Bringing Together Israeli and Palestinian Families

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Parents Circle – Families Forum

The escalation of the war between Israel and Hamas has brought one parents’ group for peace to the forefront. The Parents Circle – Families Forum (PCFF) is an organization I have been following for years — on of over 600 families on both sides who have lost someone to the ongoing conflict, I’ve admired and respected them for their commitment to a structured program of joint understanding and compassion between Israelis and Palestinians. They believe an end to violence and a sustainable peace can only happen through a process of reconciliation between nations.

In an address to the UN general assembly a few years ago, I shared the story of Robi Damelin, a PCFF member. In one letter, Robi demonstrated the impact that a single individual or group of individuals can have on an international conflict.

Robi was born in South Africa but left her homeland because of Apartheid. She moved to Israel, only to encounter more issues of injustice. Her son David went into the Israeli army and was shot by a Palestinian. Robi wrote this letter to the mother of the Palestinian soldier who killed her son.

“For me, this is one of the most difficult letters I will ever have to write. I am the mother of an Israeli soldier who was killed by your son. If he had known David he could never have done such a thing. David was 28 years old and a student at Tel-Aviv University doing his masters in the Philosophy of Education. He had compassion for all people and understood the suffering of the Palestinians, who he treated with dignity. David was part of the peace movement and did not want to serve in the occupied territories.  Nevertheless, he went to serve when he was called to the reserves.

“Our children do what they do, and do not understand the pain they are causing. Your son is now in jail for many years and I will never be able to hold my son again, or see him married, or have a grandchild from him. I cannot describe to you the pain I feel since his death or the pain of his brother and girl-friend. And all of those who knew and loved him.

“I have worked my whole life for causes of co-existence, both in South Africa and here in Israel. After David was killed I looked for a way to prevent other families, both Israeli and Palestinian, from suffering the dreadful loss my family has endured. I was looking for a way to stop the cycle of violence. Nothing, for me, is more sacred than human life. No revenge or hatred can ever bring my child back.

“A year after David’s death, I joined the Parents Circle – Families Forum. We are a group of over 600 Israeli and Palestinian families who have come together because we have lost an immediate family member in the conflict. We have shown that reconciliation between individuals and nations is possible and it is this insight that we are trying to pass on to both sides of the conflict.

“After your son was captured, I spent many sleepless nights thinking about what to do. Should I ignore the whole thing, or will I be true to myself and the work that I am doing and try to find a way for closure and reconciliation. This is not easy for anyone and I am just an ordinary person. I came to the conclusion that I would like to reconcile. Maybe this is difficult for you to understand or believe, but I know, in my heart of hearts, this is the only path that I can chose.

“I understand that your son is considered a hero by many Palestinian people. He is considered a freedom fighter, fighting for justice and for an independent, viable Palestinian state. I also feel that if he understood that taking the life of another will not get you what you want and that if he understood the consequences of his act, he could see that a non-violent solution is the only way for both nations to live together in peace.

“I have given this letter to people I love and trust to deliver to you. They will tell you of the work we are doing, and perhaps create in your heart some hope for the future. I do not know what your reaction will be. It is a risk for me, but I believe that you will understand, as it comes from the most honest part of me.

“I hope that you will show this letter to your son, and that maybe in the future we can meet.

“Let us put an end to the killing and look for a way, through mutual understanding and empathy, to live a normal life, free of violence.”  — Robi Damlin

Robi is active in the PCFF organization to this day, and was recently profiled in an article, Clinging Onto Hope, by Marina Cantacuzino of The Forgiveness Project.

“I beg you not to take sides,” Robi said, “because your opinions are importing our conflict into your country and creating hate between Jews and Muslims. It doesn’t help us.”

Some might think that not taking sides is turning a blind eye to inequality, but Marina, the author of the article, explained: “[Robi] wasn’t saying don’t protest, she was just saying do it with less righteous anger, and demand an end to violence and the occupation with an emphasis on peace and inclusion. … It doesn’t mean being neutral. It means recognising that there is pain and trauma in both communities and navigating around this agony. If you don’t acknowledge this, you create a vacuum of silence.”

Marina said that silence and erasure are just another form of oppression, and an acknowledgement of the stories and suffering of the victims is an essential step in a process of healing. She quotes Nelson Mandela, who said, “Leaving wounds unattended leads to them festering, and eventually causes greater injury to the body of society.”

In the article Marina describes facilitating a discussion between Robi and Mohamed Abu Jafar, who attended virtually from the West Bank. In the discussion between this Israeli mother who had lost her son to the ongoing conflict and a Palestinian man whose 14-year-old brother had been shot by an Israeli soldier, they talked about “grief and conflict in the context of holding onto our shared humanity.”

In Marina’s experience with The Forgiveness Project one critical ingredient to forgiveness came up over and over again — curiosity. In encouraging the audience to explore the stories of a single Palestinian under siege, or a single Israeli hostage, Robi is asking them to rehumanize the other by “by looking with new eyes and a sense of curiosity.”

Somewhere in the middle, Marina said, is a new consciousness that will be able to “embrace complexity and contradiction at the same time as holding a deep reverence for the sanctity of every human life.”

Political Forgiveness and the Healing of Nations

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Keynote Address to Ethiopia Symposium on Higher Education for Post-Conflict Transformation

This is a condensed version of the keynote speech delivered by Eileen Borris in Addis Ababa on November 6, 2023.

It is such an honor and a pleasure to be invited to Ethiopia and to meet such wonderful people committed to building peace, and to be part of such an exceptional interdisciplinary team. I am grateful to be here.

Political forgiveness is an act that joins truth, tolerance, empathy, and a commitment to repair fractured human relationships in order to support a process of conflict transformation. Theologian Dr. Donald Shriver Jr defines political forgiveness as “a collective turning from the past that neither overlooks justice nor reduces justice to revenge, that insists on the humanity of enemies even in their commission of dehumanizing deeds and values the justice that restores political community above the justice that destroys it.”

