The Heat of Resistance Meets the Cool of Dialogue

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Within groups in the peacebuilding community there are differing opinions as to what needs to happen and how to deal with the current authoritarian resurgence. Do we need to heat things up, resist and cry out for social justice or do we need to cool things down and work towards bringing people together in a healing capacity. People are taking different approaches as to what needs to happen.

Shaking Things up With Resistance

In my most recent podcast, Julia Roig spoke of these tensions in the peacebuilding field where some groups want to heat things up through resistance, while others want to cool things down through such means as focused dialogue. We witnessed Senator Cory Booker heating things up in his 25-hour, record-breaking speech with the intention of disrupting business as usual in the United States Senate. There were also  Republican leaders standing up for farmers on the receiving end of the tariff policies in rural America. We are now beginning to see a movement within the Democratic Party as leaders shift from trying to find common ground with Republicans to standing their own ground and articulating their own vision. The barn-burning speech recently given by Democratic Illinois governor J.B. Pritzker is an example of that, as he urged Democrats to stop listening to the over cautious “do-nothing political types,” when Americans need to take urgent action and fight everywhere and all at once.

Rallies have been taking place throughout the 50 states, which include civil rights organizations, labor unions, Federal workers, veterans, and LGBTQIA+ advocates, to name a few. People from all walks of life are having a change of heart and want to be part of a different future for our country — we need to create on-ramps for their acceptance and welcome them into the broadest possible movement. As Reverend C.T. Vivian, aide to Dr. Martin Luther King said: “When you ask people to give up hate, then you need to be there for them when they do.” Government is meant to work for all of us.

So where does a process of political forgiveness fit within all of this, and how do we work through tension and conflict to offer viable pathways for acknowledgement, healing, and reconciliation? Given the political climate we’re living through with the dismantling of our democracy, it’s more important than ever to find ways to come together. How can change and accountability be pursued without alienating each other? How we deal with the pain and harm done to all of us will determine our future together, raising the potential of bringing us closer together with greater clarity and profound healing.

An Historical Accounting

Raising the heat is not about initiating violence. It is about shaking people out of complacency. It is about getting people to recognize harm done and to acknowledge the role all of us are playing. This builds tension between those who want to raise the heat and those who want to cool things off and bring people together. But what about a framework that can do both? It begins with a resistance movement to heat things up so we come out of denial. Only then can we heal anger and hate on the path to forgiveness and societal change. We have seen resistance in civil rights movements that grabs people’s attention. In a justice-seeking framework such as a truth and reconciliation commission, we’ve seen there needs to be an historical account of what has taken place, an acknowledgment of crimes and injustices committed, and which continue to happen, before there can be reconciliation or an agreement of non-repetition.

“When you ask people to give up hate, then you need to be there for them when they do.”  — Reverend C.T. Vivian, aide to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

In a political forgiveness process groups must agree to stop the harm before coming together. In order to do that, there may be a need for resistance as a first step. In a political forgiveness process stories need to be told that provide historical context and a sharing of lived experiences before moving toward forgiveness. There needs to be recognition of the injustice that took place and perhaps acknowledgment of the existential nature which created the conditions for people to do horrific things to one another. People will need to be held accountable for actions taken and then come together in making decisions as to how to repair the community. Only then can new relationships can be formed and forgiveness offered.

Not everyone will be ready to do this kind of work — to share the historical framework that shaped who they are — which not only requires sharing the psychological landscape from which they came, but also being willing to go deep within themselves emotionally, grieving the losses and what they wish could have been, in order to make peace with the past. Deep healing takes time; this work cannot be rushed. Empathy for someone else can’t be given if we can’t get in touch with our own pain. Only after we become aware of our humanness can we understand the humanity of the “other.” It is only then that we will be able to find each other across differences, hear the diversity of lived experiences, and find a way of moving forward together.

SOURCES

Heather Cox Richardson, April 29, 2025, Substack

The Practice of Forgiveness With Dr. Loren Toussaint

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Does time really heal all wounds? In this engaging podcast episode, host Eileen Borris talks with health psychologist Loren Toussaint about the multifaceted nature of forgiveness. They discuss how forgiveness is an intentional process akin to developing healthy habits, debunking the myth that time heals all wounds. The conversation delves into how forgiveness can be practiced daily to improve mental health and social relationships.

Eileen and Loren also explore the role of spirituality in forgiveness and the applicability of forgiveness principles in building cohesive communities. The episode aims to elevate understanding and practice of forgiveness in both personal and political spheres as a means to foster social change.

Dr. Loren Toussaint is a professor of psychology at Luther College in Decorah, Iowa. His research examines and encourages “everyday forgiveness” to build resilience and minimize stress in families, schools, healthcare, workplaces, and communities. Everyday forgiveness is taught through the Forgiveness Foundation which is an education and outreach organization emphasizing the role of forgiveness in building resilience and encouraging personal growth. Dr. Toussaint and colleagues recently published a compendium of research titled: Forgiveness and Health: Scientific Evidence and Theories Relating Forgiveness to Better Health.

