Forgiving Illness in Ourselves and Those We Love

All of us at one point in our lives deal with illness, and for many, it could be a chronic illness or a life-threatening illness. For all of us, we will ultimately face an illness that brings us to the end of our lives. We may also be caregivers for someone dear to us who is grappling with an illness. I had the good fortune of talking to two beautiful women: Karen Krebs, a cancer survivor, and Barbara Hunt, who spent time as a caregiver to her mother as she was dealing with MS.

Karen Krebs’ Story

When Karen was diagnosed with cancer the first time around, it made her step back and recognize the importance of taking care of herself. She had been caring for her 91-year-old mother and now swore to her daughters and herself that she needed to be number 1. After taking a trip to Bali with some friends, Karen had an epiphany. She was going to move from Las Vegas to Seattle to be closer to her adult children and grandson, only to realize she needed to bring her 93-year-old father with her and become his caregiver. The vow to take care of herself first flew out the window. Cancer reared its ugly head once again. Karen, realizing she was still putting herself last, and now dealing with a second bout of cancer, became an emotional wreck. She felt she had failed her body and could not forgive, especially herself.

Cancer Patient Research: Guided Imagery and Music

Karen’s story rang true to me. My mother was dealing with cancer at the time I was in graduate school, working on my doctorate in psychology. Since cancer was such a big part of my life, I became very interested in understanding if there was a certain psychological make-up of individuals dealing with breast cancer. According to the research, there was a particular pattern: Women tended to put other people’s needs first, while often being out of touch with their own. I created what could be described as a musical Rorschach. I asked the study participants to describe the imagery they experienced while listening to music in a relaxed state. I wanted to see if I could differentiate cancer patients from the clinically depressed and the normal population to see if there was any difference in the imagery that was reported. In fact, there was a discernible difference. Cancer patients seem to have fewer images with less emotional content than the other two populations.

I continued to work with these women after the study using a process called Guided Imagery and Music (GIM). Over time, a common theme began to emerge. The women realized that they were so busy taking care of others that they neglected themselves, not recognizing that they even had needs of their own or how badly they had shortchanged themselves. As we began working more deeply, they realized they needed to learn to love and care for themselves, which meant there were times when it was okay not to put others first. For many, this became a very important journey to self forgiveness.

This was Karen’s story. She not only needed to learn how to forgive herself, she also realized that she did not create her cancer, that cancer was not her fault and that her biggest lesson was to stop blaming herself, especially for something that was out of her control.

Barbara Hunt and Her Mother

Barbara Hunt had a very different story. When Barbara was 15, her mother started to have symptoms of multiple sclerosis. By the time she was 18, her mother was in a wheelchair, and by the time Barbara was 20, she left her university to help at home. Barbara was helping with her mother’s basic functions, such as feeding her and helping her to the bathroom. In some regards, it was a bit of a shock for Barbara, and eventually she went back to her university, and her mother was taken to a nursing home, where she spent the last eight years of her life. Barbara felt like she had no mother, even though her mother was still alive.

A while later, Barbara was taking a personal training class, and one of the exercises was listing resentments. A thought crossed Barbara’s mind that she might be holding resentments towards her mother, and then she realized that instead of dealing with her mother’s illness, she shut down and was in emotional denial. She didn’t want to admit that, in fact, she did have resentment. That is what sent Barbara on a journey of forgiveness. Barbara realized that she felt that she wasn’t allowed to express her true feelings, that she had to be the dutiful daughter. This was similar to how Karen was feeling, taking care of her 94-year-old father.

Conflicted Caregiving

So how did both of these women overcome their obstacles to forgiveness, to forgive becoming ill, and for the conflicting emotions that we experience in caring for our loved ones?

What was missing in these narratives is that we have a choice. We don’t have to do something if there is a should or have to. The other side of the coin is when we choose to take care of another human being willingly; that is one of life’s most praiseworthy and noble qualities and needs to be honored. To spend time with someone who is in pain and unable to help themselves is one of the most profound ways to show love for another and can be a beautiful choice. This has so much to do with forgiveness, because once we’ve made a choice, it changes the way we feel about what we are doing. This is when a choice becomes a blessing. When you are clear about the choices you are making, the obstacles to forgiveness lessen.

We also need to look at the meaning we are giving to the event, to watch our thinking about what is taking place, all of which colors the way we feel. These are the cognitive and emotional pieces of our work. This is how we change our attitudes. And it is okay to set boundaries as a loving way to take care of yourself.

The Message in Resentment

It’s at the moment when we feel resentful that we need to remind ourselves of our choices. We can quiet ourselves, listen to our resentments, recognize that they are telling us something we need to hear, and, with that, we can make different choices. With unforgiveness, we make it seem as though we have fewer choices. Recognizing that we have a choice lessens unforgiveness.

This is where forgiveness becomes a spiritual pursuit. It makes us take stock of ourselves and look at our shadow side, recognizing how much is really coming from us. We need to be in the present moment to be aware of our feelings and take responsibility for the difficult things required of us. And to remember forgiveness is a master spiritual discipline and the secret to having a healthy and happy life.

To hear Karen’s and Barbara’s story in thier own words, check out my latest podcast episode, Conflicted Caregiving: Forgiving Illness. Subscribe to Voices of Peace: Personal Forgiveness on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.