In her book, The Human Condition, Jewish philosopher Hannah Arendt commented: “Without being forgiven, released from the consequences of what we have done, our capacity to act would, as it were, be confined to one single deed from which we could never recover, not unlike the sorcerer’s apprentice who lacked the magic formula to break the spell.”

Both Arendt and Shiver understood the importance of political forgiveness—especially in the healing of nations—for without it, the same wars would be fought repeatedly. A political forgiveness process recognizes the importance of justice, healing, and reconciliation as part of post-conflict reconstruction in countries that have experienced forms of protracted violence and civil wars.

Columbia and the Logics of Truth

As we begin the political forgiveness process we are, in a sense, setting the table by creating the space for vulnerable and honest conversations to take place. This sets apart a political forgiveness process from other peacebuilding processes, precisely by focusing on healing the emotions that fuel conflicts to begin with.

The Colombian truth and reconciliation commission has been the only commission that has recognized the importance of healing emotional wounds before reconciliation could take place and included a dialogue process, the “logics of truth” as part of its process. This too is part of the political forgiveness model. People are first asked to only speak of the events that have happened. Once the events have been established the group begins to discuss the meaning or significance of those events. They are then asked, why did these events happen? Again, people come up with many different versions of “truth” since there is not one truth but many. The commission may spend days trying to clarify why these events happened.

When there is a clear understanding of why things happened the way they did, the commission focuses on the third logic of how to overcome what has happened. How can we overcome the problem of these heart-rending events, and how are we going to overcome the logics of violence? The work here is on finding solutions to these problems which have caused the violence. Sometimes this could mean meeting with other groups, writing a letter, asking forgiveness, or letting others know that we have forgiven them. The last logic of truth is healing, and healing has to do with forgiveness. This work has become the backbone of Colombia’s Commission for the Clarification of Truth, Coexistence, and Non-Repetition.

The Future of Ethiopia

I want to thank all of you for listening to something very dear to my heart — healing nations through political forgiveness. Just as Columbia made the impossible become possible, this can happen, too, in Ethiopia.

The Joint Peace Network is a wonderful place to start. Universities supporting the network can become centers of reconciliation and educate people about forgiveness and political forgiveness, teaching the necessary skills to empower people in building the foundation for a culture of political forgiveness and peace. Universities can host a broad range of programs, workshops, and “healing circles” that tackle the issues at hand and the disparities that stem from them. These campus centers can develop a network of facilitators and programs designed to undo harmful stereotypes, rewrite damaging narratives and train people to dismantle false beliefs at the grassroots level.

Change in the world comes from individuals, from inner peace in individual hearts. Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects.

— HH the Dalai Lama

It is possible to do the impossible. We can all take part in bringing this country back together. It begins with a willingness to heal, listen, and respect one another. We can start to lower the temperature by engaging in honest conversation, changing mindsets and writing a narrative that becomes a healing narrative. Forgiveness and political forgiveness will be the key to achieving this.

If we develop the skills and the mindset of forgiveness, we can then extend it to the people we feel close to, which from there can spread to the groups we associate with and the communities we are a part of. If we can begin to look out for each other and be kinder to one another, this can begin a profound healing process. Let us quiet all the noise that divides us, that pits us against one another, and let the voices of our better angels guide us.

Peace Is Not Just the Absence of War

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If I were to ask you what do we mean by peace, most people would speak of it as the absence of war. Peace is more than that. It is a state of mind, a way of being that can only happen when we are centered within ourselves. It happens when we are in touch with the essence of who we are, our spiritual essence. When people have a committed spiritual practice such as meditation or prayer, we see a calmness about them, a peacefulness of sorts. And when people come from a place of inner peace, that exudes outwardly in this world.

We can also ask ourselves what do we mean by justice. I am not talking about criminal justice we hear about in the courts but a higher justice. It is the kind of justice that recognizes all people are accorded basic human rights and transcends divisions of class, race, nationality and the many “isms” that can separate us. The virtue of justice requires not only that we judge others fairly but also that we judge ourselves fairly. Our sense of justice is formed by our beliefs. Just people are wise in the ways of fairness, equality and mercy. People who believe in justice question themselves, are aware of their own mistakes and so they are forgiving of others.

Working for justice is a spiritual practice. It increases our awareness of the interrelatedness of all people and the interdependence of life. Only a quest for justice can awaken our spiritual perception. A commitment to justice may foster a renewed perception of this spiritual reality — as we feel the suffering of others who we regard as strangers with our own selves. It is this kind of empathy which helps us be able to forgive.

This brings me to the work of forgiveness. Social transformation is brought about when individuals and groups are willing to be changed, even as they strive to change the world. Forgiveness, our inner healer is about change. To forgive on a transformational level we have to look within ourselves and shine a light on our darkness to be healed at a deep level. When we truly can forgive, we are given the gift of the experience of inexplicable love which changes us so as though there has been an interior renovation which has taken place and has no need for outer instruction. We have experienced the power of unconditional love and of the knowing or our spiritual connectiveness. The way we cultivate peace in our own hearts that is so powerful that we can weather any storm is through our connection with our spiritual self. The path that gets us there is through forgiveness. This is how forgiveness changes us and transforms us. The way this happens is as we shine a light on ourselves, we also recognize the light in others. It is through this lens that we view justice and know peace. This is where our greatest transformation lies.