Where to Find Dr. Toussaint

Facebook: @loren.toussaint

Twitter: @LorenToussaint

LinkedIn: Loren Toussaint

Email: touslo01@luther.edu

forgivenessfoundation.org

luther.edu/faculty/loren-toussaint

 

Dr. Eileen Borris is a clinical and political psychologist who has pioneered the concept of political forgiveness on the individual, community and national level. She has addressed the United Nations and has worked for over 30 years to build peace in areas of conflict around the world, including Rwanda, South Africa, Liberia, Nigeria, Ethiopia, and the Middle East. Eileen is the author of Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness and the creator of Healing the Divide, a program that trains leaders and other individuals interested in applying the principles of political forgiveness to transform their lives and create social change.

Be Part of Eileen’s Community

Subscribe to the Political Forgiveness newsletter at drborris.com or on LinkedIn.

Subscribe to the Political Forgiveness podcast on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Book: Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness

 

00:00 Introduction to Political Forgiveness

00:45 Meet Loren Toussaint: Expert on Forgiveness

01:20 Defining Forgiveness: Beyond Letting Go

04:58 The Intentionality of Forgiveness

07:16 Forgiveness as a Daily Practice

12:33 Building Forgiving Communities

21:22 Spiritual Foundations of Forgiveness

31:45 Final Thoughts and Contact Information

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Forgiveness and Social Change

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Humanity finds itself at a crossroads. Will we let our anger and fear guide us, or will we take a breath and recognize there’s a better way to handle the emotional turmoil so many of us are experiencing. We do have the tools within ourselves to see a larger picture of what’s really happening within our world and make changes to have a healing effect, not a divisive one.

All of us have flaws. All of us are afraid and feel that we have been treated unfairly. That is part of the human condition—but acting out anger to hurt others doesn’t have to be our default. Anger does serve a purpose. Either something within ourselves or outside ourselves needs to change and therefore we need to take responsibility for our lives and our world. But responsibility doesn’t imply being hateful and uncaring. It doesn’t mean denying the pain and suffering people are feeling and unwillingness to understand the experiences of others for fear that something is being taken away from us. We’re all in this world together, and the choices we make bring either comfort to one another or pain and suffering. This is why building skills of forgiveness in our personal lives becomes critical.

Political philosopher Hannah Arendt in her book The Human Condition writes, “Without being forgiven, released from the consequences of what we have done, our capacity to act would be confined to a single deed.” The beauty of forgiveness, as noted by Arendt, is that forgiveness interrupts otherwise automatic processes. Forgiveness allows people to break away from violence and helps to create new relationships. The willingness for us to forgive is what holds us together—not only in our private lives but also in the public sphere—for forgiveness is as vital in our deepest personal bonds as in our collective experience in the public realm. Poet and philosopher David Whyte speaks of forgiveness as assuming a larger identity than the person who was first hurt.

What does forgiveness do as a political tool? It becomes the healing mechanism for actions we cannot reverse. Although forgiveness is seen by many as an act of compassion in response to something done to us, Arendt believes that forgiveness is an activity of politics. Understanding that certain actions cannot be undone, forgiveness is the only mechanism which can release us from the past.

“The power to forgive, like the power to enter into new social covenants, is an essential power for social change,” says Arendt. Holding on to the overpowering undertow of revenge, hostility, and resentment can tie up a society its own past. We can condemn the actions while continuing to talk to those who perpetrated the actions. This kind of power is what builds and maintains societies. It is liken to the power attributed to God in which he/she must reconcile the ‘conflicting truths’ of hatred for the sin and love for the sinner. Any power that affects reconciliation is a very significant power. What political task is more difficult than to build social relationships between humans who have a history of offenses against each other?

In The Politics of Peace, Brian Frost speaks of forgiveness in the following terms:

The power to combine justice and love in an act of forgiveness is an awesome power, supremely in the God of Abraham and the God of Jesus. But, as we have seen, if for Jesus, too, the divine power to forgive was unique, it was not exclusive. Humans now must share that power towards each other. To refuse to forgive is to refuse to repair a broken relationship. To forgive is to save that relationship. In the “divine comedy” that plays out its course down to the end of the historical tragedies of humanity, forgiveness is the way of divine victory (my italics).

Frost continues to say that in terms of the Hebrew-Christian view of the world, “broken human beings are more valuable than the laws that they break or that break them. Most valuable of all is an act which restores law’s authority while also healing the human brokenness. Forgiveness is that act.”

Sacred traditions have a deep understanding of human psychology and tell us that the development of the ego is not the final state of human evolution. Sacred traditions originate with people revered as highly developed, whose wisdom and insight far surpass that of ordinary mortals. Thus, the idea that humans can grow beyond ego to divine self-transcendence is crucial to our understanding of forgiveness. If ego is that state of consciousness which seeks to dominate, conquer, and control, then the cure for violence and hatred is expanding consciousness beyond ego. True happiness can only be found through a sense of wholeness and harmony with others and the environment. Our thought system, because of the psychological dynamics it sets up, creates feelings and illusions of separation. The consequence is that we cannot experience our wholeness. This thought system is transformed not through repression or regression, but through transcendence of the illusion of separate selfhood. The process which makes transcendence possible is one which helps us grow in our wholeness, owning our disowned selves, and healing our guilt and fear. It is the process of forgiveness.

