Tag Archive for: forgiveness

“Love and Compassion are necessities, Not Luxuries. Without them Humanity Cannot Survive.”

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Picture of the Dalai Lama

Source: https://www.gazettenet.com/Tibetan-events-26685261

“Love and Compassion are necessities, Not Luxuries. Without them Humanity Cannot Survive.”
HH The Dalai Lama

I was talking to a dear friend of mine, Father Leonel Narváez who has been very involved with the issues of political forgiveness especially in Colombia, his home. I asked him what was his inspiration for his tireless work in forgiveness. What he said was no surprise.

“The importance of forgiveness came to me when riding my bike through a cemetery. I was thinking about death and our finite life. If you are able to understand that your life will end you would understand why you should not hold on to hate and realize that anger and hate are such a burden.”

As he shared these words it reminded me of something else. I remembered reading a book written by a hospice doctor, Dr. John Lerma. In his book Dr. Lerma shared stories from people nearing death. Their messages where all very similar. They talked in depth about the importance for self-love and self-forgiveness and to have loving relationships while here on earth. They too reminded us that everyone here has a purpose – which is to learn how to love unconditionally and to forgive – and that unconditional love and random acts of kindness raise the vibrational level of humanity and spiritual growth for all of us here on earth. These stories were not only mystifying, but very healing and uplifting. Dr. Lerma’s conversation with his hospice patients, at the border between life and death, gives us all something to contemplate.

Abstract photo of compassion

Gregg Braden in his book “Walking Between the Worlds: Science of Compassion,” describes the opportunity forgiveness brings to all of us.

“We are the ones who determine how much anger and hatred we will experience in our lives, as well as how much compassion and forgiveness we will extend to others. We have been given opportunities to hate and the wisdom to transcend our hate. Think of the personal power we must have to move beyond old choices and to respond to life from a place of spiritual wisdom. Our pain and suffering provide us with the chance to learn how to forgive and to know our truest, most beautiful nature. Forgiveness is the gift given to us to transcend our darkness and like alchemy, turn darkness into gold.”

In a world filled with pain and suffering where blood drips from the hands of many people we need to find ways to stop the violence in this world. We have learned that the military or putting people away in prisons does not stop violence from repeating itself. What is truly called for is forgiveness, not only the personal kind but in politics as well. Forgiveness at the end has everything to do with mercy and compassion as very important practices for any person in any situation. Forgiveness becomes a powerful answer to the most important questions of life. And at the end of our lives, for those of us who have been able to practice forgiveness and live our lives from a place of love, our days will be rich and our lives will end peacefully.

What does Forgiveness mean to you?

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ATHENA Leadership Award Honoree, Dr. Eileen Borris, Internationally renowned for her groundbreaking work to empower women to fully participate as peace builders in society. Speaks with ATHENA Valley of the Sun on Forgiveness. Tune in to hear Dr. Borris present the steps to finding forgiveness. Dr. Eileen Borris will be honored with the ATHENA Leadership Award on International Women’s Day, March 8, 2018 in Arizona. Learn more www.ATHENAaz.com or Drborris.com

You Too Can Make a Difference

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True forgiveness is a complex and prolonged evolutionary process. When forgiveness is seen within a political process separate from but also interwoven with justice, apology, truth, and reconciliation it becomes more complex. Its enactment belongs entirely to the offended and is a courageous and powerful expression of unconditional acceptance and love that is an attempt to stop the transfer of hate from one generation to the next. A genuine individual and collective willingness to try to release the hurts of the past, accompanied by hope and determination to begin anew, can be argued to be a beginning point in this process. But what are the emotional roots of forgiveness, the source of feeling that makes it possible? And why is this so important to understand concerning the healing of nations? Any healing process including when it involves the collective begins with the individual. Individual healing builds the foundation for community healing to take place which ultimately supports structural changes, all of which encompasses a political forgiveness process.

