this is not the way to get security? How many homes will be destroyed? How many dreams abandoned before we understand that there will be no hope on one side of the border if there is no hope on the other? That the fate of Israelis and Palestinians is intertwined. That we will all live in peace and freedom — or that none of us will.

How can Israelis and Palestinians achieve peace? Aziz Abu Sarah, a Palestinian peacemaker and Maoz Inon, an Israeli peacemaker share a touching story of friendship and how they choose reconciliation over revenge. What brought them together was a belief in a better future and, through finding shared values, they built a coalition of Israeli and Palestinian citizens whose intention is creating a path of hope and peace.

On October 7 Inon lost his parents during the massacre, along with many of his childhood friends, their parents, and their children. Inon was drowning in an ocean of grief and pain. At night he visited this horror in his dream state. In one particular dream he saw humanity crying with him. Tears were streaming down faces washing over wounded bodies until the tears healed the bodies and washed the blood from the ground purifying the land. What emerged from the ground was a path, a path to peace. When Inon woke up he immediately knew that this was the path he needed to take, a path of reconciliation and not revenge.

Maoz Inon and Aziz Abu Sarah met only once before October 7, yet Abu Sarah sent a message offering condolences when hearing that Inon’s parents were killed. In a response that surprised Abu Sarah, Inon said he was mourning not only the death of his parents — he was crying for the people of Gaza who were also losing lives. Inon didn’t want what happened to be justification for anyone to take revenge, understanding that it was easier to be angry than to not want to justify war.

Abu Sarah had a different story of pain and sorrow. His brother Tayseer was killed by an Israeli soldier when he was only nineteen years old. Abu Sarah, ten at the time, was angry and bitter, only wanting revenge. It was eight years later when Abu Aziz went to study Hebrew with Jewish immigrants to Israel that he realized that he could make choices regardless of what other people do, and, through being angry and hateful, Abu Aziz would only become a slave to the person who killed his brother.

Abu Sarah has worked in 70 countries, and he’s discovered that the causes of conflict are the same. It’s the lack of recognition, a lack of willingness to understand each other’s historical narrative or listen to one another deeply with respect, and not having a shared vision for the future. The other issue is that people are divided because they cannot talk and have conversations with one another.

All of us need to learn from each other, to not be afraid to ask the hard questions, and to be honest and willing to listen. What Inon learned from speaking with Palestinians is that we must forgive for the past, forgive the present, but we cannot and should not forgive for the future. We need to work to make the future a better future. Inon speaks of the gap, since the beginning of the Zionist movement and the Palestinian national movement, with the war they have been waging on each other becoming wider and wider, with their stories so very far apart. And according to Inon, a miracle can happen where the stories meet in the future; they will be based on reconciliation and recognition, where all will feel safe, secure, and equal.

People may hear the word “forgiveness” yet think: How can you lose people you love and not be angry? No one is saying to abandon your anger. Anger can be a teacher, telling us that something must change, either within ourselves or outside of ourselves. Anger is real — yet we must be very careful not to let our anger turn into hate, blinded by the need for revenge.

What is being asked of us is to have moral courage, hope, and the ability to envision a better future. If we come with the mindset of seeing the world not through the eyes of anger or fear but with willingness to see things differently, a new story can be written. If we recognize there are people on all sides of the divide who want to live normal lives in harmony, together we can build a narrative that includes reconciling with one another so that all people can live in peace.