Healing Memories, Forging Peace

Colombia is a nation on a journey from conflict to peace, a nation attempting to stop the never-ending cycle of violence, which has been a struggle for over 50 years. It is a complex nation and situation, which led to a civil war of over five decades, devastating the civilian population. Efforts to peacefully resolve the conflict have resulted in partial agreements that last only for short periods. Yet, there is one person who understands that, to achieve lasting peace, the country must address the anger and fear fueling the Colombian conflict.

From Fear to Forgiveness

Fr. Leonel Narváez Gómez is someone who has worked tirelessly in Colombia’s peacebuilding efforts. Narváez, a Colombian Catholic priest who participated very closely in the peace negotiations with the leftist guerrillas in Colombia, is deeply committed to the work of forgiveness around the world. He was born in Génova, a village near Medellín, in the same town where the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia (FARC) and its leader were born. Narváez later developed a significant relationship with the FARC leader, Tiro Fijo, in which he was able to rescue dozens of young boys and girls under the age of 18 from the movement.

The area surrounding Medellín was a very violent and dangerous region of the country, and for 12 years Narváez was in danger of being kidnapped. Memories have haunted Narváez. When he was a very young boy, his father’s sugar cane factory was set on fire and destroyed one night by his father’s enemy. What Narváez remembered most was watching the factory burn at 2 a.m. in the morning, fearing that the source of the family’s income would be destroyed. That memory and his anger lingered on for years, and due to this childhood memory, Narváez realized the importance of developing a process for overcoming memory, a process he now teaches others when discussing forgiveness and reconciliation.

The Pull of Powerful Emotions

Narváez’s interest in political forgiveness has a long history. When the 1998 and 2001 negotiations in El Caguán failed, Narváez realized that something was missing. People were negotiating with a lot of anger and hate behind their words, fueling conflict, violence, and the urge for revenge. He understood that, for sustainable peace to be achieved, a solution was needed to address the pull of these powerful emotions. With a background in negotiation, and with the support of experts in various disciplines, including research into forgiveness, Narváez developed a program which was later known as Schools of Forgiveness and Reconciliation (SFR) or Escuelas de Perdon y Reconciliacion (ESPERE), which became the cornerstone of the Fundación Para La Reconciliación or Foundation for Reconciliation, which he founded. ESPERE (es-PEER-ay) was formed to promote forgiveness and reconciliation, and to offer groups of Colombians an opportunity to come together and develop processes that support individuals affected by violence.

What makes the ESPERE program different in terms of an individual forgiveness process is that it links the work of individual forgiveness, an interior process, with a process rooted in the principles of truth, justice, pacts, and memory. The purpose of the initiative was to see how the participants’ emotional development and patterns of social interaction were affected by their experiences. The hope was that when people could share their stories, the narratives could change, and the need for revenge would dissipate, allowing people to move toward reconciliation.

ESPERE Stories

Many forgiveness stories have emerged from the work of ESPERE. Some cases include working with people involved in serious crimes, such as killing a relative, and how they learned to forgive themselves and be forgiven. Another example includes a widow who lost her only son and then adopted the killer of her son. There are other stories, such as an owner of an enterprise who gave employment to his kidnappers—the owner even paid the lawyers not to prosecute them. Yet another story involves an ex-combatant who was attacked during one of the raids and was wounded. His life is now in a wheelchair.

He participated in the Schools of Forgiveness and Reconciliation (SFR) workshop, which taught him how to forgive. Due to his experience in the program, he has now dedicated his life to working with the foundation, and has become a powerful testimony for forgiveness. It is hoped that, in time, Colombia will constitute a national system of reconciliation in which victims of the war, ex-combatants, children and young people in educational establishments, and the population in general will participate in the promotion of cultures of peace, developing agendas for forgiveness.

The ultimate objective of the SFR program is to create communities of peace that heal the wounds of conflict, foster forgiveness and reconciliation, and thereby enable peace to flourish and prevent unrest from happening again. The premise behind the program is that if we do not heal from our psychological wounds, cycles of violence will continue to perpetuate themselves.

The ESPERE program’s methodology has been adopted in numerous countries worldwide. An international network has emerged, sharing experiences, results, and concerns that arise from members’ activities in the field of forgiveness and reconciliation. Members of the network have worked with prison populations, young offenders, victims of political and domestic violence, the reintegration of illegal armed actors, and with young people who suffer abuse in schools. In each of these areas, it has been possible to develop a series of specific methodological designs that, while preserving the general principles of ESPERE, are tailored to the particular circumstances of the target population group.

The Inner Embrace

The concept of forgiveness is about graciousness. It is a gift we give to one another. Forgiveness touches the most existential question of life. What is life for? Life is a gift, and it is also a gift to others. Therefore, forgiveness is not just about forgiving an offense. The real motivation is that by forgiving the offense, you become much more; you become a gift to humanity. That is the most profound meaning of life.

