Tag Archive for: @erborris

Getting Started – Step One in Learning How to Forgive

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This is an exciting day. You have decided that your emotional health and well-being is very important, and you are ready to take the first step in letting go of your emotional pain. As with any difficult emotional work it is important to have a strong and healthy emotional support network. Have people around you who love you and support you in healthy ways. It would be great to have a companion throughout your forgiveness journey to be your sounding board and support. Make sure you are under the care of a therapist if you are dealing with difficult issues such as trauma, depression, anxiety or suicidal thoughts.

The first thing you may want is a journal or a notebook. This will become an invaluable tool and is for you only. Writing what comes to mind is one way to give all the stuff trapped inside of you voice. You can write down during moments of reflection or for a pouring out of whatever needs to be expressed. Keep writing no matter what comes up. By writing things down, you are giving your emotions voice, dissipating their energy.

Write in your journal for a few minutes every day while working on this program. Pick your own best time to do this. Find a place where you will not be disturbed and use the same place every time you write. Before you begin, take a few very deep breaths to help quiet your mind and body. Begin journaling by allowing whatever needs to come up to be written even it seems totally off the wall. Allow your writing to guide you.

Step One is about becoming clear. One of the greatest obstacles in learning how to forgive is that people do not have a clear understanding of what forgiveness means. Remember that forgiveness focuses on your inner healing and is not necessarily about an outward behavior. It is not about letting someone off the hook. It is about you releasing your emotional pain so that you can have a happier and more fulfilling life. Part of becoming clear about what forgiveness is involves acknowledgment of our need for revenge. This stems back to the notion of an “eye for an eye,” and it is also what our natural tendencies are. If someone attacks us, we feel that justice is not served until there is some form of retribution. We will talk more about this later, but for now we recognize that retribution is only one way to handle a situation and it never gets us what we really want.

The last important issue to think about in this step is your motivation. A lot of emotional healing may need to take place before you are truly ready to forgive. Acknowledging this is healthy and normal. If you understand the true meaning of forgiveness and realize that revenge will not get you what you really want, then you have set the stage for forgiveness. At the beginning of this process, all you need is a little willingness to entertain the idea that forgiveness can be an option in terms of what you would like to do. A little willingness means that you are receptive to the idea of forgiveness and are willing to let the forgiveness process work itself out, however long it takes. This includes the willingness to put aside any thoughts of revenge and to focus on healing. That little willingness is what will help you open the door for forgiveness to enter your life when you have done your emotional healing work. What is just described is what step 1 is about.

For your journal exercise for step one focus on getting clear regarding what forgiveness is and why you are thinking about the forgiveness process now. Write down your understanding of what forgiveness means and what is happening in your life right now that may be serving as a catalyst for thinking about forgiveness. Some of you may want to write a revenge fantasy. If you do, ask yourself after you finish your story what you will have gained by revenge. Does revenge complete anything, and what are the repercussions of revenge? Explore revenge and ask what the need for revenge inside of you is saying. Write about how revenge will hurt you and what you will need to do to bring about a little willingness to entertain the thought of forgiveness.

Reflection: For this week’s forgiveness activity for Step One reflect on these questions. What steps can I take that will serve me with insight, compassion and wisdom? How will I deal with facing my issue bravely and with willingness to see the reality of the situation from multiple perspectives? Please share your thoughts on www.facebook.com/7steps to forgiveness, twitter @erborris or www.linkedin.com/in/dreileenborris

As always, I am interested in hearing about your experience and welcome all your comments, so please feel free to share your thoughts on this blog. I am looking forward to hearing from you.

For more information on learning how to forgive go to “Finding Forgiveness: A 7-Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness” by Eileen R. Borris-Dunchunstang

 

Another Brexit Surprise? Salvaging Peace in Colombia after 52 Years of Conflict

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erborris_colombia-voteThe vote to reject the peace agreement with the FARC and the Colombian government has been compared to the fallout from the United Kingdom’s “Brexit” referendum.  The rejection was totally unexpected and the failure to ratify the peace agreement has left Colombian President Juan Manuel Santos and the government of Colombia and the leadership of the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia (known as the FARC) uncertain as to the future of the peace deal which has taken four years of negotiations.

By Dr. Eileen Borris    –  @ERBorris  –    http://DrBorris.com

(Scottsdale, AZ – October 4, 2016) Colombians vote NO!  The vote was rejected by the slimmest of margins 50.2% No versus 49.8% to approve the peace agreement.  This shocking development has people wondering what will happen next sending the rebels and the Colombian government back to the drawing board.  President Juan Manuel Santos is sending Humberto de la Calle, Colombia’s Chief Negotiator, back to Havana to continue negotiations with the leadership of the FARC including Rodrigo “Timochenko” Londoño, the Leader of the FARC.