 

 

The power of forgiveness of one person can have a great influence over many others and can even change an entire nation. For example, we have seen a profound change take place in South African when Nelson Mandela was able to bring his country together in the spirit of forgiveness and reconciliation. And there have been others who although not so well known have demonstrated how their forgiveness has helped transform societies.

One such person is Irene Laure, a French woman who as a child during World War I suffered at the hands of the Germans and during World War II was part of the resistance movement against the Nazis saving as many lives as she could. She personally knew all too well the horrors of what the Nazis did and certainly had every right to be so angry as to want to see Germany destroyed. Then shortly after the war ended Irene attended a conference on reconciliation and it was there where she struggled and finally embraced the idea of forgiveness. The forgiveness process was so transformative that not only did this experience transform Irene, it had a profound effect on France as well. Irene spent the rest of her life helping to build the moral of the German women and spreading the words of forgiveness.

Political forgiveness is not just about the individual, it includes working on a community level and on making structural changes. One incredible program developed to heal the wounds of a community took place in Sierra Leone. Fambul Tok, “Family Talk” in Krio emerged in Sierra Leone as a face-to-face community owned program that brings together perpetrators and victims of the violence from Sierra Leone’s eleven-year civil war for the first time since the war ended. They meet through ceremonies rooted in the traditions of the villages affected by this violence. At evening bonfire ceremonies, victims give voice to their memories and perpetrators confess. They can ask for, and offer forgiveness, preparing the way for individuals and communities to forge a new future together.

Is the United Nations Getting Ready for the Transformational Power of Forgiveness?

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During April 24-25, 2018 the United Nations convened a high-level meeting in New York on peacebuilding and sustaining peace. The purpose of the meeting was to assess efforts undertaken and opportunities to strengthen the United Nations work on peacebuilding and sustaining peace. The United Nations Headquarters welcomed heads of states to review the organization’s current work in conflict prevention and how to strengthen current operations and institutions related to peace. The High-Level Meeting was an occasion for participants from government, civil society, including women’s groups and representatives of the youth, the private sector, regional and sub-regional organizations and academia to discuss ways to support and promote sustaining peace. This was an historical milestone for advancing the United Nations’ work in the areas of conflict prevention and post-conflict peacebuilding and to set the stage for a wider agenda of renewal and reform.

This meeting attracted the highest levels of attendance seen at the United Nations this year. It brought about a greater understanding of how one views peace. Perhaps Miroslav Lajc ̌a ́k President of the United Nations General Assembly said it best:

“Peace is more than a ceasefire. It is more than a peace deal. And, it is more than the absence of war. This means that once-off operations or activities are not enough to achieve it. Instead, we need to tackle conflict at its roots. We need to look to the horizon, to see the warning signs. We need to build a culture of peace; a culture of prevention.”

The meeting focused on a discussion in four areas.

Prevention

First, the UN meeting attendees looked at prevention, especially long-term prevention. This put the focus on sustainable development, economic growth, institution building and the respect for human rights.

Coherence

The second focus area was on coherence at both national and international levels. President Miroslav Lajc ̌a ́k spoke of a few examples such as in The Gambia where sustainable peace is central to the country’s national development plan. In Malawi United Nations development and political actors came together to support the national peace architecture. And in New York the Peacebuilding Commission is building bridges across the United Nations three pillars.

National Ownership

Sustaining peace does not stand a chance unless it is driven by national actors. Examples discussed included the Philippines where national cultures and policies were complemented rather than replaced.

Inclusion

The most prominent lesson was about inclusion. There are greater results with more inclusion. A shining example is how the women in Liberia have come together. They have developed a platform and a strong united voice, and because of their commitment and determination ended a civil war and now have come together to prevent the country from sliding back into war. Another example is the Balkans where young people even years after the fighting stopped continued to work for reconciliation. And in Sri Lanka civil society designed the national reconciliation process.
So how does political forgiveness fit into all of this?