The healing capacity of forgiveness is powerful, and when we allow ourselves to reach its depth we begin to tap into forces that enable us to see the spiritual nature within ourselves and within others. This essence must shine, and it does. It shines within our thoughts, helping us to see the spiritual substance in all of us, in qualities like kindness, generosity, helpfulness, and selfless love. Instead of fearfully looking for signs of trouble, instead of labeling people as victimizers, or victims, or even terrorists, we can humbly see what the light of divine love illuminates. Seeing clearly is only possible as we know the truth of who we are, our spiritual essence. Seeing clearly will enable us to be that light of the world—to shine with the love that illuminates the dark places and wipes out fear, hatred, and misunderstanding. And the same love that lights our way shows us where and how we can best shine the light for others in our communities, because when one person is shining the light, everyone around can see too.

To learn more about ESPERE and the work of Fr. Leonel Narváez, enjoy the Political Forgiveness episode, “The Priest and the Guerrilla Fighter” on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Forgiveness Heals Post-Election Violence, Kenya, 2008

Twenty-five women said “enough.” While politicians pointed fingers and communities burned, these women rolled up their sleeves, and rebuilt their world — one water pipe, one factory, one peace treaty at a time. Mary Noble, co-founder of Feminenza, was the woman who orchestrated this transformation. She learned forgiveness in the most personal way possible: when her husband left her for another woman. That betrayal, that pain, that moment of choosing grace over revenge, became the foundation for healing an entire nation. Fair warning: You’re going to want to share this episode with everyone you know.

Mary Noble

Mary Noble is the co-founder and CEO of Feminenza, a nonprofit organization, which had its beginnings in 2000 with a gathering of some 400 women from all corners of the world working toward a greater mutuality between genders. Feminenza promotes the long-term development of women as peacemakers, their roles in leadership and society, and their partnership with men to establish a more humane and peaceful world. Mary creates and leads training programs in forgiveness.

#Forgiveness #PoliticalForgiveness #PersonalGrowth #Healing Relationships #HealingNations

Where to Find Mary Noble

Email: forgiveness@feminenza.org

Feminenza: https://feminenza.org

Upcoming workshop: The Seven Pillars of Forgiveness

Forgiveness PoliticalForgiveness Feminenza MaryNoble WomenPeacemakers Kenya PostElectionViolence PeaceBuilding ConflictResolution

About Eileen Borris

Dr. Eileen Borris is a clinical and political psychologist who has pioneered the concept of political forgiveness on the individual, community and national level. She has addressed the United Nations and has worked for over 30 years to build peace in areas of conflict around the world, including Rwanda, South Africa, Liberia, Nigeria, Ethiopia, and the Middle East. Eileen is the author of Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness and the creator of Healing the Divide, a program that trains leaders and other individuals interested in applying the principles of political forgiveness to transform their lives and create social change.

Be Part of Eileen’s Community

Subscribe to Political Forgiveness podcast on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Subscribe to Political Forgiveness newsletter: https://www.drborris.com

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/dreileenborris

Eileen’s book: Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness

 

00:00 Introduction and Welcome

01:19 Mary Noble’s Personal Journey to Forgiveness

02:53 The Role of Forgiveness in Society

05:49 Forgiveness in Conflict Zones: The Kenya Experience

08:54 Empowering Women for Community Healing

17:21 Workshops and Training Programs

20:21 Personal Stories of Transformation

28:26 Final Thoughts and Contact Information

Forgiving Our Enemies and Our Exes

Forgiveness can enter our lives in strange ways. For Mary Noble she was consumed with anger and pain when one day her husband announced that he was leaving her for another woman. Mary, founder and CEO of Feminenza, a nonprofit organization where Mary gives training programs in forgiveness, did not always support the belief in forgiveness. She was in shock over the end of her marriage — didn’t even see it coming. And for six months she was filled with anguish.

In the upcoming “Political Forgiveness: Voices of Peace” episode I interviewed Mary, who shared a dream that her husband came back, and in the dream Mary knew they were going through all the difficulties they had put each other through yet again. When Mary woke up, she realized that she needed to move on.

Forgiving Our Exes

During the course of that day the word forgiveness “landed” in Mary. In her heart of hearts, she wanted her life back. She wanted to be free of her anger, to forgive her ex and his lover. At that moment of truly wanting to let go, she felt something inside of her — as though a miracle had happened, a moment of grace where the anger totally dissipated replaced by feelings of joy. Mary realized this was not about her ex, it was about her inner healing. She recognized that there was something greater going on and, in that moment, she experienced the power of grace. An interior renovation took place where she was able to totally let go of her pain. In her sincere desire to let go of her anger and resentment Mary was able to experience grace, and all of a sudden the anger was gone. That is the miracle of forgiveness and it can happen to anyone.

Forgiving Our Enemies

This experience was so powerful that it stayed with Mary and 20 years later, as she was developing programs for Feminenza, the issue of forgiveness kept coming up. This inspired Mary to engage in a two-year study of forgiveness, asking herself questions such as, “Why should we forgive?” and “What about the perpetrator.” She realized that as a society, as a human race, the lack of forgiveness is enshrined in what we consider the right way to go: you know, vendettas, tit for tat, sweet revenge — the things we believe are okay to do. All of this affects our ability as a human race to evolve, to become better human beings. Then a Congolese pastor who worked at the United Nations sat down with Mary and pulled out pictures of mutilated bodies. Mary asked what was she looking at and he replied, you are looking at the result of the civil war in the Congo and the lack of forgiveness. Generation after generation, leader after leader, each one comes into power and massacres everyone who was there before. Then the pastor said, “I think, Mary, forgiveness is the only way out of this.”

