A Pitbull Attorney Changes Heart
How many of you have ever needed to go to court? Perhaps it was for a divorce, a custody hearing, or a settlement dispute. Some of these experiences can become very contentious, and at times people think they need a “pit bull” attorney. Well, do I have a guy for you! But wait. This “pit bull” attorney has just gone soft, or so some people might think. Why? After going through it all, having been a hard-charging trial attorney and then a judge, he saw something unfortunate happen to his clients, even those who actually won — they often walked away frustrated, deflated, and further from a real solution. He then had an epiphany that propelled him from courtroom combat to mediation, making him someone who truly wanted to resolve conflict rather than send people home feeling empty inside.
Sam Imperati and Pragmatic Forgiveness
I am talking about Sam Imperati, an attorney who represented labor unions and their members. He was a trial attorney ensconced in an adversarial system who later became a judge. He saw it all when the epiphany came — that there must be a better way. Going through his own divorce, which wasn’t his idea, added to this thinking. He didn’t want to make things ugly or drag the kids in. This is where the story gets interesting. Sam recognized that he could indulge his emotionality and, frankly, his anger at what happened and why, but he didn’t want to hurt his kids. He felt something different could be done. And that is how he got his foot in the door with forgiveness. It was a pragmatic choice. He wanted to let go of his emotional burden and not become bitter and angry. He also realized if people could just get to that place, that in itself is very powerful—even transformative. And this can impact everyone around you in a much more positive way.
Choosing an Island
So Sam began to think: How do good mediators really help people resolve conflicts? It starts with establishing neutrality, weighing the options, and choosing a course of action that serves them well. Sam likes to bring in a bit of Dr. Phil: “How is this working for you?” “Tell me more.” “Can you imagine a place where that wouldn’t be burdensome?” Sam would compare where they are now—“pain island”—a place where the cost is holding onto grievances and grudges, with “pleasure island,” where they enjoy life. But in order to get to pleasure island, you will just have to forgive.
Pragmatic. That was the word Sam used, which got him thinking about forgiveness. That word opened the door to something deeper, which Sam didn’t realize at the time. Although Sam would never use the label “spiritual” for himself or call himself altruistic, he may have been leading his clients down that path. Let me explain.
The Sound of Inner Shifting
So much of what happens during mediation is a battle of the egos. My side must prevail. I am right, you are wrong. That kind of thing. But what if we really do want a good outcome for everyone—not just one person taking all the spoils, only to feel empty from the transaction a few hours later? To do this, we need to change our thinking and allow inner shifts to occur. What if, instead of thinking we must win at all costs, we recognize that what serves the truth and a livable future is more important? Instead of being stuck in fear, we choose to listen without demonizing. And what if we stop fixating on ourselves and begin to realize that caring just a little about someone else can be really beneficial? Simple. Maybe? Inner shifts can happen when we move from blame to responsibility and from reactivity to discernment, when we reject humiliating speech and restore relationships. We have now touched upon spiritual principles: truthfulness, compassion, repair, and, of course, forgiveness. Taking responsibility, acknowledging what harm may have been done, and being accountable are the issues that forgiveness addresses.
Sam brings this down to the nitty-gritty by humanizing reality, the stuff people can relate to. What would your life look like if you could just let go? We have to meet people where they are before we can move them along any kind of process. That is being pragmatic.
To hear Sam Imperati’s story in his own words, check out my latest podcast episode, Secrets of a Court Mediator: Forgiveness and Mediation. Subscribe to Voices of Peace: Personal Forgiveness on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.