Political forgiveness is a very inclusive and comprehensive approach to peacebuilding and sustaining peace. It is a process which involves the individual, the community and changing structures to support healing and reconciliation. As mentioned earlier, understanding the root causes is very important in peacebuilding and sustaining peace. Underneath the root causes are painful emotions which are driving the conflict and if the emotional currents are not given voice, emotions especially of anger, fear and hate will become a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. Political forgiveness on an individual and community level focuses on healing these emotions so the root causes can be addressed.

In September 2015, the General Assembly adopted the 2030 Agenda for Sustainable Development that includes 17 Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs) to guide the role of public, non-profit, for-profit and voluntary sectors in global development. Goal 16 focuses on promoting peaceful and inclusive societies for sustainable development, provide access to justice for all and build effective, accountable and inclusive institutions at all levels. Focusing on Goal 16 provides a wonderful opportunity for developing political forgiveness within countries. There are many facets to this and where political forgiveness can fit in. The UN can support such programs as “Schools for Forgiveness and Reconciliation” to help with the healing of political and domestic violence on an individual level. The UN can also support indigenous practices which involves community healing such as the Fambul Tok program in Sierra Leone. Lastly, to support goal 16 the UN can help governments look at structures within their countries which can support a culture of peace. This is where the transformational power of political forgiveness lies in not only healing individuals and communities but in also helping to change structures where it has the capacity to heal nations. Giving what the goals are of the United Nations and what it wants to achieve, the process of political forgiveness makes these goals achievable and is a process which fosters prevention and transforms conflict supporting peacebuilding mechanisms and sustaining peace around the world.

Please share your thoughts on : https://www.facebook.com/7-Steps-to-Forgiveness-109220899099707/, twitter @erborris or www.linkedin.com/in/dreileenborris

As always, I am interested in hearing about your experience and welcome all your comments, so please feel free to share your thoughts on this blog. I am looking forward to hearing from you.

For more information on learning how to forgive go to “Finding Forgiveness: A 7-Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness” by Eileen R. Borris-Dunchunstang.

 

What an Ordinary Woman Taught Me About Forgiveness – And Political Forgiveness

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In an address I was giving the other day as I was receiving the Athena Leadership award, I spoke about Irene Laure, an ordinary woman who did extraordinary things. Although forgiveness is probably the most difficult thing asked of us, if it is something that our heart truly wants even if it seems that a much larger part of ourselves wants something else, we will be able to forgive. Irene Laure’s story is a beautiful illustration of that.

I remember the first time that I spoke about her. It was a cold dreary day in Montreal during the winter of 1989. I was preparing to walk up to the podium to give my first presentation on forgiveness and international affairs. I was to talk about the Franco-German reconciliation after World War II, which was one of the greatest achievements of modern statecraft. The presentation was highlighting the experiences of one French woman, Irene Laure, who had the courage to forgive and by this one act was able to change the face of Europe.

As I was approaching the lectern, I couldn’t help but wonder what Irene Laure must have been feeling some forty years earlier in Caux, Switzerland, when she too needed to address the assembly. How did she become such a remarkable woman?

Irene was a rebel against injustice from her earliest days. She was also taught to be a German hater having grown up in France during World War I and later suffered at the hands of the Nazis during World War II. One night during the early days of the occupation Irene was walking down the street when she heard marching boots shattering the stillness of the night. Suddenly Irene was surrounded by a German patrol, with their torchlight blinding her and their harsh orders deafening her ears. She was pointing to her nursing bag hoping it would save her. Instead she was propelled forward by the muzzle of a machine gun in the small f her back, wondering if this meant her death.

As I looked into the eyes of my audience, years later, I couldn’t help but ask myself how many of them had ever experienced living in a war zone. I knew there were diplomats and foreign service officers in the audience, but how many of them understood first-hand why and how we can hate so much. We speak of conflict so antiseptically. So often we think that once we have a treaty or policy in place, peace will follow. Governments usually don’t go further than that and certainly not to the core of the pain and suffering that is at the root of all wars.