So how do we heal what has been passed down from generation to generation? Forgiveness is about the art of healing. This is what Mary was doing — creating a certain ecology in her workshops that is so warm and loving that it provided the space and the opportunity for people to release at least some of what they were holding on to.

Peeling the Layers

When we are willing to engage in a forgiveness process and are willing to do the work, it is like peeling the layers of an onion. We begin to deal with our anger, our fear, our guilt. We give ourselves permission to mourn. And then we can begin to release pain and sorrow and in that releasing we begin to remove blocks to the ability to love. That’s the profoundness of forgiveness. We don’t necessarily think about it in that way, but there are many levels of forgiveness from the pragmatic, letting go of pain and suffering, to the sublime, knowing grace and the face of God.

Through the work of forgiveness, we develop the ability to connect with our humanity. That interconnectedness can become very powerful — that what I see in you is what I also know is in me, because we are all part of the human condition. As we go deeper into the forgiveness process, we begin to understand what it really means to love: I can see you in your entirety. The deeper we begin to recognize what it means to be human and get in touch with our own humanity, the more we peel off those layers, the more we are also learning about what real love is. And if we can get to a place of being able to love someone — even though they may have harmed us deeply — that is the highest form of love we will ever really know.

The Practice of Forgiveness With Dr. Loren Toussaint

Does time really heal all wounds? In this engaging podcast episode, host Eileen Borris talks with health psychologist Loren Toussaint about the multifaceted nature of forgiveness. They discuss how forgiveness is an intentional process akin to developing healthy habits, debunking the myth that time heals all wounds. The conversation delves into how forgiveness can be practiced daily to improve mental health and social relationships.

Eileen and Loren also explore the role of spirituality in forgiveness and the applicability of forgiveness principles in building cohesive communities. The episode aims to elevate understanding and practice of forgiveness in both personal and political spheres as a means to foster social change.

Dr. Loren Toussaint is a professor of psychology at Luther College in Decorah, Iowa. His research examines and encourages “everyday forgiveness” to build resilience and minimize stress in families, schools, healthcare, workplaces, and communities. Everyday forgiveness is taught through the Forgiveness Foundation which is an education and outreach organization emphasizing the role of forgiveness in building resilience and encouraging personal growth. Dr. Toussaint and colleagues recently published a compendium of research titled: Forgiveness and Health: Scientific Evidence and Theories Relating Forgiveness to Better Health.

Where to Find Dr. Toussaint

Facebook: @loren.toussaint

Twitter: @LorenToussaint

LinkedIn: Loren Toussaint

Email: touslo01@luther.edu

forgivenessfoundation.org

luther.edu/faculty/loren-toussaint

 

Dr. Eileen Borris is a clinical and political psychologist who has pioneered the concept of political forgiveness on the individual, community and national level. She has addressed the United Nations and has worked for over 30 years to build peace in areas of conflict around the world, including Rwanda, South Africa, Liberia, Nigeria, Ethiopia, and the Middle East. Eileen is the author of Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness and the creator of Healing the Divide, a program that trains leaders and other individuals interested in applying the principles of political forgiveness to transform their lives and create social change.

Be Part of Eileen’s Community

Subscribe to the Political Forgiveness newsletter at drborris.com or on LinkedIn.

Subscribe to the Political Forgiveness podcast on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Book: Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness

 

00:00 Introduction to Political Forgiveness

00:45 Meet Loren Toussaint: Expert on Forgiveness

01:20 Defining Forgiveness: Beyond Letting Go

04:58 The Intentionality of Forgiveness

07:16 Forgiveness as a Daily Practice

12:33 Building Forgiving Communities

21:22 Spiritual Foundations of Forgiveness

31:45 Final Thoughts and Contact Information

The Power of Forgiveness With Dr. Fred Luskin

How do you move beyond grievance to become an active creator in your own life? Dr. Eileen Borris interviews Dr. Fred Luskin to break down common myths around forgiveness. They discuss how an Amish community forgave a shooter who murdered five schoolchildren. If you weren’t born into a culture of forgiveness like the Amish, Fred talks about the building blocks of forgiveness to get you started. It is possible to step out of victimhood and open to the beauty, preciousness, and gratitude of this life.

Dr. Fred Luskin is the director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects. He’s also the author of the bestselling books, Forgive for Good and Forgive for Love. Forgive for Good is the best-selling self-help book published on the topic of forgiveness. Fred has been interviewed hundreds of times in worldwide media, including the New York Times, O Magazine, the Los Angeles Times, Time Magazine, Huffington Post, and he has been featured on the Today Show and CBS Morning News. Learn more at fredluskin.com.

Dr. Eileen Borris is a clinical and political psychologist who has pioneered the concept of political forgiveness on the individual, community, and national level. She has addressed the United Nations and has worked for over 30 years to build peace in areas of conflict around the world, including Rwanda, South Africa, Liberia, Nigeria, Ethiopia, and the Middle East. Eileen is the creator of Healing the Divide, a program that trains leaders and other individuals interested in applying the principles of political forgiveness to transform their lives and create social change.