The ageless wisdom gives us insight into the evolution of consciousness. This evolution is based on the recognition of the divine nature of humanity. It is also closely tied in with the recognition of our natural goodness and our ability to know unconditional love. Humanity is at a turning point and to face the present challenges we need to grow psychologically and spiritually. Perhaps in humanity’s struggle and the realization that violence and condemnation are creating more pain and suffering we will learn to make different choices. Sometimes our greatest advances may come from our seemingly greatest mistakes. With free will, we will realize that it is not out of coercion or fixed determination but of the power of love that our best choices will be made.

The Power of Forgiveness With Dr. Fred Luskin

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How do you move beyond grievance to become an active creator in your own life? Dr. Eileen Borris interviews Dr. Fred Luskin to break down common myths around forgiveness. They discuss how an Amish community forgave a shooter who murdered five schoolchildren. If you weren’t born into a culture of forgiveness like the Amish, Fred talks about the building blocks of forgiveness to get you started. It is possible to step out of victimhood and open to the beauty, preciousness, and gratitude of this life.

Dr. Fred Luskin is the director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects. He’s also the author of the bestselling books, Forgive for Good and Forgive for Love. Forgive for Good is the best-selling self-help book published on the topic of forgiveness. Fred has been interviewed hundreds of times in worldwide media, including the New York Times, O Magazine, the Los Angeles Times, Time Magazine, Huffington Post, and he has been featured on the Today Show and CBS Morning News. Learn more at fredluskin.com.

Dr. Eileen Borris is a clinical and political psychologist who has pioneered the concept of political forgiveness on the individual, community, and national level. She has addressed the United Nations and has worked for over 30 years to build peace in areas of conflict around the world, including Rwanda, South Africa, Liberia, Nigeria, Ethiopia, and the Middle East. Eileen is the creator of Healing the Divide, a program that trains leaders and other individuals interested in applying the principles of political forgiveness to transform their lives and create social change.

Subscribe to the Political Forgiveness newsletter at drborris.com or on LinkedIn.

Subscribe to the Political Forgiveness podcast on YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Facebook: @DrEileenBorris

Book: Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness

Timecodes

00:00 Introduction to Political Forgiveness

00:43 Meet Dr. Fred Luskin

01:40 The Culture of Grievance

09:20 Understanding Forgiveness

11:06 The Role of Victimhood and Anger

13:29 Forgiveness in Communities

15:26 Daily Practice of Forgiveness

17:32 Forgiveness in Relationships

26:52 The Teachability of Forgiveness

29:40 Conclusion and Resources

 

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Forgiveness is the Highest Form of Love

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February is a month people are thinking about love. There are all types of love — from the love of your pet to a best friend to the romantic love towards your significant other. But the highest form of love is that of forgiveness. Forgiveness teaches us about unconditional love. It is not only loving those who are easy to love and who are close to us, but it allows us to love those who are opposite from us and hold views different from us — possibly even those who have done great harm to us.

It is through forgiveness that we learn about ourselves. We become aware of the lens we choose to see the world through, recognizing that what we see in others is what is so hard for us to see within ourselves. When we own that, we are beginning to see someone else in a different light, a more forgiving light. Even when taking a very small step, this begins to open our hearts and light a spark of love within ourselves that touches a deeper love: that of our humanity. It goes directly to the unity that connects all of us — to a higher awareness of the truth of who we are — human beings coming from the same creative source and whose inner being is a spiritual essence.

To learn to love deeply requires forgiveness to become a practice. Most people think of forgiveness as a one-time event. But speak to someone who has had a very painful experience, yet sincerely wanted to let go of their anger and pain and chose forgiveness. They will tell you it was a process, and it took time to work through the grief to get to the other side and to finally be able to forgive. It is this kind of commitment to the work of forgiveness that will change us. And it is this kind of work which helps us shift into a higher form of consciousness where our default is not anger or the need for revenge, but wanting to understand where this person is coming from, and what was the psychological landscape that brought this person to where he or she is today. This kind of thinking will help us see our world with greater understanding, compassion, empathy, and, yes, possibly love for what we all struggle with: the human condition. What greater love is there than giving someone total acceptance of who we are as human beings, recognizing that within all of us is a spiritual being, however deeply buried that may be. This is the essence of deeply held love.

The poet Alexander Pope once wrote, “To err is human, to forgive divine.” Forgiveness is one of the most difficult things we are asked to do, and at times it can feel impossible. Yet even in today’s world, where we hear so much talk about revenge and retribution, some people manage to forgive with amazing grace.

A Forgiveness Story: The Amish Community at Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania

One such story, which has touched many of us, happened on October 2, 2005, when Carl Roberts entered a one-room schoolhouse in the Amish community of Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania. He lined up 11 young girls and shot them at point-blank range. Roberts killed five of the girls and then killed himself. In an amazing act of courage the oldest girl, 13-year-old Marian Fisher asked Roberts to shoot her first. She hoped that she could spare the lives of the younger girls. And what was even more remarkable was that, just a few hours after the shooting, an Amish neighbor went to the Roberts family to comfort them and to offer forgiveness.

A grandfather of one of the girls killed was telling the boys to forgive what had just happened as they prepared the body of one of the little girls for burial. Five days later the families who lost their daughters attended the funeral of the man who had killed them. They went not in anger or for retribution, but to comfort the family and let them know that all was forgiven.