Irene was a poignant example of a human being wounded by the atrocities of violence and war. A Lutheran minister posed a question to her asking her how she envisioned a united Europe without Germany. After a great deal of soul searching Irene realized that hatred and revenge was not going to give her what she really wanted. She also realized that hatred, whatever the reasons for it, is always a factor that creates new wars.

Irene was eventually able to see things different. There was a total transformation in her thinking. By being able to see the world through the eyes of forgiveness, Irene’s life took on new meaning She made the commitment to take the message of forgiveness and reconciliation to Germany and to the world.

Irene’s story exemplifies the possibility and potential that a change in perception and transformation in thinking can bring. This is the miracle that only forgiveness and its processes can bring to life. Irene was willing to look into her heart, acknowledge her weakness, and say she was sorry for her hateful thoughts toward the Germans. The results of her actions were profound, and Irene was not only able to build a new relationship with the Germans, she committed the rest of her life in helping to reconcile France with Germany and spread the word of forgiveness.

Irene touched my heart in so many ways, especially in understanding the power of forgiveness and the way forgiveness can not only heal individuals – it can also have a profound effect in the healing of nations.

I feel so blessed to have known the work of Irene Laure. She has truly inspired me to go to areas of conflict around the world, places where war once was, and to work with groups, who at one time may have been enemies, and bring them together, through the healing work that only forgiveness can bring.

When Our Pain Returns – Finding Forgiveness

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It would be so nice if when we told our painful stories of the past, all our suffering would magically disappear. Unfortunately it doesn’t happen like that. Many of us get stuck in the quagmire of our emotions not letting the ghosts of the past be in the past. How can we work through these emotions? We heal our emotions by feeling them completely. The only way we can get to the other side is by walking through that door. Yes, it hurts yet the paradox is that when we give ourselves permission to feel our emotions completely, we begin to dissipate its energy. One of the reasons why we struggle so much with forgiveness is that we want to avoid feeling pain, but in order to finally let our emotional burdens go, we have to know what’s there.

Forgiveness is a process that usually takes time. If done fully, forgiveness changes us in a very fundamental way. It changes our thinking and creates within us a new way of being in this world. When we become a person who can forgive, then we find the ultimate freedom forgiveness brings. This freedom expands our consciousness giving us the gift of an all-encompassing love. Challenging ourselves to grow beyond our “small” selves is difficult and yet it reaps great rewards.

So what are the ways you can begin to let go of your past? Soul searching is a good starting point. Take out your journal and ask yourself the following questions.

  • Do you really want to forgive this person? It’s ok if you don’t – and if that is the case just be gentle with yourself. It is healthier to be able to acknowledge that then to say “I forgive” when you are still seething inside. Working with our emotions takes time. There are also times when we feel that we “should” forgive someone for a variety of reasons. This never works. Forgive is a choice, a voluntary act and if it is forced resentment builds just beneath the surface.
  • Do you want to step out of being a victim? If not why is it that you are choosing to hold on to your anger and/or guilt? This question is a hard one. All of us are invested in being stuck in the victim role. Do you want to get back at someone by being the innocent victim, showing the world how much you are suffering at the hands of another? Remember, we disempower ourselves when we are stuck in the victim role, blaming others and not taking responsibility for our own lives. Conversely we empower ourselves when we take responsibility for our emotional well being. Often it is our feelings of guilt that keeps us stuck. We may not feel that we deserve feeling better or we feel guilty that someone else may have suffered and not us. When this happens ask yourself, what is under these feelings – why do I want to beat myself up? Why am I not willing to love and nurture myself? Remember – holding on to guilt is a choice, too.
  • Do you really want to heal? This is another hard question and be gentle with yourself with whatever comes up. The important issue here is to be aware that you are making choices, awareness being the first step in any healing process.

As I have mentioned before – forgiveness takes work. Being honest, loving and gentle with yourself will take you on the road to recovery. Get help if you need too for you do not need to do this work on your own. And remember, you are not alone.