Deep Healing and Emotional Expression: Political Forgiveness as a Unique Peacebuilding Process

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On April 6, 1994, a plane carrying both the presidents of Burundi and Rwanda was shot down over the Rwandan capital, Kigali, leaving no survivors. Although it was thought that Hutu extremist were responsible for the downing of the plane, there were allegations placed on RPF (Rwandan Patriotic Front) leaders for what happened. This ignited a bloodbath, lasting 100 days killing between 800,000 and a million people. Across the airwaves there was talk fueling the massacre by inciting Hutu’s to eliminate those “Tutsi cockroaches.” Less than 30 minutes after the plane crash the atrocities began creating unimaginable fear, suffering and death. The killing shocked the international community and were clearly acts of genocide.

The Rwandan genocide was the culmination of decades of oppression and hatred towards the Tutsi by the Hutu majority group members. Beginning with Belgian rule, colonial policies fostered divisions between the Hutu and the Tutsi, according to Jeremy Maron writing for the Canadian Museum for Human Rights. The Belgians viewed the Tutsi minority as superior and favored them for leadership positions which created ongoing and deepening tensions between Hutu and Tutsi. The civil war was in part due to the long-standing emotional undertow which was never resolved between the Hutu and Tutsi peoples that boiled over into a conflict between the Tutsi-led RPF and the Hutu-controlled government. Unfortunately, even with the cries of “never again,” genocide keeps rearing its ugly head in other parts of the world.

Genocide doesn’t just happen. It takes years in the making and is fueled by intense emotions, which never get resolved but are left alone to fester like a ticking time bomb ready to detonate. Not dealing with the undertow of strong emotions is inviting violence to take place. Rwanda and other countries where there has been genocide, repeated violence, and unresolved conflicts serve as examples. As a result, peace treaties often fail and negotiations end in an impasse. Emotions can be very difficult to deal with, but if ignored violence will rear its ugly head.

Peacebuilding measures address the issues which appear to be the immediate cause of the conflict, but for the most part ignore the emotions that fuel the conflict. A political forgiveness process is uniquely different than other peacebuilding measures — it provides a healing mechanism to deal with the emotional undertow that keeps a conflict alive. Political forgiveness builds a structure to contain the deep undercurrent of emotions that inevitably arise, and provides a way for these forceful emotions to be resolved, making this process distinct from other processes such as mediation, peacemaking, or reconciliation. Indeed, high emotions and deep division, are often a direct result of oppression, dehumanization, and polarization, often stoking grievances, hatred, and the need for revenge. Political forgiveness is the only peacebuilding process that consciously supports participants in expressing their strong emotions, which ultimately can lead to a transformation of the conflict.

Why is a process such as political forgiveness so hard to achieve? When thinking about something as horrifying as the Holocaust or the Rwandan genocide, our feelings about what took place are so abhorrent that we feel the people who committed these crimes are so stained with evil that there is nothing they could do which would warrant forgiveness. Even if we recognize that perhaps they are not inherently evil, morally they are not deserving of forgiveness. Our belief is that they are incapable of change and what they have done permanently defines who they are. Believing someone is unforgivable is very different than not being ready to forgive someone. It involves how someone feels about the innate worth of the wrongdoer.

While holding on to the belief that someone is unforgivable, what one is also saying is that this person is inherently morally inferior and not capable of change. As Christopher Bennett said in the European Journal of Philosophy: “Not to recognize a person as a member of the moral community would mean that it was no longer possible … to involve them in any dialogue on questions of value or policies or responsibilities and no longer possible to engage with them in a trusting relationship.” This has very important implications for any political forgiveness process.

The most important reason to consider forgiveness is that people may not recognize an unforgiving attitude is not much different than the moral outlook of dehumanizing evil. We are maintaining the belief in the perpetrator’s inferior nature, just as the perpetrator holds on to the belief of inferiority towards their targets. Perpetrators of dehumanizing evil see their victims only as objects of hate and morally inferior. The unforgiving stance views the perpetrator as morally inferior, never to be taken into moral consideration. Perpetrators of dehumanizing evil define the victim by only one aspect of who they are. If the victim for example is a Tutsi during the Rwandan genocide, that alone would determine their intrinsic worth which can never be changed. Holding an unforgiving attitude does the same by objectifying the wrongdoer. What we are now saying is, “I am not inferior, you are.” We are doing the same thing that we are accusing the perpetrator of doing.

Are there implications for what is taking place within the United States today where racism is on the rise, culture wars are being played out and shootings the daily fare? Are we holding whoever we deem as “the other” unforgivable because we see them as inferior, less than us and therefore not deserving of being forgiven? Are we too afraid to come together and address the pain and suffering that all of us feel because of the anger and hate we feel inside?

We need to have forgiveness in politics precisely because there are wrongs suffered that can never be put right. By demonstrating forgiveness on a political level, it opens space for people to unburden themselves, at least partially, from the hold the past has on them, to relate to others in a more productive way and to have a more peaceful future. This is where its power lies and what it means for forgiveness to be political. Forgiveness is not easy. Political forgiveness is not easy either. It is a complex undertaking and the process must be crafted to the specific situation it is intended to address. If a political forgiveness process is to be successful it must work for, and with, the local community it intends to help. There are no one-size fits all processes. As we have seen so often, around the world, processes that include elements of political forgiveness instituted by outside forces, and not led by local society, often fail, and end up right back where they started. This kind of approach does not create a lasting sustainable peace. Consultation, inclusion, and understanding are key elements in any political forgiveness process. When done with these elements in mind a profound healing can take place and conflict can be transformed.

Forgiveness: Breaking the Cycle of Hate

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In Aftermath of 2015 Terror Attacks on France, Voices of Forgiveness Began to Heal the Divide.

Horrific events are shocking, leaving in their aftermath pain and suffering. This was certainly true on November 13, 2015, when multiple sites in Paris were attacked by a 10-man unit of Islamic State terrorists in the deadliest peacetime attack on French soil. One of the sites hit was the Bataclan concert hall, as reported in an article by The Guardian’s Angelique Chrisafis. Three young gunmen entered the hall, killing 90 people who were attending a concert by the Eagles of Death Metal. The terrorists took some hostages, but a little after midnight when security forces stormed the hall, the terrorists detonated their own suicide belts.