How were the Amish able to forgive? It was because the Amish have an enormous capacity to see things differently. Forgiveness is woven into the fabric of the Amish way of life. The more we are willing to entertain the thought of forgiveness, the more we, too, can experience it. The Amish never lost sight of the fact that, above all else, Roberts was a human being. They did not vilify him, and they were able to see beyond Robert’s actions and recognize not only his weaknesses but his goodness. They were able to see beyond their egos to what can be called seeing with spiritual sight. This gave the Amish the ability to sympathize with his family for their loss and move forward with compassion and not vengeful hate. This is one of the keys to learning how to forgive, looking past the outer behavior and understanding there is a spiritual essence within all of us.

Forgiveness as Grace and Healing

Forgiveness is not about letting someone off the hook. It is about your personal inner healing. It is about being able to tell your story, to listen to the wisdom of what your anger has to say and recognizing there is more to the story. On a deeper level it is about changing the way we think, which includes embracing our spiritual nature and the spiritual nature of even those who have hurt us. The process of forgiveness helps us to understand the pain and suffering of others, especially when we can say, “Why them?” instead of “Why me?” What has happened in their lives which has made them who they are today?

As we struggle with our own difficulties in being able to forgive, we also open ourselves up to a benevolent force which is far more powerful than we could ever be. This creative force, that is sometimes experienced as grace, is that inexplicable power which comes from something beyond us. This power gives us the ability to forgive, even when we feel within our hearts forgiveness is humanly impossible. When it happens, you can feel the power and presence of a higher intervention which transforms your relationships as you experience an outpouring of this inexplicable love.

This is the love which enabled the Amish to pray for everyone involved in what took place on October 2, not only for the innocent little girls who got killed and those still to recover, but for the killer himself. They knew expressing love would bring about healing for all those concerned, whereas taking on the same resentment as the attacker would only support evil and allow it to spread.

As we think about what it means to love and be loved this month, ask yourself — are you ready to embark on a journey which may be difficult at times but which can give you something that is a most precious gift: love itself. For if you really think about why we are here it is not necessarily to amass wealth or power, but to love and be loved. Happy Valentines Day!

Jimmy Carter: A Man Who Knew Forgiveness

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Jimmy Carter was a complicated man, a humble peacemaker, and he could also be fiercely competitive. He held on to grievances and yet he was also a Baptist Sunday school teacher who believed in forgiveness and recognized the good in people. This added to the complexity of who Jimmy Carter was.

Carter had many political rivals who he held strong emotions towards. Gerald Ford, Edward Kennedy, and the Clintons were just a few of the difficult relationships. During his 1976 presidential run, Carter spoke of Ford as being “incompetent, and his policies morally and politically and intellectually bankrupt,” as reported by The Washington Post. Over time Carter had a change of heart, which can only come about through a practice of forgiveness. He came to praise Ford as reflected in his inaugural address: “For myself and for our nation, I want to thank my predecessor for all he has done to heal our land.” Carter received a standing ovation for his kind words. Later these men began working closely together as well as becoming very intimate friends.

Carter described his relationship with Ford “as the closest bond between any two former presidents,” both of whom made a pact that the one who lived longer would speak at the other’s funeral. In 2006 it was Carter who spoke at Ford’s funeral. The men and both their wives had become exceptionally close. Carter’s words at the funeral reflected his feelings in saying, “The four of us learned to love each other,” as Betty Ford nodded and Rosalynn Carter dabbed tears from her eyes. In January of 2025, during Carter’s funeral, Steven Ford read the eulogy his father wrote, which spoke of his love and appreciation for Carter.

The same two men once traded insults and accusations as they competed for the presidency. But The Washington Post reported that, at the funeral for the 39th president, the 38th president eulogized: “Now is a time to say goodbye, our grief comforted with the joy and the thanksgiving of knowing this man, this beloved man, this very special man. He has given the gift of years, and the American people and the people of the world will be forever blessed by his decades of good works. Jimmy Carter’s legacy of peace and compassion will remain unique as it is timeless.” This relationship speaks to the power of forgiveness, which Jimmy Carter embraced.

Although Carter did not make peace with all his political opponents, he was determined to reconcile with as many as he could. With Ford, fences mended quickly. With Edward Kennedy reconciliation came more slowly. Perhaps it was Carter’s recognition of how politics was dividing the nation that made him realize the importance of “cleaning up his own house,” his own personal fractures, one at a time. The consciousness of forgiveness is who he was, and he understood the importance of building relationships, especially in the political world.

The Camp David Peace Accords

The Camp David peace accords was Carters most lasting achievement. It was Ford who helped Carter build a relationship with Egyptian president Anwar Sadat, which began to pave the way for the Camp David peace accords. Between January 1977 and September 1978 President Carter worked closely with Sadat and Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin to find a way to bring these men to the negotiating table. Carter realized just as the relationship between Egypt and Israel was laden with distrust and doubt, so too was the relationship between Sadat and Begin.

Throughout 1977 there were separate conversations and visits between Carter, Sadat and Begin, without either side budging from their entrenched positions. Finally Carter invited both men to come to Camp David for a series of private talks scheduled in September 1978. There were many heated arguments and a great deal of frustration and disappointment. Toward the end of the talks, Begin’s foreign minister told Sadat that Israel would never compromise on certain major issues. Sadat and his staff began packing their bags and asked for a helicopter to take them back to Washington so they could return home. Carter spoke to Sadat, reminding him of his promises to Carter and the global importance of his role as peacemaker, and convinced the Egyptian president to stay.