Please share your thoughts on : https://www.facebook.com/7-Steps-to-Forgiveness-109220899099707/, twitter @erborris or www.linkedin.com/in/dreileenborris

As always, I am interested in hearing about your experience and welcome all your comments, so please feel free to share your thoughts on this blog. I am looking forward to hearing from you.

For more information on learning how to forgive go to “Finding Forgiveness: A 7-Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness” by Eileen R. Borris-Dunchunstang.

Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School finds a Way Through Forgiveness

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Thousands of mourners attend a candlelight vigil for victims of the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooting in Parkland, Florida on February 15, 2018.

A grieving community tries to come to grips with the loss of 17 precious lives. Mourners come together to honor the victims as sadness clutches the face of so many people trying to make sense of what has happened. As tears wash the pain and sorrow felt in so many hearts, behind those brave faces is a sense of fear and confusion after such a devastating event. Despite this horrific tragedy so many students demonstrated the best of humanity.

While thousands of mourners slowly gathered on that mild February day a group of eight high school students formed a tight circle. As people met each other with hugs and tears before Thursday’s vigil for the dead, eight students appealed to a higher being to save the souls they had just lost. They reflected on the sanctity of life. They held each other up just 24 hours after experiencing senseless evil. Shay Makonde, a junior at the high school led the group in prayer. His message was that we shall carry on for the lives that were lost. For Shay, the day after the shooting was not only about community, it had also presented the challenge of forgiveness.

Shay had to deal with his own trauma. The day before he led those prayers, Shay was in one of the hallways where Nikolaus Cruz, the 19-year-old suspect, opened fire on students. Shay pulled two of his classmates into a hallway during the shooting. What was most striking was that Shay heard Cruz laughing before he saw a third friend go down.

Notwithstanding what had happened Shay said that he cannot hate the shooter. Instead, Shay says he wants to focus on the people he still has in his life, and on honoring his lost friend’s life. Hatred, he said, only breeds more hatred and pain.

Even with the horrific nature of the attack other students also found a way forward through forgiveness. One student, Daniela Menescal who like others thought that a drill was taking place until the moment bullet fragments slammed into her back and leg. She hid behind a metal cabinet as gunfire sprayed the room. The girl in front of her was hit in the face, a bullet was lodged in her eye. Menescal survived and made it home bandaged with metal from the bullets still inside her. Despite all that happened to her that day she found it in her heart to forgive. When asked what message she wanted to get out it was forgiveness. “In the back of his mind, God is with him and I know that we all deserve a second chance, and that even for all that he caused, we forgive him. I forgive him,” Menescal said.

The killing of 17 people at the high school in Parkland, Fla., has yet to reveal much forgiveness toward the shooter. It is too early. People need time to recovery physically and emotionally. The anger over the murders, especially among Parkland students, is directed mainly at elected officials and the cause of controlling access to guns, especially assault rifles. That debate should not be deflected or weakened. Yet at the same time, the United States can tackle the issue of whether better qualities of care in society – including the role of forgiveness – might help prevent a similar shooting.

After the 2015 shooting that killed nine people in a Charleston, S.C., church, many in the predominantly African-American congregation forgave the young white male gunman. In doing so, they hoped not only to heal the hatred they felt but the hatred in him that motivated the crime. In addition, they hoped their forgiveness might enable them to better reach others prone to violence and perhaps prevent a similar massacre.

We may want to think about this and the role forgiveness can play in our society. With so much hatred and violence taking place changing mindsets can go a long way in healing the maladies we face. Forgiveness can break the cycles of violence and have a healing effect which our society so desperately needs.

Please share your thoughts on : https://www.facebook.com/7-Steps-to-Forgiveness-109220899099707/, twitter @erborris or www.linkedin.com/in/dreileenborris

As always, I am interested in hearing about your experience and welcome all your comments, so please feel free to share your thoughts on this blog. I am looking forward to hearing from you.

For more information on learning how to forgive go to “Finding Forgiveness: A 7-Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness” by Eileen R. Borris-Dunchunstang.

