Who Do I Need to Forgive? Everybody.
“I’ve eaten from dumpsters and dined with kings, but neither is all that satisfying.” —Mark Goodman, Forgiving a Good Man
These are the words of Mark Goodman, an ordinary man with an extraordinary story to tell. Mark’s journey begins in Detroit, where he grew up in an abusive home marked by pain and trauma. The abuse came not only from his father but also from his brothers. It was so horrific that, by comparison, living homeless on the streets of Los Angeles seemed like an adventure.
Many of you reading this may have experienced a similar background and can, at least in part, imagine what Mark endured. But there is more to his story and to his spiritual awakening than anyone could have anticipated. A life marked by trauma and unimaginable abuse became a story of freedom through forgiveness.
Abandonment and Abuse
Because of the emotional turmoil he experienced early in life, Mark learned to take care of himself. For him, neglect felt like being “unceremoniously abandoned.” In his book, Forgiving a Good Man, Mark relates how the trauma led to anxiety, depression, and difficulty maintaining healthy relationships.
Sexual abuse was also part of Mark’s life. Like many survivors of sexual assault, he blamed himself. He experienced abuse at home and was later taken advantage while hitchhiking back home from California to Detroit. It was terrifying, but thankfully he survived. One of Mark’s most important realizations was that when you are abused, you are not to blame. By forgiving the abuser, survivors may also begin to forgive themselves for what they mistakenly believe they did or failed to do that caused the abuse.
Abuse does not happen every minute of every day. For Mark, one blessing came when he was able to attend Ben Lippen, a Christian boarding school, during his high school years. The school was strict and highly disciplined, yet Mark loved every minute of it. It gave him a chance to escape an abusive situation, at least for a while, and offered him what everyone in an abusive situation needs: a place to breathe, to feel safe, and to begin imagining another kind of life. At Ben Lippen, Mark experienced hope. He discovered that time spent with positive, supportive people can awaken the possibility of forgiveness.
“I was young and innocent. How could I be responsible?”
Life can throw us punches. It can also give us gifts. Often, when we are paying attention, we recognize the gift at the moment we need it most. This happened to Mark when he moved to Florida and was invited by a business associate to attend Brian Tracy’s seminar, The Psychology of Achievement.
The message was that we are free to choose the quality of our emotional life and that we can be free from pain, shame, and blame. Mark’s negative emotions had kept him stuck. He relates in his book that he began to see he had a choice: to hold on to resentment toward the people and events that caused him pain, or to start letting it go. As Tracy said, “There is a direct relationship between your acceptance of the personal responsibility for your emotional well-being and the elimination of your negative feelings.”
Of course, Mark resisted these words, as most of us might. Doesn’t this man know what happened to me? he wondered. I was young and innocent. How could I be responsible? What Mark had to learn was that, although he was not responsible for the abuse, he was responsible for his future from that point forward. The blame game begins when we put on the cloak of victimhood. If he wanted to be free from pain, he had to accept responsibility for his emotional well-being. That realization set Mark on the path of forgiveness and opened the door to forgiving his father.
Forgiveness, the Ultimate Freedom
Forgiveness, he discovered, is not about excusing the other person or minimizing what they have done. It is about freeing ourselves from the emotional burden we continue to carry. In Mark’s terms, we forgive because we deserve the freedom that forgiveness brings. For him, forgiveness is the ultimate freedom.
We learn so much about ourselves when we begin the journey of forgiveness. It can be difficult, even painful, but if we persist, it can become deeply rewarding. Mark embraced this journey and transformed his life in ways he could not have imagined. His experience was so profound that he dedicated his life to helping others experience the freedom forgiveness can bring.
Today, Mark is the founder of 70×7 Path to Forgiveness, a nonprofit dedicated to spreading the message of freedom through forgiveness. If you met him today, you would see his generosity and bright light. Through this remarkable journey, Mark learned to open his heart, especially through the practice of forgiveness. He shares his deeply personal story in his book, Forgiving a Good Man: An Abuse Survivor’s Story of Freedom Through Forgiveness. You can also hear more of his story on my podcast, Voices of Peace: Personal Forgiveness.
To hear Mark Goodman’s story in his own words, check out my latest podcast episode, “I should be a statistic.” Subscribe to Voices of Peace: Personal Forgiveness on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.