By the 13th day the men had reached an impasse. It was now Begin who decided to call it quits. Carter was asked to call for a car so Begin could leave behind Camp David and all possibilities for a real chance at an Israeli-Egyptian peace.

As Begin and his team were packing their bags Carter, knowing the prime minister’s love for his eight grandchildren, personally inscribed each of their names on photographs of the three men taken a week earlier during a visit to Gettysburg, along with messages expressing his hope that one day there would be peace. Carter then walked over to Begin’s cabin and hand delivered the photos. As Begin read the handwritten notes on the photos, his lips began to quiver and his eyes filled with tears. He realized his responsibility to his people, and especially what happens to children in war. According to carterschool.gmu.edu, Begin “put his bags down and said, ‘Mr. President, I’ll make one last try.’ Six months later, in March of 1979, Egypt and Israel signed a peace treaty that would end three decades of violent conflict between both countries.”

The success of the Camp David accords was possible, in part, because all three men were able to talk to each other directly and deeply and got to know each other as fellow human beings. There was a fraught personal relationship between Begin and Sadat that nearly derailed the entire peace process. It was President Carter’s personal touch and understanding of the importance of relationships in a political peace process that changed the tide of events. He learned the importance of letting go of grievances and the necessity of reconciling with people, which can only happen through the practice of forgiveness. He used this knowledge in developing relationships with others, leading to decades of peace between Israel and Egypt for which Carter was awarded a Nobel Peace Prize in 2002.

Using Power for the Good of Others

Protestant theologian Reinhold Niebuhr once said; “The sad duty of politics is to establish justice in a sinful world.” Carter understood this and recognized that we have a duty to make this world better, but our capacities are limited. He also knew that this country has a soul, that there is good and bad — but what is most important is having the commitment to establishing justice in an unjust world.

We admire Carter, not just for particular policies but for having the ability to amass power and use it for the good of others, leaving the world in a little better place. Yes, there was the Camp David accords and other achievements that happened during Carter’s life, but his greatest gift was showing us how to express our better angels. He rose from a very poor beginning to the pinnacle of power and never strayed from being in touch with himself. He held firmly to his beliefs and what he valued with the recognition that our worth does not come from outside of ourselves, but what is within us. He wanted to make a gentler world and he did. It is now up to us to carry that torch to make this a better country and a more compassionate world.

 

SOURCES

Mary Jordan and Kevin Sullivan, The Washington Post, “Jimmy Carter Made Enemies, then Peace,” December 31, 2024

Toluse Olorunnipa, The Washington Post, “Gerald Ford, in eulogy read by son, calls Carter his ‘old friend,’ ” January 9, 2025

carterschool.gmu.edu, Audrey Williams, “Camp David, Hal Saunders, and Responsibility in Peacemaking,” Accessed January 14, 2025

Reinhold Niebuhr, Love and Justice: Selections from the Shorter Writings of Reinhold Niebuhr, Westminster John Knox Press, 1992

Bringing Families Back Together This Holiday Season

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The election is now over, and in its wake are a lot of unhealed emotions. People are fearful, not knowing the direction the country is going and still trying to process what has happened. Unfortunately, also in its wake is the destruction of relationships, including family members cutting off ties with one another, reducing them just to their vote. We have to remember that a person is more than just their vote, more than their politics and more than just one action.

I was reading a story about Mónica Guzmán, senior fellow for public practice at Braver Angels and committed to bridging the political divide as she recounted what she experienced with a group of friends in Seattle in recent years. Guzmán is a liberal who voted for President Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton in recent years. Her parents are conservatives supporting Trump all the way. When Guzmán got together with her friends she started feeling queasy and uncomfortable when people were describing supporters of Trump as “monsters.” Jokes were being made and other things were being said alluding to Trump supporters as being ignorant, uncaring and even immoral. Even Guzmán herself got caught up in agreement of what was being said as she laughed along with the others. Yet she knew something was wrong. She understood that saying things about others was actually harmful — not just in attacking the “other” side, but even more importantly attacking how we relate to others, which in turn becomes an attack on ourselves. In some respects, Guzmán felt that an attack on Trump voters was also an attack on her parents, people she deeply loved.

More Alike Than We Are Different

In an article for the Washington Examiner titled Our Political Opponents Are Not Our Enemies, journalist Julian Adorney says the data shows we have many values in common across the political spectrum:

In Say It Well, former Obama speechwriter Terry Szuplat cites a recent survey in which “roughly 90% of the people … Republicans and Democrats alike, said that personal responsibility, fair enforcement of the law, compassion, and respect across differences were important to them.” We all share the same underlying values, even if we disagree with our brothers and sisters across the aisle about how these values should manifest in public policy.

We have a culture where there are a lot of narratives that go unchecked, where misinformation spreads like wildfires and where we really don’t know what is in people’s hearts. We believe that our side’s fears are real while the “other” side’s fears are imagined. That’s not true. Each side has a mix of fears that are grounded in reasonable concerns and fears grounded in hyperbole. So what can we do when family members are panicking about what is taking place in our country, or are afraid of being attacked by others, or feeling tension at a family gathering because of other members hold vastly different views?