Want Inner Peace? – Here’s How: Step 7 – Gaining Inner Peace

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Licensed Psychologist, Keynote Speaker, Best Selling Author, and Leader in Global Conflict Resolution

Once we have reached Step Seven in the forgiveness process, we have come to a very special place. There are certain things we have come to realize about our minds and the way we think. We may have realized that in a sense we have operated from two minds – our ego self and our spiritual self or the place of our divinity. When we function from the lower self, we believe that responsibility for whatever has taken place is outside of ourselves, not within. When we work through our higher or spiritual nature, our divinity helps us see through our illusions and misperceptions. Our spiritual essence is that part of our self that is in touch with the creative force and reminds us that this force is always within us. It is the part that tells us that there is another way we can go about living and interacting in this world. In Step Seven, the spiritual self is awakened, setting the stage for a transformation to take place that only forgiveness can bring.

This step not only asks us to understand what has taken place in another person’s life but also to recognize that what we see in them is the outer covering and not their true inner being. When we are able to see their inner light, no matter what the outer actions are, we are seeing with spiritual sight. All of us wear different outer clothes but are the same at the depth of our being, and so we look for their light and do not focus on the outer covering. When you can open your heart to others, no matter what the circumstances are, and not lose sight of their spiritual essence, a transformation within you takes place. Your life changes to a more meaningful existence and you experience the wonderful fruits of your labor. For some people these changes happen gradually, and they may not notice how profoundly they have changed. For others, their transformation can be so deep that not only is it a profound moment in their lives, what they chose to do becomes an incredible service to mankind.

When we make the commitment to forgive others, we are sometimes given a gift. If we find that we are struggling to forgive but know in our heart the commitment is there, sometimes a mysterious energy intervenes. We can experience this force as a surge of energy or the feeling of inexplicable love. Some people call it grace, and others call it a third factor that transcends anything they have ever experienced. At this point in our healing process, we open ourselves to the entirety of what is. In that opening we allow ourselves to be at one with a situation, or with life as a whole, and a profound healing takes place. There is nothing we can do to create this experience except to say to ourselves, “I take responsibility for my anger, guilt and pain and give it over to that which is greater than me.” If our request is heartfelt, we will get the help we need. This can be one of the most profound moments of our life when our prayers are answered.

With forgiveness the past, although not forgotten nor rationalized away, is not longer a haunting or burdensome issue. Instead, we experience a restoration of a sense of wholeness and of inner direction and an opening up of our heart to others. We can acknowledge that others act in a way human beings do, out of their fears, needs and perceptions, and that we are no different. This understanding makes it possible for us to live in a new and fuller way.

Last, the spiritual dimension of forgiveness cannot be over-looked. It is the transforming nature of forgiveness, coupled with what some experience; that involves more than our own will that makes forgiveness so profound. Once forgiveness is experience at this deeper level, we can realize the larger meaning of the injury. The sense of relief from the hurt itself seems to be only one aspect, perhaps even small, compared to the freedom we experience from forgiveness. The future opens with amazing possibilities, and we feel a fuller kinship with others and at the same time humbled by what seems to be a gift that only forgiveness can bring.

For your journal exercise, rewrite your forgiveness story, this time with the understanding you have gained going through the forgiveness process. Include in your story the understanding you have gained about yourself and the perpetrator. How has your thinking changed in terms of how you choose to see the world? Did you struggle with letting go of your anger and guilt and, if so, what happened or what did you need to have happen to finally let go? Did you experience a moment of grace and if so, how has that changed you? Finish your story with what you would like to do or say that you may not have been able to do yet.

Reflection: As you think about what you learned through this process what has seeing the world through spiritual sight taught you? What have you learned and gained from the forgiveness process?

And remember, forgiveness is the science of the heart. It is the anchoring of a new wisdom rooted in compassion. For those who have the courage to follow its path, forgiveness reminds us how to live wit love in a world filled with guilt and fear.