On that horrific night, Georges Salines lost his 28-year-old daughter, Lola. Later he testified about his loss at what was widely considered the greatest criminal trial ever held in France, where hundreds of people who survived also shared gripping details of their ordeal. In the article, “Paris Attacks Trial to Conclude After 10 Months of Harrowing Testimony,” Salines was quoted as saying “What I felt from the start was the absurdity of these terrorist attacks where young people killed other young people.” And yet, he did not feel hate. During the trial, he listened to the testimony of Sister Danielle who was taken hostage and witnessed a horrific attack on an 86-year-old priest, Father Hamel, who was forced to his knees while his attackers slit his throat in Saint-Etienne du Rouvray. When a relative of Father Hamel said: ‘We were so sad, there wasn’t any room left for hate,’ Salinas felt something inside himself that found her words very true. Father Philippe Maheut, vicar general of the Rouen diocese, spoke to The Guardian afterward sharing a very important message: “We have to continue to meet, to know each other, understand each other, support each other. Perhaps the death of this poor man will produce an electroshock and will be such a strong symbol that people will say we have to do something, but we have said that before.” 

In the Guardian article, “Fathers of Forgiveness: The Extraordinary Friendship Formed in the Shadow of the Bataclan,’ Steve Rose reported how the events of that night took on a strange turn, bringing two unlikely men together who, by all accounts, should never have met: Salines who lost his daughter, and the father of one of the attackers who murdered his daughter. Azdyne Amimour, the father of the attacker, only learned of his son’s involvement two days after the attack when interrogating officers went to his home to inform Amimour that his son, Samy, was one of the perpetrators and had been shot dead by French police. Amimour didn’t even know that his son was in the country, no less would do such a thing. When he heard the news, he was shocked, angered, and very distressed, concerned for his son and for what he had done, feeling these emotions all at once. That night became the worst night of both men’s lives filling them with overwhelming pain. Earlier that day Salines had been enjoying a swim with his daughter. Later that night he was desperately hoping that she was still alive. Amimour had no idea that his son was gone forever, or for what reason, ending his life doing something so horrific and difficult for Amimour to comprehend.

It wasn’t until February 27, 2017, at a café in central Paris that Georges Salines and Azdyne Amimour first met, according to Rose. No questions were asked during the first meeting and instead, Amimour gave a long account of his own story and that of his son, who after starting law school slowly became radicalized, disappeared overnight, and resurfaced in Syria, and of Amimour’s own journey to Syria to find his son, only to be met by rejection. Over the course of their relationship, the men weren’t afraid of discussing extraordinarily painful subjects, which at times were very emotionally charged. Yet, despite their disagreements, they listened to one another in a deeply respectful way. Their goal was to have a better understanding of what had happened and why, to better prevent it from happening again. They wanted to heal hate, especially the hate the Islamic State wanted to initiate between the Muslim and non-Muslim world. Salines recognized this vicious circle and felt that reaching out to Amimour was a small attempt to break that cycle and possibly help heal a divide. Amimour felt the same too.

‘I think [forgiveness] can simply mean that you no longer seek revenge.’ — Georges Salines

After the Paris attacks, many rushed to blame the parents of the attackers. However, Salines dared to see things differently. He viewed the parents as fellow victims — especially Amimour. Salines took the time to understand the jihadist history and the psychological landscape that creates a situation that pushes people toward their movement. Salines understood that Amimour could not have prevented his son from going down the path of extremism. Through his willingness to understand, Salines was able to grow in empathy for all those who were suffering because of that tragic evening. He felt that talking with Amimour, a tolerant Muslim, yet father of a jihadist, showed others that it is possible to talk to one another and to take down the walls of mistrust, anger, and hatred which was dividing society. Amimour, too, knowing that people could possibly hate him, understood the pain Salines was feeling and as a gesture of compassion reached out to him.

Over time, Salines realized that forgiveness was the only way to heal the pain and suffering on all sides of the divide, no matter how difficult learning to forgive may be. He understood that it is only possible to forgive when the harm has been done to you directly. You can’t forgive for others — yet, no matter what, you can decide not to seek revenge, which is a great step forward in restoring peace. Since getting to know one another the two men have worked on strategies to prevent something like what happened at Bataclan from happening again by giving talks and workshops, especially with governments, schools, and prisons. Their message is always that of hope, friendship, and forgiveness in the shadow of the darkest night of their lives, the attack on Bataclan.

SOURCES

The Gifts of Forgiveness: A Personal Story

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By Karen Long

NOTE FROM EILEEN: Recently my editor, Karen Long, shared with me a story of forgiveness from her own life, and I asked her to tell it here. With the permission of her son and his father, Karen tells the story of how the three of them created a comfortable and easygoing co-parenting relationship after divorce, through the liberation of forgiveness.

As I was editing chapter two of Eileen’s forthcoming book, Healing Hate in America, I read this passage, “To be free of that anger would be liberating, and that freedom is what we call forgiveness.” I was swept up in gratitude because I’d personally experienced the liberation and healing power of forgiveness.

In 2021 when my son went away to college, both his father and I were there to help him move in. Darryl and I had separated in 2007 when Kellen was five, and yet, here we all were together, carrying boxes, bags, backpacks and Kellen’s monstera plant up to his new dorm room, laughing and joking the whole time without a trace of awkwardness. Afterwards we all went out for lunch, and Kellen posted a picture of the three of us to his Instagram story with the caption, “Moving in featuring my makers.”