The first thing is to honor how you feel. We have feelings for a reason. They serve as a barometer of what is happening within us and therefore it would be helpful to ask ourselves why we feel the way we do, and then to reach out to people who have different points of view who also care about you and share your concerns. This can bring us comfort. Now is the time to get out of our silos and reach out to others. We just might learn that our beliefs about what is happening are getting in our way of seeing a more complete picture.

People in Your Life Are Not the Political Leaders They Voted for

In terms of managing relationships, remember that the people in your life are not the political leaders they voted for. Too often this becomes blurred in our minds. Although they may believe in and support what their candidate talks about, they are not Kamala Harris or Donald Trump. There is emotional maturity required here. We have to learn to emotionally self-regulate when someone in our circle of family or friends thinks differently than we do. If we don’t like the way someone voted it is our problem — not theirs. A little understanding here can go a long way. If you can’t explain to someone your understanding of where they are coming from and why they voted the way they did, and they respond positively back to you, you have more work to do. Having said that, there may be times when people may push hard on you, and if this happens it is appropriate to set limits and boundaries.

The glue that will hold us together comes down to this: our shared values and our hopes and dreams for our country. Just because we express different political views doesn’t mean that we don’t have similar values or a moral compass that guides us. It will be our hopes and dreams that will connect us. It is out of our control as to what will happen down the road in our country — yet what is in our control is how we view and treat one another. We need to learn to appreciate how people are feeling without judgment, to understand where people are coming from, and that all of us are hurting in our own ways. And perhaps it is our pain that will also bring us together. Perhaps it is through our feelings that we can begin to relate to one another and recognize the humanity in all of us.

And so, for the holidays instead of holding on to anger and fear in your hearts, recognize that we have choices, including the choice to let go of anger and instead see our world with greater understanding. Walk in your world with a greater willingness to at least try to go deeper in our understanding of one another, to recognize that we can connect with meaningful values, that all of us have felt fear and pain, which now calls for greater love and compassion. This is the meaning of the holiday season, a season based on the consciousness of unconditional love and forgiveness. And if we can hold this consciousness within our hearts this will be a very special holiday, for what we give to others we give to ourselves. Happy holidays everyone.

Opponents Sitting Down Together Build Coalitions and Trust

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I was listening to a wonderful podcast How Do We Get Through This hosted by Tim Phillips, founder of Beyond Conflict, which spoke of how we can navigate through our fears and uncertainty surrounding the upcoming elections and what this means for our future.

Phillips founded Beyond Conflict with the focus of helping emerging democracies in Central and Eastern Europe come to terms with their past and deepen the process of democracy. Later his work expanded into such places as Northern Ireland, El Salvador, Sri Lanka and South Africa. The core of his work in helping leaders confront their past and work towards reconciliation was in shared human experiences. Interestingly this is at the core of a political forgiveness framework.

In his inaugural podcast, Phillips interviews two incredible people: Roelf Meyer, beneficiary and defender of the apartheid system who later experienced a profound change in his thinking, and Mohammed Bhabha a leading ANC activist who suffered under the apartheid systems segregation policies, only to become a key negotiating team member that negotiated the new constitution. Both men were at one time enemies sitting at opposite ends of the political spectrum and who ultimately changed the course of history in their country working together to end apartheid and build a multiracial democracy.

These leaders, who have traversed rough terrain, give us hope that — no matter the results of the election in this country — there is a way we can heal. The first lesson is that it will take courage and coalition building of like-minded people who have similar core values and a common conviction in building a stronger nation. We have already seen this happening with Liz Cheney and Kamala Harris coming together with obviously very different political backgrounds and views, but with the same core values, such as the respect for the rule of law, democratic norms, and for our constitution.

We need to build on this. We need to ask ourselves: Do we all have the same conviction that our democracy is worth fighting for and do we understand what it means if we lose it? As Roelf Meyer shares, it was very important for him, while working with counterpart Cyril Ramaphosa, that they had the same conviction — bringing about a peaceful resolution for their country. In knowing that, they started to believe in each other, which became the key element in their relationship. This belief in one another gave these men the strength to deal with what was in front of them, knowing that all the issues they needed to deal with could be resolved. And this is where we need to do our soul searching. Do we love our country enough to never forsake the core values the United States is built upon and to do what is required of all of us to move forward in peaceful co-existence?

In South Africa, Meyer and Bhabha spoke about the importance of building a center of convergence when the National Party and the ANC decided to work toward building a new multiracial democracy. This center was committed to upholding the constitution, rule of law, and also driven by values that reinforced our humanity. This kind of commitment is currently missing in the United States. The lesson is: If you can find common ground concerning the destiny for the future of our country then you will find what you need to deal with all the challenges that arise.

Another important lesson from these leaders is the importance of getting to know one another, learning how to talk with each other, build trust, and come together in a healing capacity. And that is what the political forgiveness model is about, helping to prepare people to come together and developing skills to help us let go of our grievances and petty anger. We learn to deeply listen to one another in productive dialogues where we begin to understand who we are as human beings. We become aware of obstacles within ourselves that makes it difficult to empathize with the “other.” A political forgiveness program can help leaders move forward with this mindset an associated skills.

We are at a crossroad, and need to understand that, fundamentally, our country is changing; we are at a history-making moment and the choices we make now will have a profound effect on our country which may remain with us for decades. More violence can ensue — or we can come to the realization that we need to deeply listen to and talk with one another and make a commitment to honestly work with one another.