Subscribe to the Political Forgiveness newsletter at drborris.com or on LinkedIn.

Subscribe to the Political Forgiveness podcast on YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Facebook: @DrEileenBorris

Book: Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness

Timecodes

00:00 Introduction to Political Forgiveness

00:43 Meet Dr. Fred Luskin

01:40 The Culture of Grievance

09:20 Understanding Forgiveness

11:06 The Role of Victimhood and Anger

13:29 Forgiveness in Communities

15:26 Daily Practice of Forgiveness

17:32 Forgiveness in Relationships

26:52 The Teachability of Forgiveness

29:40 Conclusion and Resources

 

Political Forgiveness: Voices of Peace | Season 1 Trailer

Season 1 Trailer

Welcome to a podcast of hope and bridging the divide, where forgiveness and political forgiveness intersect to create a better world. Your host, Eileen Borris, will take you on an incredible journey down the path of forgiveness. In this monthly podcast guests will include people from countries that have experienced genocide, violence, or civil war. They’ll be talking about how forgiveness changed their lives and why it is especially important for political stability and reconciliation.

Other guests will be experts in the field, sharing their knowledge and insight, speaking to the power of forgiveness in the healing of individuals, our communities, and our nation. Humanity is at a turning point, and to face the present challenges requires psychological and spiritual growth through forgiveness.

Dr. Eileen Borris is a clinical and political psychologist who has pioneered the concept of political forgiveness on the individual, community, and national level. She has addressed the United Nations and has worked for over 30 years to build peace in areas of conflict around the world, including Rwanda, South Africa, Liberia, Nigeria, Ethiopia, and the Middle East. Eileen is the creator of Healing the Divide, a program that trains leaders and other individuals interested in applying the principles of political forgiveness to transform their lives and create social change.

Join Our Community!

Subscribe to the Political Forgiveness newsletter at drborris.com or on LinkedIn.

Subscribe to the Political Forgiveness podcast on YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Facebook: @DrEileenBorris

Book: Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness

#politicalforgiveness #forgiveness #love #eileenborris

Forgiveness is the Highest Form of Love

February is a month people are thinking about love. There are all types of love — from the love of your pet to a best friend to the romantic love towards your significant other. But the highest form of love is that of forgiveness. Forgiveness teaches us about unconditional love. It is not only loving those who are easy to love and who are close to us, but it allows us to love those who are opposite from us and hold views different from us — possibly even those who have done great harm to us.

It is through forgiveness that we learn about ourselves. We become aware of the lens we choose to see the world through, recognizing that what we see in others is what is so hard for us to see within ourselves. When we own that, we are beginning to see someone else in a different light, a more forgiving light. Even when taking a very small step, this begins to open our hearts and light a spark of love within ourselves that touches a deeper love: that of our humanity. It goes directly to the unity that connects all of us — to a higher awareness of the truth of who we are — human beings coming from the same creative source and whose inner being is a spiritual essence.

To learn to love deeply requires forgiveness to become a practice. Most people think of forgiveness as a one-time event. But speak to someone who has had a very painful experience, yet sincerely wanted to let go of their anger and pain and chose forgiveness. They will tell you it was a process, and it took time to work through the grief to get to the other side and to finally be able to forgive. It is this kind of commitment to the work of forgiveness that will change us. And it is this kind of work which helps us shift into a higher form of consciousness where our default is not anger or the need for revenge, but wanting to understand where this person is coming from, and what was the psychological landscape that brought this person to where he or she is today. This kind of thinking will help us see our world with greater understanding, compassion, empathy, and, yes, possibly love for what we all struggle with: the human condition. What greater love is there than giving someone total acceptance of who we are as human beings, recognizing that within all of us is a spiritual being, however deeply buried that may be. This is the essence of deeply held love.

The poet Alexander Pope once wrote, “To err is human, to forgive divine.” Forgiveness is one of the most difficult things we are asked to do, and at times it can feel impossible. Yet even in today’s world, where we hear so much talk about revenge and retribution, some people manage to forgive with amazing grace.

A Forgiveness Story: The Amish Community at Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania

One such story, which has touched many of us, happened on October 2, 2005, when Carl Roberts entered a one-room schoolhouse in the Amish community of Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania. He lined up 11 young girls and shot them at point-blank range. Roberts killed five of the girls and then killed himself. In an amazing act of courage the oldest girl, 13-year-old Marian Fisher asked Roberts to shoot her first. She hoped that she could spare the lives of the younger girls. And what was even more remarkable was that, just a few hours after the shooting, an Amish neighbor went to the Roberts family to comfort them and to offer forgiveness.

A grandfather of one of the girls killed was telling the boys to forgive what had just happened as they prepared the body of one of the little girls for burial. Five days later the families who lost their daughters attended the funeral of the man who had killed them. They went not in anger or for retribution, but to comfort the family and let them know that all was forgiven.