We are the ones who determine how much anger and hatred we will experience in our lives, as well as how much compassion and forgiveness we will extend to others. We have been given opportunities to hate and the wisdom to transcend our hate. Think of the personal power we much have to move beyond old choices and to respond to life from a place of spiritual wisdom. Our pain and suffering provide us with the chance to learn how to forgive and to know our truest, most beautiful nature. Forgiveness is the gift given to us to transcend our darkness and like alchemy, turns it to gold.

Please share your thoughts on : https://www.facebook.com/7-Steps-to-Forgiveness-109220899099707/, twitter @erborris or www.linkedin.com/in/dreileenborris
As always, I am interested in hearing about your experience and welcome all your comments, so please feel free to share your thoughts on this blog. I am looking forward to hearing from you.

For more information on learning how to forgive go to “Finding Forgiveness: A 7-Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness” by Eileen R. Borris-Dunchunstang.

Ouch! The Pain Really Hurts – Step Six: Absorbing Pain

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Licensed Psychologist, Keynote Speaker, Best Selling Author, and Leader in Global Conflict Resolution

As we continue our journey in learning how to forgive we finally come to a place where we deal with our pain. Pain can feel devastating. We may try to deny it or cover it up, sometimes using alcohol and drugs, but eventually, if we want to forgive we will have to learn how to deal constructively with our pain. You have already begun healing your pain by uncovering and working through your anger and guilt. The next part of the process involves mourning.

To release pain, we need to grieve, especially for the loss the offense has brought, be it the loss of innocence or some ending that needs to be mourned. Mourning is essential for healing and moving on in our lives. It is also something we would rather avoid. Sometimes we refuse to grieve as a way of denying victory to the perpetrator. To the extent that we are unable to grieve indicates how much we are cut off from an important part of our own healing process. When we allow ourselves to mourn we discover that our inner strength is indestructible. Mourning means that we will have to live tomorrow differently than before, usually with a void to fill. This is the time we give ourselves permission to cry. For some of us, this could be for the first time. Often, especially if the offense happened when we were children, we had to keep in or deny feelings concerning what befell us as a way of survival. Now we can do things differently. Only when we give ourselves permission to feel the pain can we absorb it.

Absorbing our pain is the most difficult part of the forgiveness process. Paradoxically, by absorbing the pain, the pain slowly dissipates until we are freed from it. By absorbing the pain, we accept it and, instead of being a victim, we become survivors. In accepting the pain, we discover that we can begin to handle it and we become stronger. This is how the pain lessens. Accepting pain is a pivotal step in the forgiveness process. As we learn how to do this for ourselves, our hearts begin to open, and we gain a greater ability to care for ourselves and others. When we finally begin to hurt and grieve, we free ourselves of those emotional burdens. This is how we heal. In taking responsibility for our emotional life, as difficult as this may be, we become stronger and more complete.

Part of our healing is to give our pain meaning. It brings us peace when out of tragedy something good comes from it. Many organizations have been formed in the name of a loved one, usually with the hope that their work will make a difference in the lives of others. By helping others heal, we are developing “spiritual currency” for ourselves, which has a dramatic effect on our healing process. By giving to others and helping to create a better world, we give meaning to our life. This spiritual currency helps to fill a void that many tragedies bring. Often when we make these kinds of decisions a spiritual transformation takes place within us. Even if we don’t begin something new, by creating something positive, however small, it will begin to give us peace.

For this journal exercise, allow yourself to feel your pain and grief and whatever it is that is festering inside of you. Explore these emotions and ask what they want to tell you. What does your grief need to be healed? What does your pain need to be healed? How can you give pain meaning? What will your life be like once you are able to absorb your pain? If you are having difficulty absorbing your pain, what is getting in the way? Explore the resistant part of yourself. Ask your resistance what it wants and needs from you. Examine all these emotions until nothing is left. Then describe what your life would look like if you could accept your pain, heal your grief, and bring new meaning to your life.

Reflection: As you think about mourning and letting-go think about what does it mean for you to accept your pain? Can any of your beliefs help you in this process? Are there feelings you are holding onto that nurture your pain? Is there something you can do that will symbolize the acceptance of your pain?