So much more has been said this in this podcast and I hope many of you will take the time to listen to it. It will bring us hope and begin to provide a roadmap of what we can do to face the challenges before us and help build a better country for us all.

Is Political Forgiveness an Antidote to Authoritarianism?

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In his Ted Talk on “How to Spot Authoritarianism,” Ian Bassin shares a story about an urgent message he received which summoned him to pick up a package at a random address late on the evening he was attending the inaugural ball. He was to begin his new job as associate White House counsel with the new administration the following day. So Bassin slipped out of the ball in the rain to retrieve the package. When he arrived at the designated address, the doorman handed him a plastic grocery bag which contained three thick binders. He was to bring them with him to the White House the next day.

For the next three years those binders became Bassin’s bible. These binders were passed down from administration to administration and explained what Bassin could and could not do when performing his duties. It didn’t matter who was the president, the rules — although not legally binding — were consistent. They were traditions, the norms people followed, although people had the choice to follow them or not. After the 2016 election, Bassin and his fellow counsel alumni began to grow concerned wondering what would happen if a president chose not to follow those rules. They watched carefully and began to recognize there was a threat to our democracy. That threat was a possible slide into a form of authoritarianism. They understood that authoritarian movements take hold by the choices we make; we can also make choices that can defeat it.

So what does authoritarianism look like? Authoritarianism takes hold when the executive branch of government politicizes the judiciary, tries to silence the press, and when the leader becomes a cult-like figure in it for personal gain, removing any threats to his power. To achieve this end the propaganda machine is turned on, corruption becomes the fare of the day and intimidation is freely used — often leading to the use of violence. It is a divide-and-conquer strategy.

Most people do not want an authoritarian government nor secretly favor it. Yet because we are living in a turbulent time of immense change and uncertainty, people are feeling anxious about their lives and their future. When we feel that our political lives are in ruin, we may think relief can come from a strong man who can take care of everything. We don’t realize that when this happens our democracy begins to slowly erode. Elected officials begin using legal and institutional means to dismantle the guard rails that have kept democracy intact, which chips away at democracy — something we are seeing in our country today.

But there is hope, and we still have time to stem the tide. As a democracy we have the power to choose — something that autocracies take away. Making choices is not just about going out to vote, although that is important. It is about the countless choices we as Americans make every day, which either support or erode our precious democracy, and which can give us great hope or great concern. The hopefuls are people like Ruby Freeman and her daughter Shaye Moss, Georgia election workers who were falsely accused of tampering with votes and who stood up for what was right in the courts and Congress. Then there are those who make the choice to spread disinformation or undermine government for political gain with the intention of dividing us and creating fear. These feed into the authoritarianism playbook and begin to erode democracy.

Powerful Coalitions in an Age of Rising Authoritarianism

History has been a witness to the rise of authoritarianism. Between World War I and World War II Europe was especially vulnerable. A number of countries in Europe saw the far right as threats to their democracy, and so the mainstream center right decided to unite with their traditionally left opponents to block autocrats from power. Their democracy was saved. Other countries such as Germany made a different choice and we know what happened there.

Authoritarianism thrives on division, fueling an “us versus them” mentality, and creating the toxic polarization the United States is now experiencing. The antidote to this dynamic is for all of us to listen more deeply to each other and to respect one another so people can feel valued and heard, no matter where they stand on political issues. Political forgiveness, a process which can teach us how to let go of grievances and petty anger, can also help us to listen more deeply to one another, learn how to respect one another and unite with one another. This is what can give us hope: In coming together to form powerful coalitions we can turn the tide of authoritarianism. A political forgiveness process can give us the skills and help bridge the divide. In a sense, it is a peacebuilding approach to combatting authoritarianism, bringing down the empathy walls within us to reach out and support one another in meaningful ways. It is in joining with one another that breaks down the wall of authoritarianism and builds a united country. If we choose to meet our neighbors with curiosity and a willingness to connect, our elected officials will eventually do the same.

Those binders that Bassin retrieved that night during the inaugural ball never made it to the next administration: When the new administration came into office there was no one Bassin could give them to who would take them and honor them in the way they were honored in the past. But Bassin is giving them to all of us, reminding us of the norms and traditions that were followed and the importance of the choices we make if we want to preserve and protect our democracy. In a democracy we have choice. In an autocracy there is no choice. Making the right choices strengthens us, making wrong choices can cost us our freedom. Ultimately the choice is ours.

To Forgive or Not to Forgive: That Is the Question

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Anger, grievances, vengeance — we can’t stop hearing about how people are feeling, especially the pain that swirls around us. After a while we begin to feel so emotionally drained that it’s exhausting. Perhaps we’re hearing the barrage of negativity from others, or are holding on tightly to our own grievances. Whatever it is, the emotional undertow is dragging us down.

Perhaps we need to forgive. What? Are you kidding? This may be the dialogue spinning around in your head. But before you try to find the exit door, you may want to stop and think about this for a moment: There are benefits to what many of us find so hard to do. First, we must understand what forgiveness is not and is.

What Forgiveness Is Not

Forgiveness is not about forgetting. When painful events happen to us it is unrealistic to think we can just forget about it. What does happen when we are able to forgive is that we don’t dwell on what has happened and are able to control how we feel about the situation.