How were the Amish able to forgive? It was because the Amish have an enormous capacity to see things differently. Forgiveness is woven into the fabric of the Amish way of life. The more we are willing to entertain the thought of forgiveness, the more we, too, can experience it. The Amish never lost sight of the fact that, above all else, Roberts was a human being. They did not vilify him, and they were able to see beyond Robert’s actions and recognize not only his weaknesses but his goodness. They were able to see beyond their egos to what can be called seeing with spiritual sight. This gave the Amish the ability to sympathize with his family for their loss and move forward with compassion and not vengeful hate. This is one of the keys to learning how to forgive, looking past the outer behavior and understanding there is a spiritual essence within all of us.

Forgiveness as Grace and Healing

Forgiveness is not about letting someone off the hook. It is about your personal inner healing. It is about being able to tell your story, to listen to the wisdom of what your anger has to say and recognizing there is more to the story. On a deeper level it is about changing the way we think, which includes embracing our spiritual nature and the spiritual nature of even those who have hurt us. The process of forgiveness helps us to understand the pain and suffering of others, especially when we can say, “Why them?” instead of “Why me?” What has happened in their lives which has made them who they are today?

As we struggle with our own difficulties in being able to forgive, we also open ourselves up to a benevolent force which is far more powerful than we could ever be. This creative force, that is sometimes experienced as grace, is that inexplicable power which comes from something beyond us. This power gives us the ability to forgive, even when we feel within our hearts forgiveness is humanly impossible. When it happens, you can feel the power and presence of a higher intervention which transforms your relationships as you experience an outpouring of this inexplicable love.

This is the love which enabled the Amish to pray for everyone involved in what took place on October 2, not only for the innocent little girls who got killed and those still to recover, but for the killer himself. They knew expressing love would bring about healing for all those concerned, whereas taking on the same resentment as the attacker would only support evil and allow it to spread.

As we think about what it means to love and be loved this month, ask yourself — are you ready to embark on a journey which may be difficult at times but which can give you something that is a most precious gift: love itself. For if you really think about why we are here it is not necessarily to amass wealth or power, but to love and be loved. Happy Valentines Day!

To Forgive or Not to Forgive: That Is the Question

Anger, grievances, vengeance — we can’t stop hearing about how people are feeling, especially the pain that swirls around us. After a while we begin to feel so emotionally drained that it’s exhausting. Perhaps we’re hearing the barrage of negativity from others, or are holding on tightly to our own grievances. Whatever it is, the emotional undertow is dragging us down.

Perhaps we need to forgive. What? Are you kidding? This may be the dialogue spinning around in your head. But before you try to find the exit door, you may want to stop and think about this for a moment: There are benefits to what many of us find so hard to do. First, we must understand what forgiveness is not and is.

What Forgiveness Is Not

Forgiveness is not about forgetting. When painful events happen to us it is unrealistic to think we can just forget about it. What does happen when we are able to forgive is that we don’t dwell on what has happened and are able to control how we feel about the situation.

Forgiveness also doesn’t mean that you let someone off the hook. People need to be held accountable for their actions. What forgiveness enables us to do is to let go of our emotional pain. Forgiveness is an inner process not an outward action, and this is why just because you can forgive it doesn’t mean that you need to reconcile. Forgiveness is about what is taking place inside of you. Reconciliation involves another person and engaging in building trust. There are times when it’s very possible, and maybe even wise, to forgive someone but not reconcile.

Unfortunately, people often associate forgiveness with weakness. Truth be told, many people are afraid to look within themselves and muster the emotional maturity to change their mindsets about someone else. It is easier for us to attack and blame rather than try to understand what happened and why. For many it is anxiety producing to delve within our own being—something many of us avoid.

Forgiveness is not something that happens quickly, nor is it usually a one-time event. It is an inner process that takes time. Our emotions need to be worked through for us to see a situation differently. Looking within ourselves and being honest with ourselves takes time and courage.

When we are unable to forgive, we are usually holding on to a grievance story, a story someone tells over and over again of being wronged. Grievance causes suffering; the more you focus on your grievance the stronger they become. People begin to ruminate over them, giving power over the grievance. As you continue to replay the incident in your head, what happened in the past only gets uglier. Over time, holding on to grievance can affect your mood, your relationships and your health. But there is a surprising countermeasure to grievance: forgiveness.

What Forgiveness Is

So, what is forgiveness? Forgiveness is a cognitive and emotional process that lessens anger and grievance, the desire for revenge, and helps stop rumination. It is decision, a choice not to see the world through the lens of anger and bitterness, but through a greater understanding. It is choosing to let go of negative emotions toward someone who has harmed you. In so doing, you are taking back control of your emotional well-being and choosing not to be a victim twice over. Forgiveness helps you develop greater awareness, greater insight and better judgment. It gets you out of the past which you cannot change and helps create a new healing narrative, developing a new perspective and a chance for inner peace.