Please share your thoughts on : https://www.facebook.com/7-Steps-to-Forgiveness-109220899099707/, twitter @erborris or www.linkedin.com/in/dreileenborris
As always, I am interested in hearing about your experience and welcome all your comments, so please feel free to share your thoughts on this blog. I am looking forward to hearing from you.
For more information on learning how to forgive go to “Finding Forgiveness: A 7-Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness” by Eileen R. Borris-Dunchunstang.

What Does Forgiveness Mean to you?

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Licensed Psychologist, Keynote Speaker, Best Selling Author, and Leader in Global Conflict Resolution

 

Alexander Pope said it best: “To err is human, to forgive divine.” If you’ve ever been deeply hurt by someone or suffered through a painful ordeal, you know how hard it is to forgive and forget. Being able to forgive ourselves and one another is an essential element in developing healthy relationships in our day-to-day lives and in the world. A willingness to forgive can help release the emotional burden that keeps us from connecting on a deeper level with one another and from having peace of mind. But what is forgiveness?

I invite you to join in a forgiveness campaign for the next 8 weeks to learn what forgiveness is and how to do it. I hope people will share their stories about forgiveness, their struggles and successes, learn what forgiveness truly means and how a little willingness to forgive can help to release the emotional burdens which keeps us from connecting on a deeper level with one another and having peace of mind.

A story that I would like to share is concerning the bombing of the Murrah Federal Building which took place in Oklahoma City, April 19, 1995. Bud Welch whose twenty-three -year -old daughter was killed in that bombing. Welch’s words were “Fry those bastards!” I want Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols hanged, no trials necessary. “From that moment I learned it was a bomb, I survived on hate.”

Bud’s anger was focused on Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols, and like so many others, Bud wished for their speedy conviction and execution. When he saw McVeigh’s father on television a few months after the bombing, however, his emotions began to change. He realized that “this man has lost a child, too.”

Not all of us could come to this conclusion so quickly. What did Bud Welch know that most of us might not if we found ourselves in a similar situation? Before Bud could get to this place of recognizing that both fathers were dealing with a painful loss, he had to deal with his personal healing.

Bud eventually arranged to meet with Timothy McVeigh’s father, Bill. “I saw a deep pain in a father’s eye, but also an incredible love for his son.” I was able to tell him that I truly understood the pain that he was going through, and that he – as I – was a victim of what happened in Oklahoma City.

What Bud was able to accomplish you, too, will be able to do if you choose to. The journey begins with understanding what forgiveness with all its complexities truly means.

Throughout our lives most of us have been taught about forgiveness. Each one of us thinks differently about what forgiveness means, ranging from emotional weakness to high moral standards. To be able to forgive, we need to understand what forgiveness means. Otherwise, our misconceptions can become obstacles in our ability to forgive.

Forgiveness is a process that shows us how to heal emotional pain by choosing to see the person who caused the pain differently. It is about changing the way we think about ourselves and the way we see the world. Forgiveness is an essential part of our healing, enabling us to release our anger, pain and suffering. As we learn to forgive and heal our emotional pain. We begin to experience the gift of inner peace.

Ultimately, forgiveness is about changing the way we think. Its transformational power moves us from being helpless victims of our circumstances to powerful co-creators of our reality. We learn to see people anew every day in terms of their future potential, not their past deeds. In becoming more loving, compassionate and understanding human beings, we gain the ability to have a deeper relationship with ourselves and with the significant people in our lives and we will know true peace.

Please share your thoughts on : www.drborris.com:https://www.facebook.com/7-Steps-to-Forgiveness-109220899099707/, twitter @erborris or www.linkedin.com/in/dreileenborris
As always, I am interested in hearing about your experience and welcome all your comments. I am looking forward to hearing from you.

For more information on learning how to forgive go to “Finding Forgiveness: A 7-Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness” by Eileen R. Borris-Dunchunstang.

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