It wasn’t always like this. When Darryl and I started the discussions that led to our divorce, I was blindsided — although I shouldn’t have been. While I knew things weren’t good between us, I vaguely figured that things would get better, or eventually we’d work on our issues. But I didn’t have the communication skills to initiate the conversations that needed to happen. The previous year we had moved to Amsterdam for Darryl’s job and, of all the outcomes I envisioned, becoming a single mother was not one of them. Still, we made a commitment to each other to put Kellen’s interests first, as well as our own agreement to practice openness and honesty — both within ourselves and towards each other — something we hadn’t been able to do while married.

When Darryl moved back to Los Angeles, I remained in Amsterdam with Kellen, with the agreement that we’d all talk on Skype once a week on Saturdays. Sitting a five-year-old in front of the webcam every week and facilitating a conversation between him and my estranged husband was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. Many times I was holding back tears while holding it together for Kellen. But all three of showed up every single week, 52 times a year, and bit by bit it became easier. Eventually Kellen and I moved back to my home town of Wichita, Kansas. By that point, at the end of our web chats instead of weeping I’d say to Kellen: “That was a pretty good talk wasn’t it?”

While I’d taken responsibility for my own role in the end of my marriage to Darryl, I knew I also needed to forgive him. But how? The hurt was an inflamed ball in my core eating away at me. With the support of friends, spiritual mentors and various modes of body work over the years I went on to have several major breakthroughs in forgiveness, peeling away the layers like an onion, as so often happens with emotional healing. One of my most important realizations was that forgiveness is a process, with its own ups and down — what’s important is your commitment to it, even when you’re feeling your most resentful and unforgiving.

Over the years, Kellen, Darryl, and I continued our weekly Saturday chats through Kellen’s Boy Scout years, karate belt ceremonies, piano recitals, middle school science fairs, birthdays and holidays. While Darryl and I still had occasional tense moments between ourselves, our Saturday chats became easier and easier, until the vast majority of them were “good conversations.” 

When Kellen was 13, he and I ran up against a stark difference of opinion on which high school he should attend; we called an emergency family meeting and Darryl supported my decision. Kellen went on to have a great high school experience and was accepted into every college he applied to, and I was immensely grateful his dad and I had the kind of relationship where we could work through these life issues together.

I’m not gonna lie: The forgiveness process was painful, especially in the beginning, full of ups and downs and seeming reversals. But I’m proud of all three of us for meeting our individual emotional journeys head on, and for showing up week after week for the Saturday webcam chats — which was the most important thing. At some point the Saturday chats became Sunday chats, and when Kellen was packing to go away to college, he was the one who said, “We’re going to continue our talks when I’m at college right.” It was also his idea for us to watch the entire Star Wars saga together, in chronological order, so we’ve added an hour of Disney Plus GroupWatch to our weekly schedule, and engage in rollicking discussions about the episodes afterwards. Whenever Darryl comes to visit Kellen and his side of the family in Wichita, he also makes a point to get together with me and my side of the family. 

The three of us appreciate the free and supportive family dynamic we’ve cultivated to support Kellen through 15 years of life’s celebrations and crises. Reading Eileen’s chapter, I became overwhelmingly grateful for the liberation of knowing that trend would continue into Kellen’s future: As Kellen goes through grad school applications, career milestones, relationships and possibly starting his own family, Darryl and I will both be there for him in full joy and power. Without tension, without awkwardness, without our own drama distracting from Kellen.

And the forgiveness arc still brings surprises. Last Christmas Darryl sent Kellen and me a mystery box in Wichita, not to be opened until we got together on Christmas Eve to open our gifts to each other. On the webcam that evening I was startled to find that Darryl had bought all of us matching red-and-black buffalo-print pajamas. And candles. 

“We can all wear our pajamas and light our candles while we open our gifts!” Darryl said. 

This was not a family tradition we’d ever celebrated when we all lived under one roof, nor was it anything I’d ever dreamed of in my wildest forgiveness fantasies. When I committed to the forgiveness journey years ago, I had no idea of the liberation, healing, and empowerment it could bring, bordering on the miraculous.

I’m excited to see where it takes us next.

Braver Angels: A Political Forgiveness Model in Action

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“We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will yet sell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be by the better angels of our nature.” — Abraham Lincoln

With our country so divided and polarized it seems hard to imagine that we can ever come back together again as a nation. A political forgiveness process can help us stitch together the torn fabric of our society by offering a process on an individual, community, and national level, focusing on the lowering of anger and intolerance and the fostering of empathy and forgiveness. It is a process whereby parties in conflict make a commitment to one another to limit hostility, move on from the past, and rebuild communities and, hopefully, nations. An aspect of a political forgiveness process is building trust between antagonistic groups. This includes addressing affective political polarization, the phenomenon where individuals’ feelings and emotions towards members of their own political party or group become more positive, while their feelings towards members of the opposing party or group become more negative. Affective political polarization erodes trust in each other and in our institutions, producing policy gridlock, eroding civil society, and lowering the caliber of our citizenship. 

Affective political polarization has been on the rise long before the 2016 election where belief has grown that political opponents are not only wrong in what they think and believe — they have become enemies. Braver Angels, an organization whose mission is to bring Americans together to bridge the partisan divide and strengthen our democratic republic, focuses on building civic trust and healing the wounds between left and right. Their work was inspired by the words of Abraham Lincoln, who not only called on Americans to summon the “better angels” of our nature — but called on us to find the courage needed to pursue a more perfect union, “with malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right.” We do need more courage, and more bravery to be willing to come together and work together, even when we disagree, and it is Braver Angels that makes this happen.