Forgiveness is powerful. It is transformative. What makes that so is our willingness to look within ourselves. And this is what also makes forgiveness frightening. It can bring up feelings of vulnerability and have us question who we truly are, possibly even getting to the core of our identity. Forgiveness arises both from within us and outside the place of hurt. It necessitates a degree of openness and the ability to reach out, beyond ourselves to others, even when we would rather resist engaging with the person who has hurt us. This is what frightens us and, at the same time, this is where forgiveness can be most transformative. Our inward journey that is so necessary, is what enables us to see the humanity of those responsible for our wounding, and when we forgive them, we are sanctioning them back into the world of our common humanity.

Science Confirms the Healing Power of Forgiveness

If for no other reason, to be willing to forgive is very pragmatic. There have been numerous scientific studies which have highlighted the healing power of forgiveness. These studies focusing on forgiveness training have shown a reduction in stress, depression, anxiety, and anger, and an increase in hopefulness, spiritual connection, better relationships and mental and physical well-being. Learning to forgive can have a healing effect on such illnesses as cardiovascular disease and cancer. Preliminary studies from research in allied fields such as psychology, medicine, and religion show that feeling more positive emotions such as gratitude, faith, and care have a positive impact on cardiovascular function.

Neuroscientists have also become interested in the neural systems of forgiveness. According to The Neural System of Forgiveness: An Evolutionary Psychological Perspective, forgiveness systems regulate interpersonal motivation toward a transgressor in the wake of harm by weighing multiple factors that influence both the potential gains of future interaction with the transgressor and the likelihood of harm.

In other words, is this relationship worth keeping in the future or not and if so, can we now forgive that person based on the worthiness and safety of the relationship. The article also describes in scientific terms what is going on in people’s brains when they are in the mindset of unforgiveness. Their focus was on neuroscientific research that links desire for vengeance to reward-based areas of the brain that singles out prefrontal areas likely associated with inhibition of vengeful feelings and that correlates the activity of the intentions and blameworthiness of those who commit harm. The neuroscientific findings presented here identify neural systems that may reflect the computational systems posited by the evolutionary model. (ibid.)

What does this mean for a political forgiveness process? When people enter into a political forgiveness process, most often they are stuck ruminating about their anger and grievances. These are the underlying emotions we need to be conscious of, emotions which other conflict resolution frameworks do not deal with. When you forgive, it leads to changes in your brain that improves your ability to regulate emotions and reactions. Activity in the amygdala, which processes fear and anger, decreases. Areas linked to empathy, positive feelings and emotional control become more active. This rewiring makes you less reactive and more compassionate over time. Forgiveness may also work by changing how the brain interprets and responds to social transgressions. Research addresses the importance of forgiveness not only in enhancing mental health but also in fostering social harmony which speaks to the importance of a political forgiveness process. A political forgiveness process deals directly with emotions that have fueled conflict, such as anger and the need for revenge, with the goal of healing these emotions and moving people away from the desire for revenge to a desire for something more positive. A political forgiveness process is directed toward helping people transition out of an unforgiving mindset and becoming more aware when they are in a mindset of unforgiveness. No other peacebuilding framework deals directly with this. Political forgiveness is a powerful tool for healing and a process that, when people are engaged, can lead to a more peaceful world.

SOURCES

The Neural System of Forgiveness: An Evolutionary Psychological Perspective, Joseph Billingsley, Elizabeth A. R. Losin, Frontiers in Psychology, 8:737. Doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00737.)

The Gifts of Forgiveness: A Personal Story

By Karen Long

NOTE FROM EILEEN: Recently my editor, Karen Long, shared with me a story of forgiveness from her own life, and I asked her to tell it here. With the permission of her son and his father, Karen tells the story of how the three of them created a comfortable and easygoing co-parenting relationship after divorce, through the liberation of forgiveness.

As I was editing chapter two of Eileen’s forthcoming book, Healing Hate in America, I read this passage, “To be free of that anger would be liberating, and that freedom is what we call forgiveness.” I was swept up in gratitude because I’d personally experienced the liberation and healing power of forgiveness.

In 2021 when my son went away to college, both his father and I were there to help him move in. Darryl and I had separated in 2007 when Kellen was five, and yet, here we all were together, carrying boxes, bags, backpacks and Kellen’s monstera plant up to his new dorm room, laughing and joking the whole time without a trace of awkwardness. Afterwards we all went out for lunch, and Kellen posted a picture of the three of us to his Instagram story with the caption, “Moving in featuring my makers.”

It wasn’t always like this. When Darryl and I started the discussions that led to our divorce, I was blindsided — although I shouldn’t have been. While I knew things weren’t good between us, I vaguely figured that things would get better, or eventually we’d work on our issues. But I didn’t have the communication skills to initiate the conversations that needed to happen. The previous year we had moved to Amsterdam for Darryl’s job and, of all the outcomes I envisioned, becoming a single mother was not one of them. Still, we made a commitment to each other to put Kellen’s interests first, as well as our own agreement to practice openness and honesty — both within ourselves and towards each other — something we hadn’t been able to do while married.

When Darryl moved back to Los Angeles, I remained in Amsterdam with Kellen, with the agreement that we’d all talk on Skype once a week on Saturdays. Sitting a five-year-old in front of the webcam every week and facilitating a conversation between him and my estranged husband was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. Many times I was holding back tears while holding it together for Kellen. But all three of showed up every single week, 52 times a year, and bit by bit it became easier. Eventually Kellen and I moved back to my home town of Wichita, Kansas. By that point, at the end of our web chats instead of weeping I’d say to Kellen: “That was a pretty good talk wasn’t it?”