“The desire for peace is universal and unanimous,” said de la Calle.  “I will continue pursuing the objective of peace in what remains of my life.”

It has been estimated that 250,000 were killed in the 52-year conflict which displaced as many as 8 million people.   Despite reaching the peace agreement, the issue that was the most contentious was the issue of justice.  In the weeks leading up to Sunday’s vote, many Colombians were angered by what they saw as insufficient punishment for those who committed a variety of crimes against their people. Out of more than 13 million votes cast, a margin of less than 54,000 votes decided the defeat of the peace initiative.

How did the majority of Colombia view justice?  Those who voted “no” are holding on to a very narrow view of justice, thinking of justice in a very punitive way. They felt the FARC deserved a lot more jail time and not the minimal jail time proposed in the peace agreement.

re·stor·a·tive jus·tice


noun
a system of criminal justice that focuses on the rehabilitation of offenders through reconciliation with victims and the community at large.

Despite historic peace deal, over half of Colombia was not ready for an alternative form of justice – restorative justice that focuses on the victims by proposing punishments such as community service and restitution, rather than simply putting perpetrators in prison. At the same time, it attempts to bring armed combatants back into society. That may help avoid what has happened in the past – in both Colombia and elsewhere – when former combatants were unable to find new job skills or build homes and returned to organized violence.

Forgiveness sometimes comes at a high price.  For many Colombians, the FARC’s past crimes are too much to forgive. President Santos, who focused so much of his energy in ending the war, is unpopular at home which possibly hurt the acceptance of the peace accords. Former President Alvaro Uribe, who led the “no” campaign, was very opposed to the peace accord especially given that his father was killed by members of the FARC. He garnered many supporters to his side. Others have challenged the legality of the peace agreements especially where it concerned the guaranteed seats in the Colombian Congress for the FARC.

Why should the US care about what happened in Colombia?  Anger is being expressed on the streets of Colombia.  The cease-fire with the FARC is delicate at best.  Peace negotiations have been going on for decades.  Does this sound familiar?  In Colombia, there is so much anger that has not been addressed in an effort to heal this nation, employ multi-track diplomacy, and move forward with peace initiatives. There is a lesson here in the United States. If we don’t start addressing the anger felt by so many Americans, peace will be elusive in this country.

There is a lesson to be learned about the meaning of justice as well. Just like the Colombians, people in the US are crying out for justice, but what kind of justice are they really calling for? Are we just calling out for punishment, looking through a narrow lens of what justice stands for or is there something we can learn about restorative justice? Holding onto an inflexible understanding of justice does not lead to a transformation of the conflict. The way people think needs to become more flexible so that the voices of everyone can be heard and adapted to what is feasible and realistic in the process of resolving the conflict.

Clearly there is a rocky road ahead. In a society where violence has been embedded in its DNA for the last 50 years, and where violence is expected, this monumental shift in what has just happened has caught the attention of all those involved, taking Colombians down a new path in their history. The unpredictability of the situation could still lead to the opening of the doors of hope where forgiveness can take the place of anger with a forward motion towards a peace and reconciliation process in the next phase of Colombian history.  Colombia cannot stay in limbo for very long.

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ABOUT Dr. Eileen Borris

IMG_5070_ppe1INTERNATIONALLY RECOGNIZED AS THE WORLD’S LEADING EXPERT ON THE HEALING OF NATIONS, POLITICAL FORGIVENESS, AND MULTI-TRACK DIPLOMACY.

For over three decades, Dr. Eileen Borris has stood on the front lines of forgiveness from the personal to the political. A renowned psychologist and consultant, Dr. Borris rebuilds countries by ending the cycles of abuse and revenge from centuries past. She leads the charge by training high profile individuals and groups including diplomats, peacekeepers, and humanitarian organizations.  Dr. Borris has been invited to create and instruct peace-building programs in more than fifteen of the most unstable and war-torn countries. She has taught at the most prestigious universities in the world, including Thunderbird School of Global Management, where she works today, delivered multiple addresses to the United Nations, and has written two highly acclaimed books on the topic of forgiveness. A native New Yorker, Eileen Borris received both her Masters degree (1972) and her doctorate in psychology (1985) from Columbia University. @ERBorris DrBorris@DrBorris.com
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