Tips for Depolarization

Braver Angel’s inception took place in December 2016 when co-founders David Blankenhorn, Bill Doherty, and David Lapp came together with a remarkable idea for bringing people together as the country was going through one of the most divisive elections in US history. They brought together 10 Trump supporters and 11 Clinton supporters in South Lebanon, Ohio to participate in a workshop that was to become the first Red/Blue Workshop. Their goal was simple. They wanted to see if Americans could still disagree respectfully — and just maybe, find common ground. There were skeptics who believed this could not happen, and the skeptics were proven wrong. The workshop succeeded and those who began the process recognized this was only the beginning. This was the beginning of the organization originally known as Better Angels. Word spread and by 2019 Better Angels, now called Braver Angels, became the leader of a movement not only to de-polarize politics but to “re-imagine” what it meant to be an American. 

In the Red/Blue Workshop, 5–8 Republican-leaning citizens (“Reds”) and 5–8 Democratic-leaning citizens (“Blues”) gather together for a half day or full day of structured conversations. Independents are also welcome to attend but are asked that, for the purposes of the workshop, they identify as leaning either Red or Blue or participate as observers. The purpose of the workshop is to better understand the experiences and beliefs of those on the other side of the political divide, to see if there are areas of commonality in addition to differences, and to learn something that might be helpful to others in our community and the nation.

After a brief introduction and discussion of the ground rules, participants then get involved in several different exercises such as a stereotype exercise where they divide into Red and Blue groups to discuss and report back on the most common false stereotypes or misconceptions of their side, why these stereotypes are wrong, what is true instead, and whether there is a kernel of truth in the stereotype. Other workshops include The Depolarizing Within Workshop designed to foster skills to lessen the effects of polarization when you encounter them in your political conversations. The Families and Politics Workshop gives strategies and skills for handling family political differences in a constructive way, and Race Conversations enable participants to talk about race in an inquisitive, non-judgmental way. Their Braver Politics Initiatives takes the philosophy and mission of Braver Angels and applies it in a political setting, involving politicians and their staff by engaging them in Red/Blue Workshops tailored to their needs.

There are several key findings worth mentioning as the result of the workshop. Eighty-two percent of Braver Angels participants feel more comfortable with people on the opposite political side. Eighty-six percent feel they understand the other, and 71 percent feel understood by the other side. Eighty-eight percent have a better handle on their inner polarizer and 81 percent feel prepared to apply their new skills. 

Braver Angels describes a political forgiveness model in action. They work with individuals, communities, and on a national level doing transformative work, which is the focus of political forgiveness. What if we applied the principles of forgiveness to this work? Will it deepen the healing process and help build a culture of political forgiveness? This is the intention of the “Healing Hate in America” project which is in the development stages working with Braver Angels, and which combines the teaching of forgiveness in a dialogue and an experiential process with the focus of bringing people together to heal hate in our country. There is great work being done in this country, work focusing on what can unite us. All of us can get involved with this work, and find hope.

Inequality, Polarization, and the Importance of Casting Your Vote

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Inequality and polarization are plaguing our society, ripping apart the fabric of this nation. It is not an isolated problem and all of us are part of this and need to take responsibility for where we are. What are we going to do about it? Vote. Simply vote. We all need to exercise our democratic right to cast our ballots on November 8th in the midterm elections and vote for what is important to each of us. Vote your conscience, vote for the change you want to see happen. Is it a change in politics, a different kind of society? You vote for what you want to see reflected in the country we live in. This is your democratic right, and indeed, your responsibility.

This is an important time in our country right now. It doesn’t matter what side of the aisle you are on, you need to have your voice heard. To not exercise that right is to be complicit in a faltering democracy and to agree with the status quo. One thing hopefully we can agree on, regardless of politics, is the importance of bringing people back together, healing the division in our country and making sure that we are electing people representing community interests and that those elected to positions of power are working to make society better for all of us. Democracy just doesn’t happen. We consciously need to think about what we want and actively build democracy up and preserve it. Democracy cannot exist if people just accept the status quo and don’t participate in it. If we don’t take part, we are at risk of losing it. This is what makes our country different from authoritarian types of government where people are just told and/or coerced into doing what is preferable for those in charge.

What does it mean to be in a democracy and what are our responsibilities as citizens participating in a democratic government? Clearly, voting is a primary way of participating in a democracy but we can’t stop there. We can also have our voices heard when we contact our senators, congressmen and women and State officials to tell them how we feel and outline our concerns about issues important to us. The people we elect are elected to represent each of us, not just those that voted for them on the ballot paper but all those in the locality, State or country. This is a profound responsibility and it is up to each of us to ensure that these elected officials are representing us in the right way and are held to account where necessary.

The importance of voting and the environment in which this midterm is of significant importance. There is deep political polarization, division, and contempt for the ‘other’. We have choices to make. Do we want to keep things the way they are, do we want more of what is happening, or do we want to move back a bit from the brink of what is currently taking place in our country? For change to take place we need to choose people who are going to represent our communities with an open mind, want to work with others where progress can be achieved, and are willing to take us down a different and more inclusive path. That is the choice we will have to make on November 8th. 

Our country is unique because of the rights we have that democracy affords us. These rights are not universal. There are places where you can’t vote, or your vote is not counted or your vote doesn’t matter or your vote cannot have an impact on society. This is not the case in the United States. The action of voting is so important, something that we need to cherish and something we certainly do not want to lose. Every American citizen has a right to vote and should be encouraged and allowed to vote. No US citizen has more of a right to vote than another and we should all embrace that right. It does not matter if you are voting Republican or Democrat, from a red state or a blue state, your right to vote is equal to anyone else’s right to vote.

Attempting to prevent others from voting who are legally entitled to vote would be denying them their rights in a democratic society. What happens on November 8th will impact the course of our nation over the next few years and beyond. If you don’t use your vote for what you truly want to see in your society, there is a good chance that your vote isn’t going to matter next time, or your vote will become irrelevant. This comes back to the idea of what a democracy is all about, and in the words of Abraham Lincoln when giving the Gettysburg Address, can we support a “government of the people, by the people, for the people, (which) shall not perish from the earth”. This is what our government was intended to be and therefore we should use our right to vote and seek the change that we are looking for.