While I’d taken responsibility for my own role in the end of my marriage to Darryl, I knew I also needed to forgive him. But how? The hurt was an inflamed ball in my core eating away at me. With the support of friends, spiritual mentors and various modes of body work over the years I went on to have several major breakthroughs in forgiveness, peeling away the layers like an onion, as so often happens with emotional healing. One of my most important realizations was that forgiveness is a process, with its own ups and down — what’s important is your commitment to it, even when you’re feeling your most resentful and unforgiving.

Over the years, Kellen, Darryl, and I continued our weekly Saturday chats through Kellen’s Boy Scout years, karate belt ceremonies, piano recitals, middle school science fairs, birthdays and holidays. While Darryl and I still had occasional tense moments between ourselves, our Saturday chats became easier and easier, until the vast majority of them were “good conversations.” 

When Kellen was 13, he and I ran up against a stark difference of opinion on which high school he should attend; we called an emergency family meeting and Darryl supported my decision. Kellen went on to have a great high school experience and was accepted into every college he applied to, and I was immensely grateful his dad and I had the kind of relationship where we could work through these life issues together.

I’m not gonna lie: The forgiveness process was painful, especially in the beginning, full of ups and downs and seeming reversals. But I’m proud of all three of us for meeting our individual emotional journeys head on, and for showing up week after week for the Saturday webcam chats — which was the most important thing. At some point the Saturday chats became Sunday chats, and when Kellen was packing to go away to college, he was the one who said, “We’re going to continue our talks when I’m at college right.” It was also his idea for us to watch the entire Star Wars saga together, in chronological order, so we’ve added an hour of Disney Plus GroupWatch to our weekly schedule, and engage in rollicking discussions about the episodes afterwards. Whenever Darryl comes to visit Kellen and his side of the family in Wichita, he also makes a point to get together with me and my side of the family. 

The three of us appreciate the free and supportive family dynamic we’ve cultivated to support Kellen through 15 years of life’s celebrations and crises. Reading Eileen’s chapter, I became overwhelmingly grateful for the liberation of knowing that trend would continue into Kellen’s future: As Kellen goes through grad school applications, career milestones, relationships and possibly starting his own family, Darryl and I will both be there for him in full joy and power. Without tension, without awkwardness, without our own drama distracting from Kellen.

And the forgiveness arc still brings surprises. Last Christmas Darryl sent Kellen and me a mystery box in Wichita, not to be opened until we got together on Christmas Eve to open our gifts to each other. On the webcam that evening I was startled to find that Darryl had bought all of us matching red-and-black buffalo-print pajamas. And candles. 

“We can all wear our pajamas and light our candles while we open our gifts!” Darryl said. 

This was not a family tradition we’d ever celebrated when we all lived under one roof, nor was it anything I’d ever dreamed of in my wildest forgiveness fantasies. When I committed to the forgiveness journey years ago, I had no idea of the liberation, healing, and empowerment it could bring, bordering on the miraculous.

I’m excited to see where it takes us next.

The Importance of Moral Leadership

What is moral leadership and how do we find moral leaders? I agree with David Gergen, writing in his book Hearts Touched with Fire: How Great Leaders are Made’, when he speaks of leadership as a journey that has to start from within. That thought struck a chord with me and it sheds some light on why leaders behave the way they do when they assume these leadership roles. The way people lead reflects who they are. They need to understand themselves, control their emotions, and master their inner self before they can exercise leadership and be of service to others. These are the elements that develop character, help us grow, and develop a sense of purpose. For a leader, knowing their own values and having the ability to follow their true north in a complicated world is important. This is essential for developing moral courage and moral leadership. The journey starts within.  

When you think of leaders, what or who comes to mind? Some will think of leaders of the past and some will think of the leaders of today, many as possibly not quite fitting the bill. If you think of what you would want a leader to be on the other hand, what comes to mind? Many would say a role model and pillar of the community who has courage and acts, not in one’s own self-interest, but in the interest of the community they serve. Moral leadership is important and it is about people making choices for the benefit of others while trying to bring others along with them on different issues. Unfortunately, in today’s world, many leaders are more concerned with their own status and solidifying their own power base than they are with morality, doing what is right for the highest good of all people. We need leaders of moral courage, compassion, and character now more than ever before. The world has no shortage of challenges it is facing and now is the time for strong moral leadership. How do these leaders we need emerge? How do we develop leaders who will stand up, and who will be courageous? There is no simple answer to these questions but there is hope.

A new younger generation of leaders has begun to emerge who have started to challenge the status quo and demonstrate courage. There have been several young leaders who have climbed the ranks to lead their countries at a younger age than those before them, capturing the mood of their nation and understanding what is required. In Finland, Prime Minister Sanna Marin was 34 when she took office in 2019 and she has focused on equality and climate change as key issues during her term, and since the Russian invasion of Ukraine has made moves for Finland to join NATO, making a decision that has been shirked by previous administrations because of fear of what the repercussions might be. Dritan Abazović was 32 when he was sworn in as Prime Minister of Montenegro in 2022 and his government priorities are to fight against corruption, for more sustainable development, environmental protection, and better care for young people while continuing the path toward EU membership. 