Forgiveness also doesn’t mean that you let someone off the hook. People need to be held accountable for their actions. What forgiveness enables us to do is to let go of our emotional pain. Forgiveness is an inner process not an outward action, and this is why just because you can forgive it doesn’t mean that you need to reconcile. Forgiveness is about what is taking place inside of you. Reconciliation involves another person and engaging in building trust. There are times when it’s very possible, and maybe even wise, to forgive someone but not reconcile.

Unfortunately, people often associate forgiveness with weakness. Truth be told, many people are afraid to look within themselves and muster the emotional maturity to change their mindsets about someone else. It is easier for us to attack and blame rather than try to understand what happened and why. For many it is anxiety producing to delve within our own being—something many of us avoid.

Forgiveness is not something that happens quickly, nor is it usually a one-time event. It is an inner process that takes time. Our emotions need to be worked through for us to see a situation differently. Looking within ourselves and being honest with ourselves takes time and courage.

When we are unable to forgive, we are usually holding on to a grievance story, a story someone tells over and over again of being wronged. Grievance causes suffering; the more you focus on your grievance the stronger they become. People begin to ruminate over them, giving power over the grievance. As you continue to replay the incident in your head, what happened in the past only gets uglier. Over time, holding on to grievance can affect your mood, your relationships and your health. But there is a surprising countermeasure to grievance: forgiveness.

What Forgiveness Is

So, what is forgiveness? Forgiveness is a cognitive and emotional process that lessens anger and grievance, the desire for revenge, and helps stop rumination. It is decision, a choice not to see the world through the lens of anger and bitterness, but through a greater understanding. It is choosing to let go of negative emotions toward someone who has harmed you. In so doing, you are taking back control of your emotional well-being and choosing not to be a victim twice over. Forgiveness helps you develop greater awareness, greater insight and better judgment. It gets you out of the past which you cannot change and helps create a new healing narrative, developing a new perspective and a chance for inner peace.

Forgiveness is powerful. It is transformative. What makes that so is our willingness to look within ourselves. And this is what also makes forgiveness frightening. It can bring up feelings of vulnerability and have us question who we truly are, possibly even getting to the core of our identity. Forgiveness arises both from within us and outside the place of hurt. It necessitates a degree of openness and the ability to reach out, beyond ourselves to others, even when we would rather resist engaging with the person who has hurt us. This is what frightens us and, at the same time, this is where forgiveness can be most transformative. Our inward journey that is so necessary, is what enables us to see the humanity of those responsible for our wounding, and when we forgive them, we are sanctioning them back into the world of our common humanity.

Science Confirms the Healing Power of Forgiveness

If for no other reason, to be willing to forgive is very pragmatic. There have been numerous scientific studies which have highlighted the healing power of forgiveness. These studies focusing on forgiveness training have shown a reduction in stress, depression, anxiety, and anger, and an increase in hopefulness, spiritual connection, better relationships and mental and physical well-being. Learning to forgive can have a healing effect on such illnesses as cardiovascular disease and cancer. Preliminary studies from research in allied fields such as psychology, medicine, and religion show that feeling more positive emotions such as gratitude, faith, and care have a positive impact on cardiovascular function.

Neuroscientists have also become interested in the neural systems of forgiveness. According to The Neural System of Forgiveness: An Evolutionary Psychological Perspective, forgiveness systems regulate interpersonal motivation toward a transgressor in the wake of harm by weighing multiple factors that influence both the potential gains of future interaction with the transgressor and the likelihood of harm.

In other words, is this relationship worth keeping in the future or not and if so, can we now forgive that person based on the worthiness and safety of the relationship. The article also describes in scientific terms what is going on in people’s brains when they are in the mindset of unforgiveness. Their focus was on neuroscientific research that links desire for vengeance to reward-based areas of the brain that singles out prefrontal areas likely associated with inhibition of vengeful feelings and that correlates the activity of the intentions and blameworthiness of those who commit harm. The neuroscientific findings presented here identify neural systems that may reflect the computational systems posited by the evolutionary model. (ibid.)

What does this mean for a political forgiveness process? When people enter into a political forgiveness process, most often they are stuck ruminating about their anger and grievances. These are the underlying emotions we need to be conscious of, emotions which other conflict resolution frameworks do not deal with. When you forgive, it leads to changes in your brain that improves your ability to regulate emotions and reactions. Activity in the amygdala, which processes fear and anger, decreases. Areas linked to empathy, positive feelings and emotional control become more active. This rewiring makes you less reactive and more compassionate over time. Forgiveness may also work by changing how the brain interprets and responds to social transgressions. Research addresses the importance of forgiveness not only in enhancing mental health but also in fostering social harmony which speaks to the importance of a political forgiveness process. A political forgiveness process deals directly with emotions that have fueled conflict, such as anger and the need for revenge, with the goal of healing these emotions and moving people away from the desire for revenge to a desire for something more positive. A political forgiveness process is directed toward helping people transition out of an unforgiving mindset and becoming more aware when they are in a mindset of unforgiveness. No other peacebuilding framework deals directly with this. Political forgiveness is a powerful tool for healing and a process that, when people are engaged, can lead to a more peaceful world.

SOURCES

The Neural System of Forgiveness: An Evolutionary Psychological Perspective, Joseph Billingsley, Elizabeth A. R. Losin, Frontiers in Psychology, 8:737. Doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00737.)