Democracy is fragile, never more so than today, and many people may not truly understand what a democracy is or will have taken it for granted which is reflected when you don’t exercise your right to vote. What is implicit in this is that you are assuming that someone else is going to speak on your behalf and vote for the democracy you hold dear. We also need to think about how the actions of the politicians that we are voting for will affect our lives and the lives of the generations to come. To make an informed decision you have to know the facts and in order to know the facts you have to understand the source of information you are getting your facts from. Is it directly from the politicians themselves, from reliable sources where you can do your own fact-checking? It is sometimes hard to understand the truth of what is happening with all the noise, but it is all of your responsibility to do so. We can’t just listen to one source but we need to find those unbiased resources to enable us to do our own critical thinking and not let others decide for us. This is what is meant to participate in a democracy and to be responsible citizens. 

It takes commitment and work on all our parts so we can make clear judgments as to what is taking place in our country so we can make the right choices for the greatest good for all citizens living in this country. This doesn’t come easy and for some, it may be easier to let someone else do this for us but we can’t afford to be complacent and allow others to think for ourselves. We need to gather facts and be willing to talk to others who may not hold our same views to get a broader understanding of what may be best for all of us. This is what it means to actively participate in a democracy. We should recognize this as a privilege and something none of us should take for granted. A young democracy like ours is delicate and needs to be nurtured in healthy ways for it to grow in the ways it is meant to, an inclusive one which hears everyone’s voice and takes in the needs and concerns of all citizens here in the United States. If we allow this to grow and flourish then we will have a healthy democracy, a strong country that allows everyone to have a good life. 

When we truly understand the power of equality, we will all want to make sure that this is given to every one of us. When we recognize that we are all in this together and that by understanding and respecting one another we grow together in transformative ways. This is what truly makes our country great. We want to be able to live our lives in the way we want to live them, and to have the right to make our own decisions that will impact our families and our way of life. To do this we need to think, make our voices heard and of course get out and vote!

‘The Big Lie’ and The Impact On Our Society

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If you turn on the news it won’t be long before you will hear reference to ‘The Big Lie’.  ‘The Big Lie’, which has become so divisive in our nation, our communities, and even within our own families, alleges that the 2020 Presidential Election was ‘stolen’, an idea maintained by former President Donald Trump, his allies in the Republican Party, and his supporters. This inflamed rhetoric led to the insurrection of the Capitol on January 6th. It is a belief that denies reality, justifies violence, and sows the seeds of anger in society and hatred of the ‘other’, which is in this case, anyone who does not believe ‘The Big Lie.’ It is a conspiracy theory like no other and has furthered the divide in our society, pitting communities, neighbors, and even family members against each other who are on opposite sides of the argument. 

 

Statistics demonstrate this point. According to a CNN poll conducted in the summer of 2021, 36% of Americans did not believe that President Biden legitimately won the election, and among Republicans, that number jumped to 78%. Similar results were found in an NPR/PBS/Newshour/Marist Poll conducted in October 2021 where 75% of Republicans felt Trump was the legitimate winner. ‘The Big Lie’ has become so entrenched in our politics now that some state legislatures are attempting to ensure that mechanisms are put in place whereby they can overrule voters and substitute their own state of electors to choose the winner. This is a very serious threat to our democracy plain and simple. 

 

If we think about it, strip away the politics of the issue, and look at it through a different prism, how has one conspiracy theory become so prevalent in our politics and, more broadly, in our society?  How have we let it further deepen the divide and perpetuate an ‘us vs them’ environment? Fundamentally, and oversimplifying it for a moment, a difference in belief and opinions has been allowed to tear away at the very social fabric of our society to come between families, friends, communities, etc. On a very basic level, how can society and individuals deal with something like this, a belief or differing opinion which is given such importance in people’s lives? 

 

A loyal fanatic sports fan, whose team has a big local rival does not generally allow this to limit their friendships or interactions outside the arena of sports, so why is it so different in political ideology or political beliefs? Yes, many would attach more importance to political ideology or beliefs than sports or other areas of life, but do we define ourselves solely by political ideology? If I ask you ‘what defines you?’, what would you say? Would your answer simply be ‘Republican’ or ‘Democrat’? In the vast majority of cases, it is unlikely, so we can say there is more to a person and what defines them than political ideology. They may be a partner, a parent, a friend, a teacher, a librarian, a religious or spiritual person, a conservationist, a lover of the outdoors, or have many other defining characteristics, traits, or hobbies. We are more than just a political ideology or political affiliation; we have to be. 

 

We need to choose a less divisive path forward where people can have strong beliefs and convictions, yes, but their whole being is not defined by this, whether Republican or Democrat or the often forgotten ‘other’. No free-thinking person agrees with anyone, let alone any party or politician, 100% of the time, so why should they be 100% defined by a party or politician? They shouldn’t and we should challenge the belief that they should when we hear and see it. If there is a difficult divisive topic or significant issue at play it is bound to heighten tensions, stir up debate, and pit one side against another, that is the society and politics we currently have. So, what can we do? Yes, we can air opinions, forcefully debate the issue, defend a position and explain it, but let us not seek to attack those with opposing views and dehumanize them, let us not seek to use this issue as a reason to hate, let us be more respectful. There may be a significant issue at play, but it doesn’t mean that we individually, or collectively as a country, should be defined by it. Any issue should not have a disproportionate impact on everyone’s lives. 