Another leader who came to power at a relatively young age was the Prime Minister of New Zealand, Jacinda Ardern who was sworn into office aged 37. Key issues of concern have been cutting child poverty, homelessness, climate change, and equality. Ardern has forged a different path based on courage, strength, empathy, and compassion stressing kindness and well-being as a governing virtue. She has sought to lead by example which was demonstrated in the aftermath of the horrific attack in Christchurch on March 15, 2019, which took the lives of 50 people while praying in a mosque. She sent a powerful message around the world about New Zealanders’ shared values, that those who seek to divide us will never succeed and that New Zealand will always protect the diversity and openness that is its strength. In solidarity with the Muslim community, Ardern wore a hijab while visiting the two mosques that were attacked and showed her empathy as she was embraced by mourners. The empathy which she delivered could be heard in her words “You are us, we feel grief, we feel injustice, we feel anger and we have that with you”. Her heartfelt compassion in the wake of tragedy shows her as an example that other world leaders should take note of. 

In the United States, people are showing similar leadership qualities such as Stacey Abrams who is running for Governor in Georgia and has fought against voter suppression. Liz Cheney is an example of someone in a leadership position standing up for what is right and what she believes in, one of the only Republicans making a bi-partisan effort on the Select Committee to Investigate the January 6th Attack on the United States Capitol. Cheney has faced abuse, and threats and has been censured by her own party but she has carried on fighting for what she believes to be right in the face of it all.  People are showing leadership in their respective positions across politics, society and within the community but the question is how do we ensure they are not a minority but are front and center acting as a catalyst for change. This kind of moral leadership needs to become the standard-bearer and the benchmark that we should be comparing all leaders to. 

The next generation is rising. Young people across the United States and further afield are becoming energized and inspired. They are demanding more from leaders and those in positions of power and informed on the issues that will affect them in the years to come. Thrust into the world of activism by the largest school shooting in American history, Parkland school shooting survivor David Hogg has become one of the most compelling voices of his generation on gun violence and control. The co-founder of March for Our Lives, his call to “get over politics and get something done” challenges Americans to stand up, speak out and work to elect morally just leaders, regardless of party affiliation. Passionate in his advocacy to end gun violence, Hogg’s mission of increasing voter participation, civic engagement, and activism embraces a range of issues. Following the recent spate of mass shootings including the school shooting in Uvalde which killed 19 children and 2 adults and the shooting in Buffalo, New York which killed 10 and injured 3, Hogg organized protests to put pressure on political leaders to take action and pressed the need for gun control legislation.

This generation is more engaged at a younger age than previous generations, particularly on issues that are going to impact them increasingly in years to come. One only needs to think about Greta Thunberg, the 19-year-old climate activist who started protesting for climate action aged 15 in her native Sweden. In 2018, Thunberg took the international stage beginning the school climate strikes and giving public speeches on the topic. Thunberg has stated that as she watched the Parkland students galvanize with the ‘March for Our Lives’ protests she was struck by how one defiant act like skipping school could be so powerful and how could she sit by knowing that the greatest crisis facing the world was unfolding. She was so inspired by the approach taken by young people protesting gun violence that she began to use these tactics to fight for climate action. It was slow at first but soon her social media presence expanded and she received national and international coverage. Her defiance paid off, drawing an estimated 4 million people to take the streets in September 2019 in support of Global Climate Strikes, the biggest single day of climate protests in history (Guardian, 2019). This leadership from someone so young on an issue of such importance is, and continues to be, inspiring.

Why is leadership important? Without good leadership, without a moral compass, there is no moral leadership. South Africa is a good example of what happens in a country when there is a lack of moral leadership. What took place in South Africa between 1948 and 1989 during the apartheid era was reprehensible and it happened in a vacuum of moral leadership. President F.W. de Klerk began to institute changes and reforms to dismantle apartheid when he came to power in 1989 and freed Nelson Mandela in 1990. They worked together to change South Africa and this culminated in a new constitution and Mandela becoming President in 1994. Mandela was able to precipitate change along with others who demonstrated courageous leadership alongside him. This shows what happens when moral leadership is introduced and courageous and righteous action is taken. Often people think that something like this could never happen in their own country but as we have seen across the world in recent years, things that would have seemed improbable can happen and all it requires is a lack of moral leadership. 

Why is moral leadership so important to a political forgiveness process? For a political forgiveness process to be successful and if we are to move forward each one of us needs to consider our own actions, our own place in society, and who we want to represent us. Are we looking for morality in leaders? Are we looking for leaders that we can trust? How can we make sure that this is the leadership that we are really getting? The fundamental change we need in society can only be enabled through each of our own actions. We can create the necessary conditions for that change yet it is up to each of us to play our part. We must all think long and hard about who we want representing us, and why. Do we want leaders who will agree with everyone and do nothing or do we want leaders who will do what is right no matter how difficult it is. We can affect change and we must seek to do so in an informed way.