Borderline Mothers, Abusive Fathers. How Do Daughters Survive?
A mother is the anchor of her child’s life. By acting as a role model and providing a solid base of support, she nurtures and helps her children grow from total dependence to beautifully independent adults. But what if your mother has a borderline personality disorder? What if she rages out of control and catches you in a sea of emotion? Then the dance begins. You want the closeness, and she pushes you away. She then draws you in, and at times you cannot break away. So much drama, so much trauma, and so much forgiveness needed.
Borderline Mothers and Parva’s Story
It is a difficult thing to carry the belief that, at times, your mother hated you and took those feelings with her to her grave. This was Parva Moshiri’s story. As a child, how can you take responsibility for a mother? How can you heal and forgive a mother when you realize you don’t have a mother? It is particularly difficult to forgive a parent who wasn’t able to parent and is so capable of being cruel. Yet despite her mother’s behavior, Parva was her caretaker in later years.
In Parva’s case, she never entertained the thought of forgiveness. But when the idea finally entered her mind, Parva began to think about how she would feel if she could forgive and let go. Could this emotional burden that she was carrying ever be lifted? Then one evening, Parva was sitting in her backyard when, for no reason, she began thinking about the good side of her mother. She realized that her mother wasn’t all bad and that she really did love her and took care of her the best way she knew how. She also realized that she herself turned out okay. When her perspective changed, she was able to forgive.
Wow! When we understand what forgiveness really means, that it is a choice we make, and that we can “change the channel” and see things differently, we can begin to release our emotional pain. Are we going to focus on the woundedness of that person, or are we going to see it more fully, recognize that there was goodness as well, and let that goodness stay with us? This is what Parva did.
Abusive Fathers and Judith’s story
Like Borderline mothers, toxic fathers can leave a long-term emotional and psychological impact through their consistently harmful and abusive behavior. This was Judith’s story. While she can now talk about her father with love in her heart, that wasn’t always the case. She grew up in a dysfunctional family with a father who was dominant and aggressive most of the time. Judith was never allowed to have emotions, and if any feelings slipped out, her father became angry, so her feelings were tucked away.
Judith’s mother felt so ashamed and depressed that she attempted to take her own life—but luckily, Judith was there to talk her out of it. At that time roles were reversed, and Judith became the caregiver for her mother, while also dealing with an absent father and caring for her younger siblings. The fighting in the house got so bad that Judith could only sleep with her headset on, listening to the heavy metal band Metallica as loud as she could. Things were so bad that she found the music calming!
When Judith was 25, her mother passed away after a long illness. Two years later Judith moved to Buenos Aires, and, although she didn’t speak the language yet, she needed to move away from the family drama. Finally having some time for herself, she began to experience anger within, the anger she had repressed for so many years. She tried to run it off, literally, starting with 5K runs, then 10K, 21K, and finally an entire marathon, but even at that finish line, she was still angry.
Judith realized that she finally had to face her anger and began asking herself questions. “Did I really think my father had bad intentions?” Her ego’s answer was, “Yes, of course, because otherwise, why would he have done this?” But then she lingered with the question a few days longer and had to admit to herself, “Nah, I don’t really think so, right?” He did the same thing with anybody else in the environment. Her father chased away everybody who loved him. So no, it wasn’t personal.
It took years, but at the moment when Judith felt like she had forgiven him, her mother showed up in a dream. She didn’t say anything, but her smile was saying everything, like, “It’s okay, Judith. I’m fine. I’m good. You can now let it go.”
The relationship with Judith’s father never became easy, because he didn’t change—but Judith did. She set clear boundaries to protect herself, and when new incidents would happen, Judith was able to forgive more quickly. At the end of her father’s life, Judith chose to take care of him, being true to herself in wanting to show him love before his passing.
From Failed Survival Strategies to Shared Humanity
These beautiful stories illustrate a pattern that seems to emerge with people. When we get angry, we sometimes deny the anger or run away from it. Unfortunately that trauma stays with you until you finally get to a point of saying, “Hey, it’s not going anywhere and I’m tired of this. Enough is enough. There has to be a better way.” This becomes that turning point for so many people.
Another issue is that we feel our hurt is something unique and special. We don’t recognize just how much suffering there is everywhere, and we exaggerate our own and minimize everyone else’s so we can stay stuck. And that is one of the biggest obstacles: we keep on telling this self-pitying, self-centered story over and over again, and we can keep it going for years and decades until something happens to shift the story.
This was so true for Judith. And at the same she felt the opposite: For years she minimized her own situation, hurt and suffering, since it was her “normal.” She saw everyone else’s hurt as way more serious. It took her years to see and admit that what happened wasn’t okay.
It is so easy to stay stuck in the victim role. We think, “I’m the innocent one here, you’re to blame.” Believing that we are innocent and morally superior is a major obstacle to our healing until we realize, no, we’re not so innocent either; we’re human; we make mistakes. Once we begin to acknowledge our humanness, we can begin to see that in other people, too.
What was most touching about these stories was how both Parva and Judith chose to take care of their parents in spite of their hurtful parenting. Both women held onto their humanity, what it means to be deeply human. Their actions were remarkable. The lesson is that you can be a very loving human being and still set appropriate boundaries. This kind of message is what can help heal this world. This is also at the heart of forgiveness. On the other side of forgiveness is peace and freedom—and when people get to the other side, that’s when they can look back and say, “My goodness, this journey was really worth it.”
To hear Parva and Judith’s story in their own words, check out my latest podcast episode, Healing Dysfunctional Families Through Compassion and Forgiveness. Subscribe to Voices of Peace: Personal Forgiveness on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.