 

We do not have to be defined by political beliefs, not individually or as a country. What is happening now in the United States is not normal – it doesn’t happen as a matter of course in western civilization. What is happening is the divide that has long been present is deepening. This division and polarization are a real and urgent concern and something that we need to tackle now to stop it from getting worse and to stop it from going past the point of no return. The current environment in which we are living is a clear and present danger for all of us. To move forward, to have a society that can come together, the divided nature of society in this country needs to be repaired. The political polarization and the dehumanization that started within the political arena have long since spilled over into society, past political parties, and into other areas of people’s lives, and communities. It is so widespread across the nation that we need to take action to heal the country, to heal that division, and bring us back to the center point where things like cooperation with those seen as the ‘other’ now do not seem completely off the table. 

 

One way to address this division is through a political forgiveness process, a process which can help transform our thinking where we can begin to understand one another at a deeper level, have empathy for the ‘other’ and which can help all of us change our mindsets to be more accepting of the ‘other’. A political forgiveness process focuses on all levels of society bringing everyone together in a healing capacity that can ultimately bring peace and stability to all of us individually, to our communities, and to our nation. We can no longer wait to engage in a healing process. We must start now.

A Changing Landscape: Historic Change in Colombia

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In Bogota, there has been a change in mood with unprecedented changes taking place in Colombia. The recent election of Gustavo Pedro, the first leftist candidate in decades, and a black female Vice President, Francia Marquez, has marked a once unthinkable shift away from the elitist politicians and parties who have held power for generations. Colombia has traveled a long road to reach this point, through conflict, hardship and suffering. Colombia today is to be commended for its impressive progress toward building a culture of political forgiveness, that is not to say it has managed to get everything right or that the journey is over. 

From 2012 to 2016, the Colombian government and the militant groups FARC-EP held peace talks which eventually culminated in a final agreement that sought to end the long-standing conflict and begin to build a platform for peace in the nation. There are elements of a political forgiveness process taking place in Colombia and these are reflected in the final agreement commencing with the cessation of violence, the inclusion of all members of society, a strong victim focus, the uncovering of a more complete story, and a search for the truth through a truth commission. There was also a commitment to create structural changes which would support Colombia’s healing. The agreement was first reached and signed on August 24th, 2016. This agreement was put to a referendum which failed by a very narrow margin, 50.2% to 49.8% which led to revisions of the agreement. Following these revisions the new agreement was signed on November 24th, 2016 and this was submitted to Congress for approval. On November 29th, 2016, the Senate approved the deal 75-0 and the House of Representatives approved it the next day by 130-0. The agreement focused on specific issues pertaining to the conflict, which were negotiated as separate agreements and then all agreed upon as a whole.

The aspect of the agreement that reflected a political forgiveness process in particular was in respect of the victims of the conflict. The agreement created the Comprehensive System for Truth, Justice, Reparations and Non-recurrence. It is composed of the Truth, Coexistence and Non-Recurrence Commission, the National Center for Historical Memory, which also serves as the Special Unit for the Search for Persons Deemed as Missing in the context of and due to the armed conflict, and the Special Jurisdiction for Peace (JEP), the court of transitional justice that will function for fifteen years, this term can be extended for another five if required. The truth commission is the culmination of a painstaking process of searching for, and producing, truth on the national level. What makes this part of the agreement unique is its focus on the victims and the healing aspects which can set the stage for political forgiveness to take place. As a result of real determination and immense pressure from victims’ groups, the parties to the negotiation eventually agreed to address the victims’ claims as a central element of the terms of the agreement. 

The truth commission finalized its work in 2021 and the final report which was released recently, in July 2022, seeking to dignify the victims and shed light on the barbarity of the armed actors. As evidenced in the report, there has been a real concerted effort made, more so than in any other similar process in any country to date, which focused on the whole of society. This is reflected in the report which includes a gender chapter that focuses on violence against women and the LGBTQ+ population, an ethnic chapter that describes patterns of violence against indigenous and afro-descendant populations, and a chapter dedicated to those people in exile giving voice and addressing the invisible experience of Colombians who had to leave the country because of the war. This real effort by the truth commission to include all should be commended and it should be a feature of any similar processes from the outset moving forward.

 

And What About Political Forgiveness?

The core of the Final Agreement to End Armed Conflict is a healing component focusing on the victims of the conflict. It addresses the healing of pain and suffering, changing mindsets, implementing changes in a restorative way, and changing structures unique to Colombia, especially with regard to the victims of the conflict. When examining all these programs together, it is clear that a foundation is being constructed for a political forgiveness culture to be built upon. To date, Colombia is unique in its approach to building this foundation. When you review what has taken place in South Africa and other countries, Colombia has taken the next steps down this trajectory and its process can serve as a model for other countries. It is not perfect, there have been many setbacks along the way, and there will probably continue to be setbacks. Healing the divides of a country takes time and everyone has to be willing to do their part, it is not easy or quick work. As time goes on more learning will take place. Colombia has taken an important step in the process of political forgiveness and hopefully the work done in this country can serve as a model for others to build upon as the global community continues its journey, attempting to make this a more peaceful place.  

Father Leonel Narváez, the founder of Fundación Para La Reconciliación in Bogota has worked closely with Colombia’s truth commission and in the negotiations between the Colombian government and the FARC. When asked what he personally thought about the progress and changes in Colombia he said he felt that after 20 years of his work in political forgiveness there is now a resurgence of people thinking about forgiveness, and there is a more receptive appetite for forgiveness among the Colombian people. The future looks bright to Narváez who views the changes taking place as positive and hopeful. Narváez and others who contributed to this difficult work and process have a lot to be proud of. There is an air of optimism throughout the country and many are excited and supportive of the new leftist government. Gustavo Pedro, the incoming President, has received a great deal of support from other parties, including those on the extreme right. He is taking the recommendations of the truth commission report very seriously which should hopefully have a very beneficial impact on the Colombian people. For Narváez with all the positive changes taking place in Colombia anything is possible moving forward but the determination and hard work only begins in earnest now.